AuDHD Life: Anyone else?

No worries, @Captain24. No need to respond in any particular timeframe (as long as you're safe). First off; this whole post is wonderful. I'm so proud of you!

Glad you've heard back from the hospital. Fingers-crossed the anesthetist won't be far behind them.

You've spoken highly of your psych before, which is lovely! 4 hours is a long drive though. Sometimes an in-person appointment can feel really good. I'm INCREDIBLY fortunate that my psych's office is 900m (or less) from my house 😅

I personally hate the idea of "normal". I think it's a word made up by people who are boring but have a lot of power. I reckon you could find some images / memes about the strengths of AuDHDers.

Your hours are so hectic. It seems like you often push through when it's hard and still rock up to work. I really want to shoutout this sentence: "So it is a huge achievement and knowing that I have done it is something that I’m really proud of on the darkest of days." Quick! Record that one somewhere!

The power of lived experience is so real, Cap! We're all humans with feelings and experiences. Please remember that you are also helping others by sharing parts of your own experiences too. I saw your response in the thread about struggling to shower and THAT is exactly what we mean. You don't necessarily have to have tips or advice to share to be helpful. It's helpful when you can say "Hey, I also experience this thing so you're not alone".

It's really good that you know that what the case managers said and did was toxic.

Just want to reflect that you've said a few times (in previous posts) that you haven't made progress, but this whole response shows that you definitely have. You're the one who did the work.

Any strategy that we try takes time, so if you wanna give the separation stuff a go just remember that.

With the coffee-rejection thing; it wasn't my finest hour. I did briefly emotional hurt my partner. I know it was an attachment wound that was triggered, but it wasn't okay that I hurt them. I was manipulative with my response. I have the "right" to feel whatever I feel, as we all do. I didn't have the right to hurt them. There was a lot of shame (for me) afterwards. But we've worked through it with love and compassion and understanding. Great job rewording that sentence from should to could ♥️

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Im guessing that I will eventually get to the stage of understanding that I need patience and can see a better life in the light. I have come a really long way. Especially in the last, probably, 3 months. 10 months out of community health has also let me grow a little. So I have long periods of extremely low periods, yes I do and they can last for a couple of months with no trigger needed.. damn bipolar. I have moments when I am good at self compassion like last night I came home from work and had a hot shower to try and feel better. I had the shower before I had dinner. Just trying to see if I could shift something. I didn’t work but at least I tried. I also do self compassion so much better in summer. I love the warmer months and the heat. I will go and just lay out in the sun. Summer just generally helps.

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THIS whole paragraph makes me smile 😊

I love the list you just gave! I think that's so great and honestly I'd just own all that stuff. I'll try to come up with my own list to share with you.

I don't mind a long ramble. It might mean that it'll take longer to get a response (because I want to honour what you've said, plus other work stuff), but it's fine if it's long.

Love the images. I absolutely think there's grief in a late diagnosis, and I know so many others relate.

Hiya @Captain24 @0ddsidian

psst I've kinda been lurking/skimming your conversation over the last little while. Weeks? Months? Who knows, the blindness to time is strong in this one 🤣

Anyway sorry to interject, but two things....

First, OMG 🫣🥹This is SO LOVELY!

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@Captain24 wrote:

Im really glad that all of you mods, in varying levels have experience. It’s not like trying to help us when you don’t understand. It’s that you can relate and suggest things that have helped you. I feel like I can share and be heard in a helpful way and the fact that you all are so open does make me feel validated.

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So so powerful, the sharing of stories 💜

Secondly, I was just thinking on the whole 'changing should/need to' to 'could' dealio and wanted to add another!

When I saw this -

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@Captain24 wrote:

Im not sure what the strengths are yet. I have trouble with that in general. I’m still at the why me stage. Why can’t I be ‘normal’. Why is it so hard… those kinda things.

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Reminded me of something that helps me - changing 'why' to 'how' or 'when'.

E.g.

'Why is it all so hard?'

becomes

'How is it all so hard?'

And then when I start listing the challenges I'm facing, I kinda go 'huh, no wonder I feel so overwhelmed.' It's a pathway towards self-compassion 😊

'Why can't I be normal?'

