AuDHD Life: Anyone else?

Dad is losing his hearing. I asked last night if he wanted my brother to hear the tv. My brother was 4 suburbs over!! He got the shits with me! @0ddsidian

Ive just finished unpacking everything and started all the washing. We went to a rock face this morning to see the wild surf crashing on the rocks before we left. It was amazing, I’m glad I made them do it. I also took the dogs for their last walk on the beach this morning until February.

It definitely isn’t linear. It’s really hard work. I’m hoping I can keep up what I’ve been feeling while away. Every time I take a step back I instantly go to the ‘I’ve failed’ mindset. I really need to focus on the fact that I’ve been ok before I can do it again and that I’ve have taken steps back before and got through them. It’s hard in the moment though.

There is a few nature spots here in town but they are all full of brown snakes. I have to check my yard before I’ll let my dogs out as there is so many in my estate. I had one in my yard in March so now I’m extra scared. I actually developed a phobia after that. My psych needs to help me with that when she is back. It’s quite debilitating, I’m scared to walk my dogs and I’m scared when mum and dad walk them while I’m at work. They walk through the park and around the walking track and there is 5 that actually live in those places. I do try and spend some time outside in my yard when I can. I like to sunbake and feel the warmth and sun on my skin. I mow the lawn and while I hate it I do enjoy being out in the sun.

Yeah, I always expect rejection and anticipate it. That makes it hard to connect on here and in life. I always try and take the step back first but still feel it.

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I took a heap of photos this morning.  I won’t have anything good now.

I've asked sassy rhetorical questions to my Grandad before, @Captain24. He wasn't a huge fan of it either... 🙃

Wow, you're unpacking already? That's impressive. It usually takes me at least a few days to a week to unpack from a trip. I'm glad the puppies got one last walk.

I read a quote the other day that said "All things are difficult before they are easy". Even if you can't consistently keep up the feeling you've had while you're away, that's totally okay. I went on a holiday earlier this year, which gave me a lot a joy, and then I had a "dopamine crash" afterwards. I felt really sad and depressed because the dopamine I got from the holiday faded away, so it felt kind of jarring. That can be even more common for people with ADHD, so maybe keep an eye out for that kind of feeling?

Snakes can be pretty scary. Even though I know that they're DEFINITELY more scared of me than I am of them, it's hard to move past that. Particularly if you're worried about your tiny fur babies. I also like to be in the sun. I sometimes describe myself as a flower, who needs sun to grow! My skin is SO white. Blindingly white, so I need to wear so much sunscreen, which can be a sensory nightmare haha

Keeping to myself (to avoid feeling rejected) always made me feel safe. It also blocked me from any connection though. It's a double-edged sword. A reminder that connection doesn't have to be deep or intense. We can keep things surface level.

I'd like to gently introduce you to a forums member who I think you have a bit in common with (unsure if you've ever interacted haha). They're an AuDHDer, and they also have two chihuahua's! @Meredyth49; you're a pretty epic human. When you see this, maybe you can introduce a little bit about yourself (within the guidelines of course) ♥️

Those photos are so cool. I love the water but those rocks are also really interesting.

I’ve unpacked, done all the washing and ironing. My washing machine has just finished the last load. It’s been going since 7 am. Apart from the 1 1/2 hours I was at an appointment @0ddsidian

Thats a good quote but sometimes they just seem to stay difficult. Life never seems to get any easier for me. I just stuff up and fail all the time. I don't get anything right. Well continually anyway.

I get that keeping myself from being rejected isn’t helpful but I’m scared to put myself out there.

I hope I don’t crash but I’m feeling a little bit down. I’m hoping it’s just that I’m tired. I haven’t been sleeping well while on holidays but didn’t sleep well last night either. I also had a gyno appointment today and I have to have surgery so that’s playing on my mind too.

Snakes are horrible. The fear is constant as they are just so bad out here and it’s not even summer yet.

I have olive skin so that’s not too bad. I did get burnt on holidays though but I did put suncream on before I went to the beach just not when I was out in the sun the rest of the time. I don’t think the dermatologist is going to be very happy with me! Oops.. I do go brown pretty quickly though so hopefully the sunburn will have gone by Monday.

I haven’t talked to them before. I’m scared about being on here though and sharing as I have failed and gotten into trouble again. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough to be on here. I just don’t get it right. It doesn’t matter how hard I try I just get threatened with being banned. No acknowledgment of trying to do the right thing. It makes me want to give up and it has really affected me. Pretty deeply actually.

Hey @Captain24

Your "all or nothing" brain is showing 😉 "Failure" is a very strong word. I promise you that I'm not consistent at anything. Name it; I'm not consistent with it.

It's definitely scary to put yourself out there sometimes. Again, it's definitely not "all or nothing". You don't have to share huge chunks of yourself with others. Even small things like responding to something like the Ice-Breakers thread would be an example of putting yourself out there. I believe that's how you first started responded to me, yeah?

