AuDHD Life: Anyone else?

I just haven’t found my people that get it. I feel like you do, Jynx and tyme. All on different levels and different aspects. Maybe if I managed to put myself out there more you’d never know what could happen! @0ddsidian

No worries about the hype! I’m glad you are staying though. You will be wonderful wherever you go next.

It was massive to go. Not many really interact with me at work so I wasn’t sure I should go but it was well worth it.

It’s funny, a see it as being strong and weak if I do cry. It’s something that needs work. 5 years gives me a little bit of hope. Slowly changing the way I feel about it. I’m glad you are able to release a little now. I hold most emotions in. It’s like I’m kinda numb to a lot of it. That’s interesting about the freeze state and connecting more as they’re coming out of it.

I use to get up late but lately I’ve been getting up early, I slept in the other day and got up at 8! That use to be a normal time to get up. I have set an alarm for the morning though so I can get all the fresh veggies for Christmas.

I do mostly see some hope, not a lot but a little. I am working really hard. But there is still many times that hope just isn’t there.

I have a lot of self awareness. Kind of need it with bipolar and I’m constantly challenged by my psych to know what I’m feeling and what is going on. I’m one of those that listen and take it all on board and work with her not just have her try to do all the work. I like to meet her half way.

I do my best to look out for myself in situations that I’m unsure about. I need to otherwise things may go pear shaped. I do feel that I can be resilient. I kinda have to be to work through everything and keep facing a new day. New challenges.

I did something nice for my parents yesterday. I mowed their lawn for them. It was too hot for dad to get out there as it was 36 by 9. So I did it. It felt good being out in the sun, in that beautiful heat and having it look good. I did my own today and on Saturday I weeded my badly overgrown garden so I have seen heaps of sun and heaps of heat. It was 38 when I did my garden. I love the heat! I did a heap of things around the house today too. I did break though, it got to the point where I could barely walk, I was exhausted and shattered. So I had a bath and actually found it relaxing. I just did it to help my body but quite liked laying there. I don’t really have anything for tomorrow other than my psych appointment and some shopping. Hopefully I will allow myself a rest day. I might have another bath.

It’s always nice to be acknowledged. To know that you did something helpful and I usually will.

Oh.. those nails sound very pretty! I still have to buy something to stick under the tree for mum and dad. Thats tomorrow’s task. They have presents but just something little from the dogs. How are you coping with a full house? All the noise and busyness? That sounds overwhelming to me. Do you have a really good relationship with your parents though?

I reckon there are more people out there that you'd vibe with, @Captain24. The existence of people on the Forums that you connect with shows that it's possible!

It's good that you pushed yourself a little bit outside your comfort zone by going as well. It's a fine line between pushing past what is safe for us and pushing ourselves into a place where we can grow and heal (even if it's uncomfortable).

The mindset shift around crying has definitely taken a long time. I was also aware that certain medications make it easier or harder to cry, so I spoke to my treating team a lot about it over those years. I felt like a bit of a zombie for about a decade and couldn't really feel much, and once I let some things in I was worried it would overwhelm me. It did a little bit initially, but I got used to crying and expressing myself in that way a bit more. It's still something I find challenging. I've viewed my "freeze" state as avoiding things that make me feel unsafe. Because I didn't feel much safety or security I found it hard to express myself in outward ways like crying. It wasn't until I found more safety that crying felt okay. Safety is a broad term though. For me, I was generally physically safe, but didn't feel I had an emotionally safe accepting environment and people around me.

I reckon it also depends on how we define hope. Hope isn't this big shiny thing for me. For me hope is little glimmers of possibility. I might be in a super overwhelmed or dark headspace, but if I see a nice comment on the Forums or I'm able to even just make my bed it acts as a little reminder that there's the possibility that things won't be as bad as my brain tells me it's going to be.

The way you work with your psych sounds very much like "You get out what you put into it".

It was wonderful to read this little paragraph. It shows hope and realistic optimism!
"I do my best to look out for myself in situations that I’m unsure about. I need to otherwise things may go pear shaped. I do feel that I can be resilient. I kinda have to be to work through everything and keep facing a new day. New challenges."

It kinda sounds like you're pushing your body to stay busy so that your brain doesn't seem so loud or "go, go, go". I imagine that relates to your mania, and probably the ADHD. I've used that approach before, but it's important that we also don't push so far that we hurt ourselves. I'm glad that you had a bath and did some self-care too.