'When can I be normal? Hmm, I guess when I figure out what 'normal' is, figure out if I want it, then find the next steps to get me to that place.'

'Why am I like this?' (tryna break the habit on this one at the moment actually, so this is good practice for me!)

'When/how did I get like this? Oh right, since my traumatising, undiagnosed-developmental-disordery childhood where lots of my needs, especially my emotional needs, went unmet.... It's okay that I'm like this. I know I am working on it and I know it will take time.'

It doesn't always work or make sense ('How me?'...well, we know how!! Teehee) but sometimes it is a helpful lil way to reframe my spirally thoughts into pondery ones.

Yeah.. I am safe. Last night my response was unfortunately I’m safe. @0ddsidian. My afternoon sleep was good now to get ready to go to work.

Oh I’d love that my psych be that close. I do a lot of Telehealth appointments with my dietitian and Pdoc so for me Telehealth is fine. I know some people struggle with it. I actually get nervous when I see her in person. But it is good, I love that interpersonal contact. Oh and see hugs me afterwards!!

I was thinking about it and a better word for normal would be regular. I know it’s boring but I guess I mean feeling less overwhelmed with everything like long depressive episodes, conflicting brain and trauma responses. I know that is what makes me me but it’s just so much hard work most days. O honestly haven’t seen any about the positives of this. It would be nice to see though to know where the good parts are.

I know it’s a good statement but don’t realise until I typed it. I also don’t realise that I was proud of myself. It exhausts me so much. In that time is a 40 minute trip to and from work, dodging stupid kangaroos and other wildlife!

Sometimes I just want to be heard (which I know that mostly I am) so I just wanted her to know that I understand. But for me I felt less alone too. I know it happens to most of us.

My last trip to hospital put so much into perspective for me. That my psych was toxic too. My Pdoc in hospital told me that I was never to see her again so I messaged her and said that I couldn’t see her. That’s when I got this psych, she is from the body and does private patients. While I was there I realised that the treatment I received from all the psychs and nurses and facilitators was what I deserved in my life so things had to change. (I know… a good reflection and good for me for picking it up!)

I would like to try the separation thing but it’ll take a lot of time to remember before being able to do it.

I think it’s great that you recognised that it wasn’t your finest hour and were able to work through it with a calmer mind. Also that they were understanding.

Yep I do way better in summer o think and so does my psych, that I have SAD but I don’t really have anything to work with.

Id love to see your list and maybe we can swap some ideas anything for me to thrive in the summer months!

Thank you for responding to me all the time. I do appreciate that I take a lot of time out of your busy day so I just want you to know that it really is appreciated. I think I have come a long way with posting thanks to you!

Now I have to face a really long night at work. I don’t want to but I guess that’s the joys of having a job 😢 depressed and night shift don’t work well together.

Oh and my test result from my biopsy on my wrist have come back cancer free so that it’s a good thing for today.

Hey @Jynx

I love that you have been following along and I appreciate it. I’m actually glad that you can see I’m trying hard and listening.

I’ll keep trying the ‘should’ word. Sometimes I pick it up and others I don’t but it is progress. Yes I just admitted to that!!! 😂

I like changing the ‘how to why and when but this is a new one so I need lots of reminding and practise with that one!

Are you the type of person who can nap, @Captain24? I am an absolute nap QUEEN. Except my naps turn into sleeps…

You know I really do think people with Autism often seem to like telehealth. I think it could be because you can just do the appointment from a location that feels comfortable and predictable. And if it’s just a phone-call and not a video, you don’t have to think about what your face and body are doing! Which means more of your energy and focus can go into the conversation.

I totally get what you mean about “regular” feeling like a better word and that it can feel super exhausting to live in a “different” brain. There are definitely some strengths images that I’ve seen on social media about having an Autistic or ADHD brain. I think I’ve even seen some Bipolar ones too. I will keep my eye out for them and share a few with you.

Sometimes those positive statements, thoughts and feelings just pop up. That’s why it’s important to acknowledge them when we do notice them. They can be fleeting, but they still happened.

