Mixed feelings-might be getting another diagnosis (ED)

@Jynx I was talking about people remaining unemployed because they think they will win money, the unrealistic kind of situations. Maybe it is about hoping instead of holding onto active thoughts.

Yeah too many people want to win money 😂. A lot of people would rob a bank if they could get away with it, I did a psychology experiment when I was at school. It was about what people would do if they could get away with it, most said robbing. Someone was creative and said getting access to exam papers 😂.

I hope you slept well. The morning have been rather bright lately for my taste and stupid day light saving. I’m feeling better today, it’s going to be a process. Sometimes we build resentment from not being able to express ourselves growing up, even if parents did the best.

@creative_writer Yeah for sure, I like that 'it's about hoping'. I think hope is a more powerful thing than people often realise.

Oh that's hectic haha - reminds me of this actually:

@Jynx hope along with action works, not hope by itself.

In some ways it’s sad what has become of society. Money is the root to many problems. Maybe I have a strong sense of justice.

I feel cranky, had my dinner disturbed so didn’t eat everything. Ate some of my chicken cold. I’m not going to eat the rest now.

@creative_writer I agree, I will add that hope by itself isn't enough, but it is something that keeps us going during times when no actions are currently available.

Haha you and me both hun, it's a blessing and a curse hey.

Ohhh I get that, like something will be off and then my brain just goes 🚫 to the whole thing.

@Jynx hope isn’t always enough, except in extreme circumstances. Can’t exactly go knock on doors and tell people to stop committing war crimes. Some of the arguments people use make no sense. ND strong sense of justice firing.

May sound weird, I eat my meals at particular times, disturb that and an avalanche leashes itself. It was too late to finish dinner when I came back, so I just skipped to desert. Maybe ASD brain. Many NDs are picky eater and picky with routine

TBH @creative_writer the thing that has been floating in my brain for a lot of this conversation has been a story I read about Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who was imprisoned at Auschwitz. I just nabbed this summary from google, TW:

So I think my main thought is like, no hope isn't going to change the world just by 'hoping for a better world'. But it is still a powerful force that can be the difference between surviving something, or succumbing to despair.

I've just realised that probably all falls under the banner of 'extreme circumstances' 🤣 But still, that it can be so powerful is to me, worthy as a concept to build into recovery.

That's such a big ND mood haha

@Jynx hope, meaning and connections are very powerful, especially at the face of adversity. In the right circumstances, many people experience post traumatic growth. I want to get to the point someday, but I don’t know how.

I think many of us NDs have a strong sense of justice. Can present in good ways and not so good ways.

Sometimes it's about learning about ourselves through delving into the past. Sometimes it's about exploring new opportunities or relationships. But I think, for me anyway @creative_writer mostly it's about the little things we do differently every day. Small steps, skills practice, gentle challenges to familiar patterns that are undesirable, and practising being forgiving and non-judgemental whenever it gets overwhelming or we don't progress as quickly as we want or we feel like we've regressed (hot tip - we haven't, some learning just needs repetition and that's normal, I see it as skills-revision instead now 😂).

I think it is good to retain hope and faith in your ability to get to the point of post-traumatic growth one day - however if we continuously see it as something that will eventually happen in some distant future, it can create a sense of complacency in the now. It certainly did for me, and this was an interesting lesson to learn - luckily I had a friend who gave me a wee kick up the bum about it 😅

Aye, definitely easy to be overwhelmed by. I think it's something to also account for in our journeys - everything is prolly gonna be slower cos we are also processing the distress of knowing so much and how difficult it can be to make real systemic change. The pull of the doom scroll can be so much stronger for our brains with how we process dopamine too (please fact check me on that one if you like cos I'm not sure where I heard it) so it's like you wanna stay informed but not get so overwhelmed you can't function, you know? I feel you, it's so hard.

@Jynx I feel like my relationships are weird. Maybe I feel disconnected from people so it is hard to connect with others, or maybe I can connect with very few people. I'm not really afraid of being alone, being alone feels comfortable, I've had lots of friendships I let go of because they felt unfulfilling and one sided, didn't really feel super connected to them anyways. I only really have one friend who I talk to about my mental health, and even then not everything. I have another friend who I just talk to about general stuff, we connect on other things. I also have my friends on the forums. Otherwise, I've found a lot of friendships never really sticking. Not sure what it is, is it because I'm ND, an introvert, or if I am avoidant of relationships. Yes, I would like meaningful relationships, but it is hard to find those people. I get annoyed when someone says why don't you talk to x person anymore. When a relationship doesn't feel like it is holding any value, I don't have the energy to drag it. I'm not desperate and being alone isn't really the worst thing, it is way worse to be around people and feel lonely and disconnected. I know having very few people in my life may seem odd, but is there any point having another friendship when it adds no value, and it's me always initiating? I prefer balanced friendships, and don't really agree with socialising for the sake of socialising. Now I am super confused, I also feel safer alone, but crave valuable relationships. I struggle to be fully open with my supports, there are places i am not willing to go.

I know everyone's journey is different, it does feel like it is taking me longer, I do aim for post-traumautic growth, but it's going to take lots of learning and changes

I think I’m just having another rough night with cptsd @Jynx. Trying to figure out what I should be doing to make it easier