AuDHD Life: Anyone else?

@CloudedLight @Shaz51 I love the mental image of a whole household of people making funny noises and fidgeting about 😊 Takes time to unmask though hey!!

Hi @CloudedLight

Nice to meet you. I’m a bit late to the party but I’ve been working. Days off now..yay!!

Sneaking some memes in hehehe

@Captain24 @0ddsidian @Shaz51 @CloudedLight @NightFury @creative_writer and anyone else about!

Hey @Captain24! It was a good break. Took me a few days to chill out, but I got there in the end. It was SO nice to spend so much time by the beach.

One way that I found to help me with "fiddling" and fidgeting is having my nails done. It's a bit $$$ but it means I get the clicky sounds of my nails and it can help me stim a bit. They're a bit of a pain when I'm trying to do some things though haha

Sounds like you're potentially going through a bit of a mixed episode with your bipolar, which I know must be really overwhelming. I also know that you've made it through them before too, so I'm sure the noise in your noggin won't be there forever ♥️

Prioritisation can be so hard. I often get caught up on just THINKING ABOUT prioritising because I'm trying to make sure I get the order "right", but that actually ends up taking me even longer that it would if I just started 🙃

It was Pansexual Pride Day yesterday (8th of December). Sounds like the queerness stuff is still pretty new for you. Most days I'm quite settled in my queer identity but I still sometimes feel like an imposter or that I don't feel quite right. But that's because identity can evolve and change, and I've definitely got my own traumas relating to identity.

Hi @CloudedLight! Lovely to have you!

New AuDHD meme!!! Very relatable to my personal experience, but I know not everyone will relate to this one.

Welcome back @0ddsidian

Im hoping that you feel all refreshed and ready to go again. It does take a little bit of time to relax and realise that it’s ok to chill and that life has been left behind. I sooo love the beach. It’s so peaceful and calming. That’s my kind of mindfulness.

I have never had my nails done. I don’t think they wouldnt suit me anyway. I’m not a girly girl. I’ve even only just started to wear pink tops! I do love the sound of nails though. I totally get that they would be a good stim. Just that clicking.

Yep I’m pretty sure it is a mixed. I don’t usually get them and my hypomania has been under control for a couple of years with just random days coming through. I finished work this morning at 7 and was euphoric. But luckily I could pull myself together to drive home. I turned of the work road and stray to accelerate at quite a oce and the a stupid kangaroo jumped out in front of me. Luckily I was together enough to brake hard so it didn’t do any damage, well that I can see anyway. I was tired so that’s why I went so far with the mood. People noticed that I was high but just thought I’d had a good shift.

The depression side of it is kicking my arse though. Sometimes it’s really bad and other times I can feel it back in. It’s taking a lot of work and brain power. But now I know that it is related to surgery so I’m hoping I don’t have to live like this for a couple of months. I hoping it settles. It’s very tiring, mentally and not sleeping well.

Oh.. o totally get that about prioritising! If I had have just started at the top of the list I would have things done rather than listing them and then changing several times what is a higher priority!

Oh.. that’s cool. I didn’t know that there was a ‘day’ for it. It’s is kinda new. I’ve been questioning for quite a while but never really been so open about it. I have shared more on here than anywhere else ever. I’m not even comfortable talking to my psych about it and I can tell here pretty much anything. But both of you make me feel so much more comfortable and give me the ability to understand and attempt to accept.

Im actually glad that you feel like that sometimes it’s actually helps me. Because it’s all about me! 😜 I am sorry that identity can be hard for you due to the past.

I actually do get it, I wasn’t gifted but I was always in the top half of the advanced classes, except for English! 😝

Thanks @Captain24!

I'm exactly the same with the beach. There's something very healing about being at the beach and in the water in particular.

I absolutely wouldn't describe myself as a "girly girl", but I do like having my nails done. I've taken photos of pretty much all the nails I've gotten done in the last year or so, so remind me to send you some photos of a few. They're just my natural nails (not extensions), but they've gotten long because I just keep getting them done.

Sounds like overall there's been improvements with your bipolar, but I know that doesn't mean it's not still difficult. I remember when I was first learning about hypomania / mania and how irritation is a way that being "high" can show up too. I used to think it was just being happy and euphoric. I don't have bipolar, so that's just from a professional / work perspective.

It's impressive that you have the awareness that you do though. Like, the fact that you know / are remembering that having surgery is probably influencing how you're feeling as a small but really good example of being compassionate with yourself.

Prioritising isn't a huge strength of mine, but I do try to think about what would happen if I didn't get a certain task done, and whether this would be detrimental / impact other tasks. E.g. Say my task is to clean and tidy my home office. I might want to vacuum, but I can't vacuum unless I pick up the stuff on the floor first. And I might not be able to do that until the rubbish bin is empty. So my order would be 1) bins, 2) pick up items / rubbish, 3) vacuum. If there's a time deadline, that also helps me figure out what to do next / first.

There's a day for almost everything haha I do think it's fine for you not to talk about it with people in your face-to-face world, at least until you feel ready, which can take a while. Just sitting with the idea of a new part of our identities can be a lot, but just sit with it 😊I

think you'll find that the vast majority of people have challenges with their identities at various points in their lives. Some are massive challenges, but pretty much everyone has them ♥️

Beautiful photos! @0ddsidian. I love the sunset and sunrises over the water. They are a whole new level. I love watching rough seas crash against the rocks too. It’s actually something that mum and I connect on.