I’m really glad that you used your lived experience to help someone feel heard and less alone. It’s genuinely a big part of why I do this work too. Sharing your lived experience also plays a small role in reducing stigma. I’m going to share a video on that post soon, which a lot of people have probably seen, but it’s the TED Talk by KC Davis. I think you’d like it.

It sounds like you’ve really made a lot of progress and done some amazing things since finishing up with the community mental health team. It’s so good that you’ve been able to recognise that you deserve positive, respectful treatment from healthcare workers!

Things like “the coffee” scenario do come up pretty regularly for me. It wasn’t an isolated incident by any means. I felt hurt, so my immediate reaction was partly to make my partner also feel some of that hurt. But that’s not what I want to do really. So I’m learning to break that habit; to talk it out and communicate how I’m feeling instead. I used to think it wasn’t possible for me to make progress or heal in this area, but I’ve definitely been proven otherwise.

I don’t think I’m impacted TOO much by the weather, but maybe that’s just because the weather in Victoria is SO unpredictable haha I DO really love feeling the sun on my skin and a nice breeze when the weather is warm. I sleep better in Winter though. I think it’s really good that you understand that you’re naturally going to feel a bit lower in the colder months. Maybe this can help you be compassionate with yourself?

I’ve put “Come up with a list of odd things that I do” as a task on my Finch app, so I’ll hopefully remember to create a list. Are there any specific things that you want to do / achieve in Summer?

I literally respond like once a day, Cap, if that haha I do it when I have the time in my day (because the bulk of my work isn’t on the Forums). It’s no bother at all. I enjoy jumping in and spending time with the forums fam when I can. I’m glad you’ve found it helpful!

So glad that your biopsy came back with good results. That must reduce some anxiety!

This is going to be a hard one today. I shared everything that I am feeling yesterday on here in my thread. It didn’t get deleted so I must have passed the ‘recovery focused’ thing. I’m feeling the ‘vulnerability hangover’ today. I’ve never even shared with my psych like that before. I feel ashamed and rejected. There was no rejection but I feel it. I should have gotten out of bed around 12 but I’ve just dragged myself out now. I want to leave at 5:30 in the morning to go to see my psych so I have to get everything sorted today. I’m just not feeling it. I’ll do the typical adhd thing and do it at the last minutes. The asd thing won’t cope with that though. @0ddsidian

I guess I can’t really say I nap as such. I can’t do 30 minutes at a time or anything it’s usually a couple of hours! I can sleep anytime of the day! I love that you get it.

I like Telehealth. I don’t have to be in the room with someone. I’m here on my own. I don’t have to think about what to wear, I don’t have to have a shower or have washed my hair, I don’t have to get there in time just log in. Plus I use a squishy the whole time I’m on my appointment. It feels like a lot less pressure. Yes..I’m more focused on the appointment than worrying about everything else.

I’ve been looking for strength ones but haven’t seen any. I’d love it if you saw some. Something positive would be good to see instead of just all the negative that I’m already feeling.

Im trying to be more mindful of the good things I say or think. Trying to notice them in the moment. But I also did notice that I can also respond to something on the spur of the moment and in an abrupt and rude way. Just ask my boss from Saturday night! He shouldn't have been an arsehole first though!

Im looking forward to a video. I saw a meme on facebook that I posted on there and she felt ‘seen’ I thought that she would as I felt it too. I’m sure many others feel it too.

I was devastated when they discharged me but it honestly has been the best thing for me. The growth has been amazing and actually being able to see it and acknowledge it is a big thing. (Today I don’t see it though) I’m able to understand myself better, that’s where I see the progress. Everyone deserves to be respected and to have positive supports in place.

I get the whole they hurt you you want them to feel some too. I get why you do it. One thing that I think is good is that you can stand up for yourself. I just let them hurt me a take it on board and walk away feeling worse. I do know that that is not really the time for it though! 😜 It’s so good that you have recognised it and that it’s a common thing. You are working on it and noticing improvements so that deserves to be acknowledged. Sometimes I feel for partners of people with MH challenges, I’m sure they have a lot to navigate.

