Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@Jynx I’m not suicidal today, but discomfort persists. It’s been very hard to talk to my supports about, it feels too awkward and embarrassing. I’ve been trying to figure out how I can get support without describing it in detail. I might need to give my psych some idea of what is going on internally and the emotions and thoughts that pop up. I know silence breeds shame, but I’m scared.

Meal prep takes so much effort. I did meal prep today for the next three days. Made some adjustments that were suggested by dietician.

@creative_writer Totally get that embarrassment feeling. Or like I used to keep it bottled up cos I didn't want to 'inconvenience' anyone. Turns out when they did find out, they sometimes get a lil upset because they would have liked to support me and they said it pained them to know I was suffering alone. I hope you're able to figure out the best way to communicate your needs 💜

Yeah plus add in the fact it takes me a long time to cook. IDK why, but like I estimate this risotto is gonna take 3-4 hours.... 😬

@Jynx it’s not just the inconvenience of being emotional but the nature of the flashback is uncomfortable to talk about. Inconveniencing people is still a big part of it. I have time to think about how I want to communicate, next psych appointment is in a week and a half. I’m back to fortnightly sessions.

Cooking, freezing and storing food all take so much time. I need to store my cooked food rn

@creative_writer glad you've got a bit of time to prepare. I find writing notes helpful when it's a difficult disclosure. Sometimes words can feel stuck, or I go non-verbal - so having it already written down then lets me 'breach the topic' and it's easier to talk about once it's already in the open, if that makes sense.

OMG my freezer needs a clean out I reckon... prolly meal prep in there from several years ago 😅

@Jynx might try notes. It is definitely easier writing than talking about sensitive topics. I do ultimately want to not feel guilty and ashamed of talking about what I’ve had to endure. I was edging on going into mania last night. My meds kicked in, it means I need to be super careful. Once small thing could send me on the edge. I was super argumentative and irritable. Also had suicidal ideation the other night. Depression obviously is sticking, but don’t need mania to mix in. Melbourne seasons are so confusing for my circadian rhythms and who thought daylight savings was a good idea?

I think our freezer needs cleaning too. Those annoying food spills. There might be some old stuff somewhere there.

Hi @creative_writer

It's great to hear you think writing notes would be helpful and that you are looking for a way to be able to talk about your experiences 🌿

I can also hear you're worried about mania kicking in since it feels as if it wouldn't take much to send you off the edge. Do you have some supports and strategies in place to help with these worries?

Yes daylight savings can really mess with rhythms hey🌄!

TunedIn🌻

@TunedIn I’m better at writing than talking. Maybe I could even share a poem with my psych.

I’m careful with sleep. It helps to minimise light exposure during the evenings, blue light blocking glasses help. Making sure I take meds on time helps. Self care also helps. I’ve been out which has been helpful in taking my mind off things. There are also helplines.

I hate daylight savings. Not great for mental health

Hey @creative_writer sorry to hear it's been tricky to sit with some heavy moods. Hope you're able to catch some sunshine today!

Love the idea of sharing a poem with your psych! Would it be one you've already written, or would you write one special?

@Jynx I am fortunate that I’m not at the point of mixed episodes, but I need to tread very carefully to prevent that from happening again. It’s my most risky mood episode state. Mania doesn’t come out of the blue, but builds up. I’ve been distracted, I didn’t notice the discomfort as much today, not because it wasn’t there (it is) but I’ve sort of disconnected.

Poetry can feel safer. I’m not sure if I have some level of Alexithymia, I freeze at times. Sometimes describing just works better. Like right now I feel like I’m in this dark hollow lonely pit and can’t climb out. The clouds of shame follow me whenever I go. Not sure how I can explain that in plain language.

I’ve been enjoying the outing today. Have you been up to much today?

@creative_writer Aww hun, I hope it dissipates. It's good you're noticing the signs, do you have some go-to ways of managing the onset?

Honestly I feel you. Words can be like magic - some things are so hard to put words to though, especially when it comes to feelings. And it'd probably help your therapist understand better about what you're going through.

Pottering, dishes, bit of meal prep (still lol... I'm doing bits and bobs in between other tasks), and caught some sunshine. Not a bad Saturday 😋