AuDHD Life: Anyone else?

Those nails are awesome. @0ddsidian. I like seeing peoples nails done they always look good and then I look at my nails which are all different lengths and a mess!

I don’t even have any makeup in date anymore. I can’t remember the last time I put any on. It would probably make me look better but I just don’t like the feel of it. But I’m at the point that I know I’m ugly and not much will change that.

I had a psych appointment yesterday and it didn’t really go well. We have come to the conclusion that I’m manic and hence my constant to-do list and a must that they get done. The internal energy and wiredness. The lack of sleep. In the last 48 hours I’ve had a total of 5 and a half hours sleep and still functioning. My body’s exhausted but my mind isn’t and keeps making me go. I told her about my dark thoughts of a night, I reassured her that I’m safe. But the concern is that if they get stronger, with the mania I have the energy and motivation to act on them. She wants me in hospital but it’s just not viable, I have a job, a mortgage and the dogs. I can’t just drop everything.

Everything is all tied in together. They all play a part in each other. I can see AuDHD in all of this mania too. My psych described it all as a massive knot and we have to work on one string at a time not diagnosis. At the moment it’s about try to get some sleep. Also in my massive to-do lists, after every couple of tasks I have to stop and pat and cuddle the dogs for 5 minutes and be in the moment and feel the love and connection. She is hoping that it may become more frequent and for longer helping me to slow down a little. She gets that I have to write the lists and I have to keep going until they are done. She didn’t tell me to stop or to take time out. She would like me to add some self care in there but when I said that my mind doesn’t see it as productive she understood it.

I have a friend coming tomorrow to stay the weekend and I set myself a massive to-do list that was just impossible to do. But yet I’m getting there and in a few hours, possibly by 8, I will have completed it. I’m talking even cleaning the kitchen cupboards so it’s perfect. This is the intense pressure I am putting on myself.

I am worried about the fall out after the mania dissipates. The depressive episode that usually follows and the burn-out. It’s going to end in disaster. But at the same time I’m hoping that I have enough in me to work through it. I’m trying not to anticipate what usually follows.

Thanks for acknowledging that I’m am trying to understand myself better. I am working on it. We did the DAS (I think that’s what it’s called) and with everything that is currently going on I actually have improved slightly since June so that was good.

Hormones are getting to me, I also have to deal with perimenopause in amongst all the other shit. It feels like I can’t catch a break, that everything is against me.

Im having trouble with the not necessary, everything in my mind is a necessity. But I’m neglecting the important things like the shower and food. My priorities are the wrong way around and that’s not helping with it all.

I never thought about that with queer people. I am totally non-judgemental of people’s sexuality and I guess you could say identity. I’m also a very compassionate person at times.

That group sounds very insightful, I think it’s actually something that is needed. I would never have thought of that. But for me, it would finally shape parts of me to work out who I am. I like that picture too. It was helpful, gave me some guidance into what to look for within me.

Mine nails used to be all different lengths too, @Captain24, and were pretty messy because I worked outside for a while. Now they're only kept this way by a professional haha

I also don't love the feeling of makeup. I rub my hands on my face too much as well. It can be a sensory nightmare. I own it and occasionally wear it for events, but I can go many months without wearing it.

Have you ever thought about how seriously impressive it is that you KNOW you're manic / hypomanic? Not everyone with bipolar can do that. To me, it shows a level of insight that is really important. I know it's horrible to have a mixed episode and that coming down from the mania can be really hard. I am proud that you are still moving through this. You said "It’s going to end in disaster. But at the same time I’m hoping that I have enough in me to work through it." That last sentence shows me that you do have at least a glimmer of hope that things won't be as bad as you might expect them to be. I reckon that probably shows that you've come a long way in your recovery already, because you probably wouldn't have said something like that a year or two ago.

I love how your psych described it as a big knot, and the approach of one string at a time. That makes so much sense and is definitely something I align with.

Did you spend time with your friend over the weekend? If so, what did you do?

Have you heard of Maslows Hierarchy of Needs? (image below). It's a theory that helps us explain what "needs" should be met first before moving on to others. It's not black and white but essentially the things (needs) lower down on the pyramid should be met first, before moving up to the next section. So our physiological needs (food, water, sleep, breathing, shelter) should be our first priorities. When we mostly have these met, it can make the next sections easier to address.

OMG you listed some positives about yourself Cap! Non-judgemental. Compassionate. Go you! We can turn out struggles into strengths. I know there have been times in life when I have felt judged by others, which has caused a lot of shame for me. But now I stand up and reject that judgement and am super open and accepting of people.

