AuDHD Life: Anyone else?

That’s good. It was meant to be funny @0ddsidian. My best friend didn’t talk to me for a few weeks after I made that kind of comment to her.

The pain is starting to ease so that is good. I haven’t really had surgery before so it was really unknown territory for me. I’ve done a bit of Lego. But I also sat on the couch a lot and watched some tv. I’ve got those ‘pick ems’ silicone things where you just pick out the stones, so I have been doing that. I have tidied my kitchen today so that feels a little clearer.

I push myself to keep going and make myself think things are better to forget that I am really struggling inside, forget that I have all this noise in my head, forget that I am who I am and that is not much of a person. If I look like I’m coping on the outside then the inside is hidden. I don’t know if that makes sense and really sorry about the negativity. It’s a lot of avoidance and it’s not overly healthy. Distracting removes the thoughts but yes, they came back and I feel like I have to start all over again with pushing myself.

I am working on trying to think of myself and to think about putting boundaries in at times. My dietitian cancelled the next appointment so I don’t have to see her until January now so that feels like a little break and not being ‘forced’ into anything. But I like the little steps. Explaining how it feels and one thing at a time.

I see what you mean. The connection not actually groups as such. I feel in the outer. I don’t kinda feel like I fit into the queer community or the straight community. It’s a feeling of not belonging. I really don’t feel connected in many places. The community is reasonably good reasonable open minded but also as a small country town with older folk!

That’s funny. I’ll put my Christmas tree up Christmas Eve so we can get photos of the dogs!

I get the not in order or lined up correctly! I don’t put lights on my tree when I do set it up as they won’t sit right. I only do tinsel as I can make the ornaments go where I want them to go. The tinsel takes time and then I give up and tell myself it’s just for the dogs. I did put Christmas lights up I. The house when I first moved in but I struggled to get them right too. They wouldn’t sit straight like I wanted and weren’t even on each side of the house!

Maybe I’m not taking up space either!! 😜

I've thought about getting those "pick ems" silicone things, @Captain24! Did you make them yourself or did you buy them?

I get what you mean about masking what's going on the inside. It makes total sense and I relate to that a bit. I mask my struggles it a bit less now, so much so that my parents have said that I've "gotten worse" or regressed over the years. I had to be very frank with my Mum recently and tell her that I've always struggled with particular things; I've just chosen to mask less. I've chosen to put my energy towards actually healing, rather than masking, so it looks like I've regressed. It couldn't be further from the truth actually.

We LOVE small steps! 😂

I'm curious about what you mean by not feeling like you belong in either the queer or straight community? Do you not feel queer enough? This is such an interesting topic; one that I'm sure @Jynx has a million thoughts on too. My personal view of "queerness" is that if you aren't a heterosexual, heteroromantic, cisgender person then you probably fit into the queer / LGBTQIA+ community. I am a cisgendered woman. I've been in a few relationships with cisgendered men, so I might "appear straight" to some people. But I don't feel physical attraction towards people unless I've established an emotional / intellectual connection with them first, and the other person's gender isn't really a factor in whether I'm into someone or not (aka I'm a pansexual queen). I absolutely get the imposter syndrome when it comes to queerness (which has interesting links with neurodivergence).

You put your Christmas tree up on Christmas Eve? That seems like a big job to complete for basically one day of enjoying it haha I'm looking forward to seeing photos! I KNEW you're get it about the ornaments 🤣

@Captain24 @0ddsidian Correct me if I'm wrong on this Cap, but if I recall correctly you identify (or feel like you could identify) as asexual?

Unfortunately erasure of certain queer identities is still a thing! I mean, bi erasure is huge, and they're the B in LGBTQ+! So much 'oh you just can't choose' or even worse, 'you're just greedy'; which I imagine is a similar struggle to what you might cop identifying as pansexual @0ddsidian? But yeah I agree with you wholeheartedly, that if you aren't cishet @Captain24, you belong in the queer community. You may encounter queer folks who aren't accepting of lesser-known identities like asexuality, but you can just ignore them because they are wrong (:

Finding a niche in the queer community (like all the garlic-bread lovers in the asexuality subreddit lol, the running joke being that garlic bread is better than sex 😋) where you feel like you truly belong can take time too. When I first left home, I moved to Sydney specifically for the gay culture. Yeeeaaaaahhhh.... I made zero friends in the queer community there lol, wasn't till I moved to Melbourne I started to find 'my people'. And it is absolutely so valid to find your community in online spaces! Especially living rural!

And yeah that link between ND and queerness be STRONG... I don't think I have any queer friends who aren't ND!! Wonder if there's some kinda research paper out there exploring the link twixt the two.... 🤔

Nah. I buy them. I’m keeping all the little stones and going to make resin coasters with them. Like I need more coasters… @0ddsidian. I actually like them. While I’m sitting and watching tv it keeps my hands busy and I’m not scrolling so I’m actually watching the tv and less distracted.

My life is one big mask. I’m scared to drop it as it’ll mean I’m not avoiding myself. Also, I don’t want others to ‘see’ me. I do see what you are saying though, the less energy I use in masking the more energy I have to recover. The judgement that I give myself and that I think I get from others means I can’t let go. I guess that’s another work in progress. There seems to be a lot in progress. Maybe I need to find one or two things and work on those. I don’t know.. it’s all beginning to feel like to much and a lot to deal with.

@Jynx and I have had this discussion numerous times! I do listen @Jynx but it’s still hard to get my head around.

I am asexual. I’m just not interested in a relationship with anyone. I’m not discounting it but if it does happen then I’m the same, I’d have to build a deep connection first. Gender is no issue for me either. If I connect with someone then it doesn’t matter to me who they are. This is where I struggle to accept where I belong. I feel it’s a little bit different and doesn’t really fit into either. I’m not really sexually attracted to anyone. Yes!!! Imposter syndrome!