I was thinking fake nails. I’ve never even thought about getting them done. Just like I don’t get facials or anything beauty related either. Please do send some photos, I’d love to see. I had pictured really girly nails but now I don’t actually know what to expect. You didn’t strike me as a really girly girl but then I wasn’t sure.

There has been improvement and sometimes I can see the changes as they are happening but sometimes I miss all the signs and just end up in a bad depressive episode. It is such hard work monitoring all the time, questioning if a good mood is just a good mood. Is a bad day just a bad day or heading towards an episode. The annoying thing is when people ask what triggered the depression and then say there has to be a reason. I don’t need a trigger or a reason.

The more a that I had inserted has hormones in it and can cause mood changes. The big BUT is that it exacerbates bipolar symptoms! I was emotional for a couple of days, I don’t get emotional. I put a load of washing in the machine on night before nightshift so it was ready to hang out in the morning when I got home. In the morning it was raining and I nearly cried because I couldn’t hang my washing out. How ridiculous!

I am trying really hard to be understanding of myself. It’s really not easy though. There is a lot of self-talk involved. It helps on the odd occasion but I keep trying. I don’t want to end up back where I was. I have worked too hard to fall all the way back.

Im glad you do actually understand bipolar, not a lot of people do. As I was reading and you ‘got it’ I thought that you had it but then I read the study part. I had a psych that I mentioned my symptoms to she just shrugged and didn’t seem to understand. I just assumed that psych’s didn’t know. I felt stranded as I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. When I got my current psych I said something one day and apologised. But she knew what I was talking about and understood. I was shocked and I told her so. She couldn’t believe it about my old one but then said that nothing surprised her about her. I knew my psych in hospital before she became my psych.

I get that with the office. I actually do that. I cleaned the kitchen before work last night but I had to unpack the dishwasher, re pack it, put away the stuff scattered everywhere and remove the rubbish. Only then could I clean. I do this with everything because I can’t keep things simple! It’s actually really starting to wear me out. I think I’m becoming burnt out. This stupid AuDHD is doing my head in. I’m trying to deal with that as well. I’m having lots of ‘moments’

I need to be comfortable with it myself before I tell anyone. It’s just another part of me that I’m struggling with. As for identity, I actually don’t know who I am. I don’t really know me. So it feels like I don't have an identity. But that’s the way I have always been.

Sorry.. that was really long. If it doesn’t make any sense please remember that I have just gotten home from nightshift!!

Just saw this and I think I’m the hyper-focusing one! @0ddsidian @Jynx

I like both quiet water and crashing waves, @Captain24. I'll only properly swim in one type though. I like that you and your Mum can connect on that. It's such a simple thing but it's still a thread of connection. (Also, good on you for recognising that connection!)

I can't do super long nails. I would feel pretty useless with my hands haha I do SOME beauty things (not facials). I occasionally wear make up and I occasionally get my eyelashes tinted. Some photos below from the last 18 months. Definitely not all of them haha

That last one is my nails at the moment.

I'm proud of you that you can recognise that there have been some improvements. I imagine that it's exhausting having to explain yourself, your moods and bipolar (and all of your neurodivergence probably). And also that you feel like you have to constantly question your moods.

Hormone changes for AFAB people can be really intense and we definitely shouldn't underestimate how profoundly they impact our mental health. I honestly would have cried too about the washing, so I don't find it ridiculous at all. The sky was crying, so why can't you cry too? 😜

I really do see that you're trying to understand yourself more, and I think you're doing a wonderful job. You've demonstrated a lot of great insights and talked about some of the ways you've already grown. Like we often say; recovery isn't linear. You'll probably still have bad days and moments, but let's try to take an average and remember to acknowledge how far you've come.

I've worked with a few people with bipolar. I was working in the mental health part of a hospital for a while, so there were quite a lot of clients with bipolar. It's not the diagnosis I have the most experience with but if I don't know something I generally try to learn more about it.

I totally get you about feeling like you're heading towards neurodivergent burnout. I know you've seen the Forums thread that was on this topic recently; Neurodivergence and Burn Out. It helps me to try and think of what is 100% necessary to do, and then have these as the topic priorities. Like, cleaning my office isn't an absolute priority. I'll be okay if I don't get to it for a while. I will also be okay if I don't shower today, for example. It might not be "optimal" but I'll be alright. I won't be in a great place if I don't eat food though, or sleep. Start with basic human needs 😊

Being queer can be a strength. You can connect with other queer people (because humans often connect on a shared part of our identities), we're usually more open and less judgmental. We often have a strong sense of social justice and compassion.

There's an activity that is sometimes done in the group that SANE does on identity (yes, there's a group specifically called IDENTITY) where participants share and reflect on different parts of their identities. It's very difficult to give a short, simple answer to "Who am I?" because 1) our identities are made up of so many parts (see image below), and 2) our identities are constantly changing. My identity as an infant is obviously very different to what it is now. Some things are the same / similar, but most things have changed, and that's totally normal.

Literally everything you said made sense, Cap ♥️

very nice nails @0ddsidian 😊