Just a fun little share; my Dad recently bought a 3D printer (because what else do you do in retirement) and he's printed me a bunch of Christmas earrings 😂

Lucky for the professionals! I snap mine all the time. I’ve snapped one so low that it really hurts! I can’t use that finger, turns out that it’s one I use all the time!

It does show the growth with being able to decipher moods. I’ve learnt a lot about self awareness. (I know.. I just said good stuff) 😜. I can’t always pick what’s happening but I am learning.

I feel like I have crashed big time and I’m struggling with it. I had a bit of a crisis moment last night that came on suddenly. It was pretty rough but I cuddled my dogs. I’m sensitive and emotional. I am hoping that I have enough self awareness to make it through as best as possible. Right now it seems to be failing me but I can only try.

I do feel that in recent times I have been stronger. Have the ability to recognise what’s going on, what I’m feeling and what my body is saying. Yes.. here comes another insight..maybe these recent times have made me strong enough to work through it.

Only recently have I been able to do this. I have done a lot of work on myself with my psych. There is no way I could get through this even last year. I do try really hard to better myself and try not to stay stagnant. I don’t want to stay stuck in the same place forever. I can’t live like that and I won’t live like that.

She did come. She came Friday night and went home Sunday. We went to the next town over and went to the museum. It is awesome. It actually has an old bakery there. As in.. the museum brought the building. The old fired ovens in the wall are there. They also have little cottages out the back of the museum that I’m sure were always there. It would be impossible to have moved them to the site with the way the floors are and stuff. I wanted to take her to a waterhole but she slept in and we didn’t have time. I’m feel really bad that we didn’t do it and that we didn’t do the markets or Christmas light looking. I feel I let her down immensely. I feel guilty.

I did struggle being around someone 24/7 for so long. I don’t do peopling. It was overwhelming and I’m not sure if that has affected my mood. I found it really draining and exhausting. I need some downtime to myself but couldn’t.

That’s really good and shows me where to start. Kinda like a guide as to what I need first. Get those right and move on. Thank you for sharing.

You do manage to get some positives out of me. You make me look more into myself. Find things that I didn’t know were there.

Im judged a lot with my family, especially my brother and at work. It hurts and makes me feel even less about myself. Like you said you are super open and accepting. I feel like that comes from the hurt and I don’t want anyone to feel like I do.

Those earrings are so cool. It amazes me what a 3D printer can do. I’d love to see one in action.

Any Christmas plans?

I saw someone online say that "Nails are jewels, not tools", so I try to remember that, but I do very often forget. Happy to say I haven't snapped one in forever, @Captain24.

I think it's so important for us to acknowledge those areas of growth / improvement. If we don't then we don't see that change and healing is actually possible. It's so cool to see you say:

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I do feel that in recent times I have been stronger. Have the ability to recognise what’s going on, what I’m feeling and what my body is saying. Yes.. here comes another insight..maybe these recent times have made me strong enough to work through it.

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I'm sorry that you had a rough night the other night. I did see it. I was proud that you identified that you needed to go to sleep and cuddle the fur babies. It was also great that you let us know you were safe. ALSO, I was actually really impressed that you weren't too hard on yourself after one of your post had a trigger warning added. No stress about us doing that, but just wanted to highlight that, because I know that can sometimes trigger the rejection stuff for you. Nice!

That museum sounds epic! I love cool buildings. I get feeling a bit disappointed by not getting to show your friend the waterhole. There have been times that I've had these cool ideas / plans in my head about how I want something to go or what I want to do with someone, and when they don't go how I wanted them to then I get this "drop" and the disappointment. I also LOVE a sleep-in though... 🙃 Did your friend know that you wanted to take her to the waterhole and the markets? It sounds like it just related to her wanting to sleep, rather than anything you did. I absolutely understand being around someone 24/7, especially when you're used to your own space. I felt that way when I went on my holiday recently, as I stayed with a friend for a couple of days. I love my friend and she's wonderful, but I know I need my space. Even though my friend is also an amazing neurodivergent person, I still needed to be "aware" of her, and I definitely masked a bit, which is exhausting.

Keep in mind that different diagrams of Maslows Hierarchy will be slightly different. It also doesn't mean that you can't kind of work on some of the areas further up the pyramid while also working on the stuff at the bottom. I just means that we should prioritise the physiological needs first because it's the foundation for us to meet the other needs.

I'm just mirroring back to you what is already there, Cap.

Christmas Day is usually pretty busy for me. My parents come down to Victoria to visit me, and they stay at my house too. We'll do Christmas morning at my house, followed by lunch at my Grandad's (my Mum's dad), and then Christmas dinner with my Dad's side of the family. It's a lot of socialising and I usually need a few days afterward to just chill and do not a lot. Do you have any plans?