I hate the cold, I hate being cold, I hate the short days, I hate the miserableness of it. I have always said that I don’t function well in winter. I spend a lot of time in bed. It also gets really cold here. We had -5 and 6’s overnight this winter and a lot of the days didn’t reach double digits! I find it hard to find the compassion and it’s really hard. The summer gets hot 40 plus.. Love the sun

Over the summer I really want to spend time in the sun and feel healthier. I want to get back into all my hobbies and things. Trying to keep that up to get me through winter. Nothing really exciting just make use of enjoying the weather.

I love the weird things in finch. Does that count as one? 😂 I’ve noticed that lately when I get stressed I keep clicking my tongue and grinding my teeth. It’s really only a new thing I think. I’ve never noticed it before but it’s really annoying me. Oh and my tongue and jaw are sore!

As often as you can means a lot to me! I don’t think you realise! So you don’t moderate on the forums? I’m glad you pop in though.

This isn’t positive as such but good reading!

Here is a good one! I’m a cute panda

I went back and had a look at the post you're talking about, @Captain24. I can see why you're feeling the vulnerability hangover from it. It's really great that you were mindful of others and asked to put that section in a TW box. And that you let everyone know that you're safe and that you're just expressing how you're feeling. It really is awesome to see that you're recognising when something FEELS like rejection, as opposed to BEING rejected.

I envy the people who can do short "power naps". I just zonk out at any point in the day. Honestly, I think I've accidentally trained by body to get sleepy when I'm anxious 😂

When we (humans) are heightened we tend to be more reactive and say/do things without fully thinking them through. It's also harder for us to remember the strategies, lessons and information we use to cope when we're heightened. That's why it's helpful to practice them when we're not in a super heightened state; so that it's easier to recall them or draw on those strategies when we do become heightened.

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@Captain24 wrote:

Everyone deserves to be respected and to have positive supports in place.

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^^^ You said this, which is SO true. If you believe that, do you believe that about yourself? Because if you do, that actually means (on some level) you have some self-esteem and value yourself. Because you said "everyone". Maybe it's not a huge amount, but it's SOMETHING (small wins, Cap).

I will absolutely stand up for myself where it's needed. In that particular situation I was in the wrong. My partner also has complex mental health challenges, as do a lot of my family members, so I see it from both sides. I'm very fortunate to have the support that I do.

I like that you have big goals. Are there specific hobbies that you want to get back into? I have lots of lofty dreams of what I want to do in Summer, but I'm trying to keep my goals realistic so that I don't burn myself out or feel bad if I don't do the things I want to do.

I think putting that as a task in Finch can count haha Some other things I do (just a very short list so far):
- I can't wear blue and green together (like blue pants with a green top)
- I hate wearing rubber gloves when doing dishes.
- I have to turn on and off different electronics in the same order each time (e.g. first it's my lamp, then it's my split-system, then it's my TV).
- I always sit with at least one leg bent like a flamingo, usually tucked under me.
- I bit the inside of my cheek as a stim.
- I run my long nails (gently) along my skin while I'm trying to sleep, also as a stim.

I'm glad it's meaningful. I enjoy it too! I moderate sometimes, mostly covering people's breaks or spending time in the Shoulder-to-Shoulder spaces. It's just not the main part of my job 😊

Love those images!

Thanks for reading. I appreciate that @0ddsidian. Thanks also for recognising my efforts to post it in the right way. I made is mistake today that I didn’t actually realise was too bad. When it was edited I emailed apologising for my mistake. I actually received supportive emails back with understanding. It was a positive experience with the couple of emails to and from. I felt recognised and supported, not in trouble

I’m working really hard in the rejection thing now that I know it’s an issue. I don’t see it in the moment but as I replay everything in my head a thousand times I eventually see that maybe it wasn’t.

I read that post to my psych yesterday and nearly broke down but I kept control of myself. She was impressed that I could actually identify my feelings so clearly. We are working on my anger responses. With my boss the other night I know I shouldn’t have responded the way I did, I could see, in hindsight, that he has things going on at work and maybe that is why he was rude. My psych said if I can be compassionate about him could I be about myself? Maybe I responded the same as I have a lot of things going on. She has a point.