You get presents for your parents FROM your dogs? That's so CUTE! I'm mostly coping. My parents are both learning how to exist in my space and give me space too. It's not horrible right now. I get along with my parents pretty well. We definitely still have moments where we clash. It's taken a lot of effort and communication on my part to express my needs to them, and kind of educate them on how my brain operates. I think this year I'm even more fortunate because I can go stay at my partner's house if things get too overwhelming with my parents.

What do you plan on cooking for Christmas? What does a standard Christmas meal look like for you?

I pushed myself to go and it wasn’t easy but I gave myself an out, that I could leave at anytime and just go out the back door! @0ddsidian. Plans!!! I actually ran into a guy from work this morning at the supermarket and he asked how I felt the next day and didn’t even know I had left before the pub crawl! So that was good, I don’t drink so I was obviously fine but that wasn’t noticed either. It felt good to be recognised for going but also good in the fact that they didn’t notice that I left.

I have to work on feelings to try and connect to myself. I told her today that I don’t have any feelings I'm just numb. Apparently that’s a feeling. I have to sit with myself and time myself as to how long and can sit and listen to my body and my feelings. I lasted 23 seconds in the session. Maybe if I can connect more I might feel more available to cry. I don’t know. I did shed a tear or two in our session though and that doesn’t happen very often.

I think I get you with the letting things in. I think that maybe what my psych is trying to get me to do. I am scared to see where this takes me. It’s good that you managed to do it and felt safer crying. At least you know you can let go and it will be ok. Even if it’s still hard sometimes.

I get the term safety. It means so many different things. Your ‘freeze’ state is interesting. I like your self awareness around it. Plus your awareness of not feeling emotionally safe enough to cry. I’m so glad you have been working through all of this and understand yourself so well.

I see hope as big things but maybe I do need to look into the little things a bit more. Find those ‘glimmers’ See it in a different light. Might make me look at things differently.

If I ever want to get well I have to do the work. Sometimes I try to hard and I fall a long way back but I guess it’s all about the learning.

It was a very self-reflective paragraph! 😜

I have finally pushed myself into burn out. I have nothing to give, can’t do anything, no focus. I actually spent most of the afternoon in bed. I have t done that in a long time. I only got up because I had to put the sprinklers on and even that is a massive challenge. I really am done, I’m really spent. My psych said self-care today and I just said I don’t deserve it. She has changed the wording to ‘maintenance’ (You have to check out the wind-down Wednesday post tomorrow!)

I certainly do and mum gets them a present to give to me! Oh and I still get a Santa stocking at 48! We do do some silly stuff also the dogs get presents. No wonder I have so many dog toys!

I’m glad that they are working with you not against you. Trying to understand and work together. Knowing and allowing space for all of you. I guess we will always clash with our parents at times, it’s just life. I love how you have planned an escape if needed!!

I’m cooking roast beef, roast chicken, all the baked veggies and stuffed tomatoes. Then we will have pudding for dessert. One major stuff up I did this year was forget to make the Christmas cake. When I remembered it was too late. That’s a bit sad, it’s the first time in my own home that I haven’t actually made it.

Christmas night is salad, pasta salad, garlic bread, and the cold meats left over from lunch plus ham. Also on the table at lunch and dinner there is a variety of lollies and chocolates. Like I think I have bought around $200 worth. There is not going hungry at my place! I forgot to get bon bons for Christmas lunch and I was talking to a lady at the checkout next to me and I said that I had forgotten them. She handed me 3 that she didn’t need. As I only needed three. How Christmas spirited is that!

What does Christmas look like for you?

Also…. Just incase I miss you tomorrow. I want to say that while I am sad and devastated that you are leaving (OMG tears in my eyes) oh and you’re abandoning me! 😜 I want to wish you all the best and hope for continued growth and achievements for you. You only deserve the best and I hope the new people you work with know how lucky they are to have you in their midst.

Thank you for absolutely everything!

I do hope I catch you though.. but just incase.

I love the covert plan to get out of there, @Captain24. Having a plan and giving yourself permission to do something is a great strategy, particularly for Autistic people.