I did want to let you know that I will be leaving SANE at the end of this year. My last day will be next Wednesday (Christmas Eve). Didn't want to just disappear on you and I know that people leaving can be upsetting for some. I know that it's brought up some abandonment feelings for me in the past ♥️

Oh no @0ddsidian.… you can’t leave! I’m devastated! You have helped me so much. I have gained insight that I didn’t know I had. You have helped me with the forums. You have done a lot for me. I hope you realise that. Yes.. I do feel abandoned but I know that’s not what you are doing. You are doing what is best for you. Wherever you are going are really lucky to have you. You are a really supportive and encouraging person.

I love that you lurk about… don’t lurk at the moment though!

It was a hard night but I looked after myself.

Im not sure if you have seen all the health stuff but my surgery showed up abnormal cells. They got them all but I have to have surgery again in May and see if they have regrown or turned cancerous. Then I have to have a hysterectomy. I’m still trying to get my head around it all. Plus I’ve been put in hormone tablets, I start them tomorrow, the side effects include extreme depression.

I was too distressed to even think about being rejected. It just fell under the whole failing at life thing.

I broke this morning. I actually cried, as in sobbing. I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I just fell apart. I haven’t had any sleep after nightshift so I’m really struggling with that too and about to push myself out of my comfort zone and go to the work Christmas party even though work last night was really bad.

Honestly right now I’m just a mess.

I use my nails for everything! I snap them a lot on the doors of the trucks at work. They are really heavy and some you have to use your whole body!

She did know that I wanted to go but she didn’t really care. She was just in a go slow. I know it wasn’t my fault but that doesn’t change the way I feel, my mind blames me.

Oh.. I get spending time at a friends house! I couldn’t do it. I don’t go to peoples places as it’s not my space and I have no space. You did really well! I’m impressed.

I guess if I work on the basic needs first maybe my life will start to improve again. It can’t get much worse.

That sounds really busy, exhausting and too much peopling! We go to church in the morning. I’ll come home and cook a baked lunch, mum and dad will come for lunch and then go home. Then they come back with 2 of dad’s sisters and 1 brother. We just have cold meats and salad for dinner. Mum and dad like to leave around 8-9 so that means everyone goes. Then it takes me the next day to recover but this year I work nightshift on Boxing Day.

Also.. one other thing @0ddsidian. I got sent an email this morning from a moderator and it was a really kind, compassionate and caring email. Can you please pass that on. They deserve recognition.

I’m glad that you feel like I’ve helped you, @Captain24. I’ve loved getting to know you and see this little chunk of your recovery journey. You’ve really impressed me in this short period of time! The abandonment stuff SUCKS. It’s not uncommon at all, and while you can logically know that me leaving has nothing to do with you, it can still flare up. And thank you for YOUR encouragement.

That all sounds pretty overwhelming, Cap. No wonder you’re having difficult sleeping and you feel particularly sensitive at the moment. I know I might sound like a broken record but I do believe big news and events like what’s happening with you take time to process.

We’re usually MORE sensitive to perceived rejection when we’re distressed, so that’s even more impressive that you didn’t become even more distressed by the adding of the TW section to that post.

I think I remember you saying that you find it hard to cry? (Which I wholeheartedly relate to) I am glad you got the release of having a big cry. The other day someone said to me that crying can be the way we cope with and process our emotions, rather than something to be seen in a negative light. I loved how that was framed.

Re. your friend; I’m glad you know it wasn’t your fault. I wonder if because your brain is in “go, go, go” mode right now and your friend’s sounds like it was in “go slow” mode that there might just have been a difference in how you wanted to spend your time. It’s not a deficit or anything bad. I sometimes refer to things like that as a misalignment (which sounds really corporate, but it pretty accurate). It’s like when I’m with certain friends or family members and they want to have the big light on, but my brain hates it. There’s nothing “wrong” with either of us; it’s just we don’t align on that particular thing.

Thanks for your encouragement! I ended up extended my time in the hotel towards the end of my trip (instead of going back to my friend’s house for two days. I just stayed one night on my last night) because I knew going back to her house for too long would put me on edge again. Self-awareness!

It is definitely exhausting, but I have strategies to make it slightly easier. I usually have a nap in the middle of the day to recharge. I also drive myself (instead of going in the same car as my parents) so I can leave whenever I want to. I also plan my exit excuses early.