Maybe sleeping when anxious is an avoidant response? Sleep and you can’t feel it? I get wired when anxious but I’m really good at putting myself to bed when I’m bored. There is lots of times I’ll be bored but there is really plenty to do I just don’t want to. I look at things and think I’m too bored to try it! Stupid.. I know.

I really need to ….’could’ learn to work on the reactive side of things. That is in progress though. I need to think before I speak! That’s in general, if I can start to get that improved then maybe in reactive situations it might follow.

I’m really good about thinking that of other people, as now that I’m finding really good supports myself, it’s important. ummm…I guess a part of me realises that I do deserve it but the other part also says that I don’t. That I don’t deserve the fabulous psych that I have. What have I done right to deserve her? I am really lucky though. I always seem to have to question the good things, not instantly see that it’s ok. More work!!

Im a really bad people pleaser so I can’t stand up for myself or if I do I go about it the wrong way. I don’t like confrontation and I always cry when it happens. That makes it so much worse and shows the people pleasing side. I would love the strength to be able to stand up for myself appropriately. I’m so glad that you do! It’s good that you have so many people that ‘get it’ and can understand where you are coming from and work together. I’m sure you have been on the receiving end as well.

I want to do more with my resin stuff. I saw some ideas that came through on Facebook. I’m going to try them on coaster moulds before I do the harder stuff that I want as they aren’t moulds that I can redo. I also have a mosaic idea that I want to try. I’m not sure how to go about it but I want to give it a crack anyway. I’m finding a little confidence in being able to think about trying. I just need to confidence to put it into action. They are the creative things. Other than that just Lego kits and wooden 3D puzzle kits.

What kind of lofty dreams? I completely get the fear of feeling like you have failed if it doesn’t happen. Also burning out. Can you be gentle with yourself and have those dreams? (If only I’d listen to myself!)

They are interesting and thanks so much for sharing. I’m learning that some things I do are ok. Like biting the inside of my lip while reading this.

I wear mostly denim bottoms as most things go with them but struggle with black shorts as I think they are too harsh with most things? Makes no sense!

Im sitting here with my legs curled up! I can never sit with 2 feet in the ground. Even when im driving I have one leg tucked back beside the seat!

Funny story!! So I went to see my psych in person and it’s a sleepy little coastal village. I rock up in denim shorts, a gingham long sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up and thongs. I’m driving down the Main Street in a dusty suv with a bull bar. Then the song on my playlist was Lee Kernaghans ‘She’s my Ute’ comes on and my music was loud. Could I have looked anymore bushy! 😂

It’s really meaningful. I’m learning a lot about myself, the correct ways of posting, better ways of speaking to myself and enjoying getting to know you.

If it’s ok to ask? What kind of things do you do if you are really around the forums much. I do know that there is a lot of work behind the scenes just never really knew what? Please don’t answer if it’s inappropriate.

Love it!!! So relatable!!

I can see that you're working on the rejection stuff, @Captain24. You're doing well. Acknowledge the small wins, because cumulatively they're not small.

That vulnerable post really showed that you were connecting with the feelings in your body when you're dysregulated, which is often difficult when you've experienced trauma, and is also quite common for Autistic people. Have you ever heard of the Window of Tolerance? Maybe your window is a bit narrow at the moment.

You're spot on about the sleeping thing. It's impressive that you picked up on that without me explaining the reason. It's absolutely related to avoidance. It probably also relates to my Window of Tolerance, and also my stimulation levels. I get sleepy and foggy when I'm under-stimulated. This also connects with my AuDHD.

"I guess a part of me realises that I do deserve it" - WRITE THIS DOWN! This is so important. We don't have to have "done" anything to be deserving of respect and support, Cap. There isn't a set of criteria that we have to meet as humans to deserve that ♥️

"Im a really bad people pleaser so I can’t stand up for myself or if I do I go about it the wrong way" - Do you think you can reframe this one for me? 😜 I'm personally an angry / frustrated crier haha

What's the mosaic idea? I want to scrapbook some custom Christmas cards for my friends this year. I also want to go to the beach more this Summer. I want to do more things outside after work, like go for a wander around the city. I'd also like to spend more time with some of my friends. I'm going to try to be kind to myself and not be too disappointed if I don't do as much as I want to do. I'm a firm believer that humans need more gentleness.