I've never thought of numb as being a feeling, but I guess it is. There's this thing called "interoception" which is one of our senses that helps us recognise and understand signals within our bodies. It includes things like hunger, thirst, fatigue, nausea, our emotions, a racing heart and pain (among many other things). It's very common for Autistic people, and other neurotypes, to have differences in their interoception. Some people are more sensitive (meaning they are hyperaware of body signals. Some people are less sensitive (meaning they find it hard to register or connect with the signals). Most people experience a mix of both. For example, I find it difficult to connect to my emotions or recognise thirst, but I'm hyperaware of pain, nausea and a racing heart. I'm glad you got to shed a couple tears in your session. Maybe that's your body testing the waters with crying.

As I always say; this stuff takes time. It's taken well over a decade of mental health challenges and various diagnoses to get to the level of awareness I have. It's taken about five years of intentional work on re-connecting myself to my emotions and my body, and I'm still working on it every day. If I look back at myself 5 years ago I can see how much I've grown and healed today.

Reframing hope was helpful when it came to the expectations I place on myself and recovery. We know we can default to black and white thinking, so trying to look at hope as glimmers instead of just the big things challenged that. The big things are usually made up of smaller things anyway.

I like how your psych reframed self-care into something that sits better in your brain. I LOVED your wind-down Wednesday post! The topic of the post was great, and it's just so cool to see you making a recovery-oriented post like that for everyone to contribute to ♥️

You and your Mum are adorable. My parents' labrador (Belle) gets presents. She had an advent calendar this year.

You really go all out with your Christmas feast! Sounds delicious. My family have a lot of similar foods to yours. We also have prawns and pavlova. My Mum has so much ham that I think I'll start looking like a ham at some point haha The lady at the checkout was so sweet! I hope she gets some good Christmas karma come back to her.

Christmas for me is:
- Christmas morning at my house with my parents. We'll eat croissants and do presents.
- Christmas lunch is at my Mum's Dad's house (my Grandad). We do similar foods to you.
- Christmas dinner is with my Dad's side of the family, and the foods are pretty similar to lunch, although probably a bit more salad and variety, as this side of the family is pretty big.
- This year my partner is spending Christmas with us for the first time, so I'm glad I'll have them to escape with if I need.
- My Mum has been baking for the last couple of days too, so my house smells like cookies.

That's incredibly sweet, Cap! Love the abandonment humour haha Gotta laugh about it.
I've genuinely enjoyed working with you, chatting with you and getting to know you. I am holding so much hope for you. Keep showing up for yourself like you're doing now ♥️

Interoception is interesting. @0ddsidian. I don’t usually feel hunger or thirst until it’s past the comfortable level. I don’t feel emotions and senses in my body (working in that one!) but I don’t feel a lot of pain. That’s why after my surgery it was a shock as I had severe pain and continued to do so. An example.. I tore most of the tendons in my ankle and just thought it was sprained. My physio hard a lot of work to do but was surprised with my low level of pain with such a severe injury.

Maybe it’s a test.. maybe it’ll start to come more naturally if I can allow myself too and not feel shame afterwards. That’s the hard one with crying.

It’s comforting to know that it has taken a lot of time and work. I am trying to work with what I’ve got, understand my diagnosis’ and work in a way that helps move forward. Diagnosing everything but I find it a guide as to what to look for and what may work with each and collectively. OMG listen to me!! 😂

I do believe that if I’m around in 5 years that I will have seen a huge shift in my life and recovery. I just have to make it there and not give in in the meantime.

Never thought of hope as a big thing made up of small things. I now see that that is where glimmers come in. Maybe with glimmers I’ll finally fine the grey area we have talked about.

My psych is awesome and works with me.

I am a little proud of myself with how I worded it. I did email it to rav3n yesterday to make sure it was ok. I have come a long way in such a short time.

I’ve just finished wrapping their presents, there is even little treats in everyone! I love the idea of an advent calendar though!

Oh.. my Nee Doh one was pretty cool!

My parents don’t do prawns but they got some for me today to have for dinner tonight. Not a fan of Pav.. I don’t like the texture and I just can’t eat it. I got a ham but I’ll get dad to cut some off for me and he can take it with him. I need the fridge space!!! What I find funny is that you can actually buy ham all year round but we only do it once a year.

Sounds like a really full on day. I like the escaping outside for a breather and the fact that you can go to your partners place for a reprieve and they probably will need one as well. It must be nice to have them coming.

Thank you so much for everything. I’m not even sure you’ll get this but I wanted to write it anyway

You have opened my eyes so much and put me in a different path. I have really enjoyed our time together.