I actually have an imposter syndrome issue! It’s pretty bad.

Oh.. it’s not much work to put up the tree the way I do it. Takes me maybe 45 minutes. It’s literally just to take dog photos and put their presents under. If mum, dad and I have presents for each other we do chuck them under too so that it looks better for the photo! It’s all about the dogs in my life! I’ve already got the three (mums dog too) of them two presents each. So I’m good to go! My dogs really don’t need anymore toys though!!!

Oh garlic bread is wwwaaayyy better than sex! @Jynx especially sour dough garlic bread.

Anyway.. now that that is outta the way.

Yes you’re right about being asexual, well that’s what I think anyway. You are so supportive of your community and supportive of others. I admire you for that. Where I have trouble is the ‘imposter syndrome’ from the precious message and the whole judgement of it not being a thing. The ‘you just haven’t found the right person’ thing.

That is kinda interesting. ND and queer. I’m feeling like a big ball of ‘who am I?’ ness

@Captain24 oh boy, tomorrow I will tell you about how valid you totally are (and how similar you are to me!) and share some other thoughts - but for now, nighty night!

And yes omg garlic bread is the BEST! 🤤

Thanks @Jynx

Talk tomorrow night. I’d love your infinite wisdom and insights.

@Captain24 hiya! Hehe heck yes, garlic bread!

Okay so, that feeling of 'impostor syndrome' is not at all uncommon for many queer folks who don't quite fit into more 'mainstream' (for lack of a better word) identities. I reckon it's mainly to do with the fact that sexuality and romantic attraction are such individual, fluid, and complex experiences. Humans love a label because it helps us to identify common ground that we might share - however, most of us don't fit perfectly into one label or another. So, often people who don't fully fit into one category or another end up feeling like impostors, or like they're straddling two communities.

Another complication to this is that people can experience romantic attraction separately to physical attraction - which is why both asexual and aromantic identities exist. Some folks also experience split attraction, where they may want romantic connections without the sex, or sexual connections without romance. Or they might feel romantically attracted to women, but sexually attracted to men.

And yet more complexity - the identity that most strongly fits my experiences is 'demisexual' - some put it under the banner of asexuality, some consider it a separate identity altogether - but basically it describes exactly what you said above: I don't experience sexual attraction to like... anyone until I have formed an emotional connection with them. This is why I strongly related to asexuality for ages, cos up till I met my previous partners, the idea of wanting to have sex with someone before even talking to them was just ludicrous to me.

Humans may love a binary, but nature... she don't really do binaries 😉

So when you said,

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@Captain24 wrote:

I’d have to build a deep connection first. Gender is no issue for me either. If I connect with someone then it doesn’t matter to me who they are.

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I was just sat here like 'Oh lookie we probably have the same or similar queer identities! Cos this is SO ME!' 😋

I consider myself demi-pansexual; pansexuality basically means being attracted to 'multiple genders' (i.e. like what you said, that gender is no real issue) - maybe that suits you too?

As with anything in queer-world, no one gets to decide what identity makes the most sense for us, and no one gets to police whether or not we belong to the queer community. You're as much a part of it as I am - if you want to be!

I feel like that @Jynx. I’m not mainstream so I don’t fit. It is really complex. It’s not just that guy is cute he can be my boyfriend and have a sexual relationship and then get to know each other. Don’t get me wrong.. I have had one night stands but it was more due to what was expected. That was just what happens next. Did I ever enjoy it? No. It was fun but no pleasure. That’s what lead to my SA. It was my fault I put myself in that situation and that slowed me down a lot and bucked what was expected for a while. I’ve had the one night stands with men and women. More so men as that was expected and the ‘norm’

Anyhows.. that’s a little off track! You bring all sorts of stuff out of me!

I do feel like I’m straddling. My past doesn’t fit but who I am kinda doesn’t fit either.

That’s where the asexuality fits as I don’t think I’m interested. But if I met someone and connected with them on a whole different level then I would be. I don’t even feel myself attracted to people. I don’t even really think ‘oh she’s really pretty’ or ‘he’s really cute’ just nothing. Definitely no sexual attraction.

That’s where I think the asexual fits but I’m not ruling out anything ever happening. If I find someone that I deeply connect with then that’s different. Maybe that’s what fits best. Demisexual. I really have no care for gender. If I connect with the person then that’s what matters.

Maybe it is the Demi-pansexual as you seem to get what I feel and think. Your words are like ‘that’s me!’ You get me!

This discussion has made me feel more ‘settled’ for want of a better term. More where I fit, more understanding of myself. More sense of belonging in myself. I really don’t know if any of that makes sense as I can word it right.

@Captain24 omg sooooo true - I really did think I was 'broken' (in terms of my sexuality) for the longest time cos I always felt like I had to 'go through the motions' - i.e. fake it, really. Cos that's what you're supposed to do, right?

I think something not oft spoken about is just how incredibly vulnerable sex can be. The amount of discomfort I pushed through because I thought it was the only way to be loved.... yikes. And hun... I can see how it may be something that put you in a position to be vulnerable to SA, but it was NOT your fault. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and it makes sense you've had to withdraw to protect yourself.

I am so here for this sense of feeling more settled! Something that also helped me is reading about other queer folks whose identities sort of...shifted. Being reminded that sexuality (and even gender) doesn't need to be static - we can take on a label and use it for as long as it feels right, and then change it if it doesn't, or even add to it - e.g. for a while I said I was 'grey-asexual' because asexual felt too exclusive, because like you I felt like 'if I met the right person, maybe?'

So all in all, I encourage you to take your time, get a feel for what seems right for you, and remember that you are definitely not alone in your experiences 😊💜