Do you find the colour black is just too harsh on your skin tone? It's very harsh on mine but I kind of like that. I mostly wear black (I absolutely am today).

Sounds SO bushy haha

That's so sweet, Cap! I also enjoy getting to know you, and other members too. It's a reminder to me that I'm not alone in my experiences.

It's fine for you to ask, Cap. I won't go into any detail about what I do, but the way I've explained it before (when others have asked) is that I currently do a similar job to tyme but just for a different part of SANE.

I’m trying to better myself as I’m learning more about myself. @0ddsidian. I really want to get well and I know it’s a hard slog but like you said it’s one step at a time and a slow process.

Im working on the feelings thing. My psych has me ‘dropping anchor’ to notice what I’m feeling. A lot of the time I’m unable to work it out but there is the odd one that comes through. She also told me to right down what I’m feeling and thinking, in my notebook that’s hanging around, and then just throw it out. If I can’t throw it out I need to tell her what it is and why. My journal is in my room and it’s kinda out of sight out of mind and I can’t put it anywhere accessible as I don’t want mum to see it while she is in here unattended! Apparently writing it connects with your brain more than typing. It’s the motion of writing.

I do have a lot of trouble when I’m dysregulated. But I’m working on it. Yes they go through the window of tolerance in hospital then the fight, flight, freeze, fawn. I think my window is shattered! 😜 I’ve been doing stuff today that’s for me, Lego, resin and a 3D jigsaw puzzle. Trying to look after myself and gradually help with the window of tolerance.

Totally understand the under stimulated thing! But then when I’m well over stimulated I try to sleep to unwind.

Im trying to see myself as deserving and as a whole person not just my MI. I even think I discovered a strength today. I think maybe I might be a compassionate person. Just not always, basically to the people I care about and have some compassion when others are going through a hard time, well some people.

Reframe: I am a people pleaser and have trouble standing up for myself and sometimes if I do it’s not always in the best way. How’d I go?

I cry when I’m angry too. It really annoys me especially in an argument as it feels like they win or that they are thinking, she’s just being female.

I got some different coloured green mosaic tiles and I want to cover a small wooden box with them. Starting with the lightest colour in the middle and spreading out to the darker colours. I’m just not sure on how to do the hinges to keep them from getting grout in them. Also I want to seal it as the grout just keeps falling out but not sure how to do that either. I can see it in my mind so I might give it a go and see what happens. I have reason ideas that I can ‘see’ but it’s not working for me when I do it. I have ordered plate sized moulds so maybe that’ll be easier than small coasters.

Homemade cards are so nice, it means someone has put thought into what they are giving you. It’s so personal

They sound like awesome things. The beach one makes me so jealous! I really wish it was so much closer. It sounds like you want to utilise the longer days and relish in the warmer weather. Yes.. be gentle with yourself. I’m trying that, not doing very well at it but another work in progress.

It makes my tanned legs look white! I have black clothes that I wear together, I just prefer denim and navy’s. Black does look good though. I do like seeing people in it just wish it would work for me.

Oh ok.. that sounds busy and interesting. tyme is always in the go and so busy with work things. Thanks for sharing though.

This is the only place that I feel like I’m not alone. I do go to a mental health group occasionally, I was suppose to go last night but just couldn’t face it. It’s a hard group as they are all about positivity, not many get to share much as it’s a program kinda like AA. If you have a problem that you want to share in the allocated spaces, they go through this little booklet and find a ‘wisdom’ it’s a little cryptic phrase and there is lots of them. There is no just sitting with the moment.l and just being heard and supported, they want to fix it. I decided on Monday that I feel like it’s toxic positivity. Not sure if that’s the right wording but you get what I mean.

I feel like this is a pretty positive post! Lots of ‘trying’. It’s moments like these that I think to myself that maybe I can do this.