Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@Jynx a lot of GPs ask how you’re doing out of habit, I’ve found one who really means it. He doesn’t specialise in mental health, he is just human. He is happy to oversee my health. I went to the female one at the same clinic for female issues, didn’t really feel validated. It’s hard to find good GPs. There aren’t as many female GPs to choose from in my area.

I have never had a physio ask about my extensive mental health history. They’ve always been like, do stretches and exercise and you’ll be fine. Personal trainer (since she is a nutritionist too) was the one who told me to eat better to fuel myself while I work out. I’ve had blocks in between gaining strength. Joint hypermobility and ED make it harder to gain muscle mass. I feel like I naturally don’t have a great appetite.

It’s been a resting day today. Have you been up to much?

Goes a long way doesn't it, that authenticity!!

@creative_writer Resting is goooooood! Not much my own self, very slow morning just watched a bit of tv and drank a very large coffee haha. You?

@Jynx it does. I mostly rely on psych and pdoc for mental health support. GP only knows some of my history. But he does check in to see where I am at mentally. My medical file just states bipolar and ED, I have a ton of other diagnoses.

I’ve just had dinner. I didn’t get up to much today, had the long drive to do, I stayed overnight last night. I had a shower when I got back and sort of been in bed a lot today.

Bed days are needed sometimes hey @creative_writer 😊

Is your bedroom a super cosy space for you? I have cultivated a very comfy lil nook - lots of lamps and red lights, fairy lights, and plenty of trinkets about hehe

@Jynx I use bamboo cotton bed sheets, they feel cozy. Even though it was warm today, our house was cool.

I want to get night friendly lamps. My room is pretty plain. I want to get decorative curtains. I probably should sort out my chaotic room. It represents my chaotic mind.

Nook, lamps and lights sound cozy.

@creative_writer you and me both re: the chaos room 😅

Sounds like an opportunity to have some control over your environment - choosing your decor. Love it!!

I hope you have a good week hun, I am off. Hope we survive the hayfever hahaha

Nighty night 💜

@Jynx my room isn’t anywhere near as messy as my mind. But initiating the task of cleaning is hard.

I went for a walk today to clear my head after a Lifeline shift, one interaction had high risk. My mind is already naturally messy, it felt good to get some fresh air.

It would be nice to have more decor.

I hope you have a smooth week 💖.

@creative_writer I call it 'task inertia' 😅

Sounds like a heavy week. How you travelling today hun?

@Jynx totally task inertia 😂

I haven’t had any other heavy calls, but that really hit. Probably my own history of SI and SA. I was able to distance myself and we have to remind ourselves we did the best we could. This help-seeker had a plan, but sort of left early, which would be uncomfortable even for those without complex mental health backgrounds. I notified the supervisor on shift, that’s all we have to do.

It’s been an emotional week. I have bipolar mostly under control, but the suppressed emotions want to come out. I’m also realising not talking about flashbacks is leaving me feeling lonely. I hate talking about it, I’ve thought of something I could say in therapy next session, but it’s super vague because I feel too ashamed and scared of being too open. Starting off as vague is still a start. I also need to tell the dietician about ED being a trauma response, but I won’t elaborate, I barely know her. I haven’t ever told a GP about my trauma history, my current GP picked up subtle cues last appointment. Didn’t ask which was a relief. I don’t think I’m prepared to go down the trauma road with a GP. I can barely talk to my psych and pdoc.

I’ve also had some diet changes recently and don’t feel as much in control anymore. I know if I didn’t get any support for ED it probably would’ve progressed into something more serious, but ugh, I don’t want to let it go. My blood may look okay, but I am on a ton of supplements, and relying on solely on supplements isn’t the healthiest approach. ED has still affected my energy, mood, hair and period.

@creative_writer do you get the chance to debrief or otherwise access some support after a heavy call like that? Sounds like you handled it as best you could - I've been there and know what it's like to sit with that uncertainty.

If she knows her stuff, I imagine she'd already be aware that ED doesn't really spring up out of the blue, it's a trauma response - sometimes just to the trauma of the overwhelming majority of society deeming that if you don't look a certain way you are ugly. It's a rejection from your social group, and is inherently traumatising. I know that there's many other layers - for most people I know who struggle with ED anyway; so it's okay for you to simply say 'I am managing complex trauma in addition to ED, and as such it will take some time before I feel safe enough to be open with you about everything.' Just food for thought, obviously trust yourself in what you think will be helpful to communicate 😊

I think it's normal for us to fluctuate a bit as we are learning how to manage these things hun. It's progress over time that matters most rather than being able to get it right and...somehow stick with it flawlessly?

I think like substance use, gambling, and self-harm, ED behaviours are often our ways of coping with our incredibly complex and often immensely overwhelming feelings. It's okay to take your time with this process (esp as you are still finding the right support team) and then you can start building up those other, more desirable coping skills for yourself - to eventually replace the ones that don't serve you. You got this 😊💜