Tagging @Coral_Swimmer who was the moderator who emailed you. Thanks for being so sweet and thoughtful! And thanks for recognising them, Cap. You are ALSO sweet and thoughtful ♥️

I’ve enjoyed getting to know you too @0ddsidian. I feel like we have a similar wave length on quite a few things. It’s helped me to know that others actually get it. I know you can’t tell me what you are doing and I don’t expect you too but please tell me you are still working in mental health? You really belong in that space.

It is overwhelming and so is everything else that’s going on. It’s like it has just added more to my already messed up head. Another layer. Plus when I have the surgery in May they have to reinsert a new merima and the hormone cycles starts all over again! So I’ll be back to square one. That was hard to hear as well. I was doing kind of ok with sleep but just couldn’t sleep today. I have just been to the work Christmas party for 4 hours on no sleep since 4 yesterday. I snuck out early as I’m tired and totally peopled out. Definitely overstimulated.

I guess that’s a good point. I would usually have reacted badly but I don’t think I could have handled taking on the rejection too. It could have been what may have pushed me over the edge. I was sitting on it anyway.

I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I broke this morning. Crying lead to ‘stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about’ I still feel like I’m going to be punished. I would only say on here that I broke. Other than my psych I will never mention it to anyone for fear of judgement and looking like a failure! I like how that is framed as well. I’m more than happy to sit with someone and tell them that’s it’s ok and to let it all out. But can’t to myself. I can’t usually cry so when I do it means that everything has gone way too far.

I’ve actually had ‘misalignment’ used before and perfectly sums up the situation. She was obviously comfortable here as there is no way I could do that at someone’s house. I would be up and dressed when I heard them get up. But that’s me. I’m guessing the go go go didn’t help either. But when someone comes here from Sydney I like to show them the cool stuff. Some of it we couldn’t do because of snakes so that’s a cooler month thing. I’m hoping the go go thing is still happening tomorrow as I’ve written a huge list for the next few days. I do have trouble starting but then when I start I just don’t stop.

Well done on your self awareness! Knowing what was what you needed. After a relaxing break you didn’t need to be on edge again. Maybe one day I’ll have the capacity to be able to look out for myself.

Good plans, I have a nap if I have time. I like going in your own car so you can escape when it all gets too much. I didn’t actually realise it but I do the same. Most places I go with my parents it’s in my own car.

Thanks for tagging them. We complain about some moderators and how they email us with a standard email sounding like script but this one was different and I’m big on recognising the good things. If I get exceptional service I usually go to the manager and let them know. And that’s what I wanted today but didn’t know where to go.

I know you aren’t around but I hope you have a really good weekend.

Hey @Captain24, I just wanted to pop in and say thank you for such a lovely message! I'm very glad to have shared that care and support with you. I hope that today has been gentler, and that you've been able to offer yourself the same compassion and thoughtfulness too 🌿.

I'm definitely not the only one who get's it, @Captain24, but I am really glad that our conversations have helped you know that other's are and have experienced some of the things that you have. I don't think I could escape working in mental health even if I tried 😋 It's a part of everything I could do with a social work background. Thanks for hyping me up though!

So proud that you went to the work Christmas party! That can be a lot, so it's no small feat to even go.

It's a good point; about how you don't care if someone else is crying but see it as a failing when you do it. I used to see my lack of crying as a strength, but over the past 5 years or so I've started to see it as a challenge to overcome. Now I cry a bit more (not heaps) and I see it as me connecting to those healthy ways of expressing my emotions, as opposed to bottling them up. I've talked to a few people who say that they haven't been able to cry when they've been in "freeze mode", but once they started to connect to themselves more and feel safer they were then able to start expressing themselves through crying.

Re. your friend; I think if she felt comfortable at your place then that's a testament to how she feels around you. That says a lot! I totally get the pressure of feeling like you need to be up and dressed when you're at someone's house. I felt that a little bit when I was at my friend's house, but she's fortunately a bit similar to me and likes to get up late.

Every time you say the words "maybe" or "might" (e.g. "Maybe one day I’ll have the capacity to be able to look out for myself.") it shows those glimmers of hope, because it kinda shows that you can at least imagine a world where you can do the things that you want to do. I know that they feel super far away. I just wanted to point that out though.

So it sounds like you have your own strategies (which are strengths) to survive uncomfortable situations! Which honestly shows so much self-awareness, self-compassion and resilience.

Obviously we don't all do this work to get recognition, but I know it means so much to us to know when we do something really specific that impacts a member or a participant. It's positive reinforcement, and fills our cups.

I did have a good weekend. Got my nails done again. Haven't taken a good photo yet, but they're gold glitter french tips (if you Google it I'm sure you'll get examples of what I mean). I also wrapped almost all my Christmas presents. My parents are now staying with me, so my house is a bit louder and busier than I'm used to 🙃