When I crash I crash hard. I had a ROUGH weekend and ended up bedrotting the entire weekend. I didn't clean a single thing. I slept for the majority of the time and I only got out of bed to eat. Massive dopamine crash. Plus my anxiety is high too.

Do you have a sunscreen brand / type that you stick to? I use Neutrogena Beach Defence because it feels less sticky and is less of a sensory nightmare for me. I also have a specific face sunscreen.

"I just don't get it right". I beg to differ, Cap. I could scroll up to MANY previous responses you've made in this thread and show you evidence against that statement ♥️ Have you slipped up? Sure. I slip up in life SO MUCH. Does slipping up mean that you can't do something AT ALL or that you're a failure? Absolutely not.

I know that when you're in a rough headspace that you find it hard to see your growth and that a lot of things feel like rejection. Trust me, I've been there and can find myself there regularly. I do think that "text-based" communication can mean that it's hard for us to hear the tone in a message, and that we often hear the tone in the way that feels more negative (remember the natural negativity bias I spoke about?). This seems to be even more difficult for people with Autism, in my experience.

That meme is such a mood 😂 I wish I could share TikTok videos on here, but I saw a good one earlier about AuDHD. Maybe I'll try to take some screenshots of it or something so I can post it!

I can’t fine the grey can I? 😜 @0ddsidian

How about I reframe it… I feel like a failure. It is a strong word and I use it all the time to describe myself. When I was young if something wasn’t perfect the I was told I was a failure. Just another one of those things I need to work on.

I do struggle with consistency a lot! I get things happening and in a routine and then it stops. I like things to be routine and consistent but I just can’t keep at it. I think that’s the whole AuDHD thing fighting its self.

I actually have responded on that thread a couple of times. Just not into this weeks one, see what next weeks is. It’s actually huge that I have put myself so out there with you. I started slow and went from there so I can see where you are coming from.

Sorry you crashed so hard. Sometimes bed rotting is just what we need. I do beat myself up for it though. But you got up and come to work today. That is a huge achievement! Anxiety is a hard one, it makes you question everything. While I hate that you went through that this weekend, I do appreciate you sharing that, thank you. I do hope that today is a little easier for you?

I just use the cancer council one bug I hate it. I hate that it feels sticky, I hate the way my skin feels after, I hate the way it makes the water feel! I don’t like moisturiser either, when you get hot it gets all sweaty but a different sweaty if you get what I mean.

I have been trying and I thought I was getting better at it but yes I slipped up and it just went straight to being banned if I do it again. It’s hard to read the tone of an email but I did find one part as sarcastic and not nice. That hurt and made me feel even worse. I could have read it wrong but I don’t think so.

I did feel like a failure and rejected. I also felt that I had let you down and that disappointed me. You have worked so hard with me and I just go and stuff up again. I do struggle to see my growth especially when I get into trouble all the time… I mean a lot of the time (reframe) I need to work out how to stop feeling the perceived rejection. How to not instantly go to that place. I just don’t know how. How do you get through it? If you don’t mind me asking or is it just an autism thing that I have to be mindful of?

Of course I read it as negative! 😂 but I did try to reread it in a more positive tone (progress) but still came up with the same feeling.

Sometimes it would be good to be able to share videos but I get that that is to hard to moderate. I have some awesome ones of the dogs, especially Pix when I say to her that she can have a treat!

Maybe it's not that you can't find the grey, @Captain24. Maybe you just don't like it (same though) 😂

It's a good strategy; to say "I feel" rather than "I am". Another reframe that I find helpful is changing "I need to" or "I should" to something like "I could". Both of those reframes lean more into the grey of life and challenge expectations.
Examples: Instead of "I need to work on that", try "I could work on that".

Routine for people with ADHD is usually really hard. In contrast, Autistic people often really want routine. So having both ADHD and Autism can mean a bit of internal conflict which can be WILD to navigate. What you've just described sounds like quintessential AuDHD to me 🙃

It really is a huge step to be testing the waters with other threads! Definitely proud of you for doing that, AND for acknowledging that you've been able to try responding in other spaces.

Thanks for your compassion. Self-compassion can be tricky but I do know that the bedrotting was needed. Work is a great motivator. Always happy when my experiences can help others feel less shame ♥️

I absolutely get what you mean about the sweaty feeling from sunscreen! I try to make sure to put sunscreen on quite a bit before I'm actually outside in the heat, so it can absorb as much as possible and feel less sweaty. Like, at least 20-30 minutes!

Email tone is so hard! I sometimes challenge myself to think of the tone in an almost ridiculously positive tone, even if I don't fully believe it in the moment. Trying to retrain my brain. You'd be surprised how well it can work sometimes. Our inner saboteur can be very loud and convincing.

Firstly, great job saying "I did feel" and "I felt". AND for reframing #recovery-focused 😜
Secondly, I'm definitely don't see you as letting anyone down.

Lemme know if I'm way off the mark, but it sounds like you want a really clear answer and pathway to not being as affected by rejection / perceived rejection (also AMAZING JOB identifying that it's "perceived" rejection and not necessarily actually being rejected)? I wish I could give you THE answer. I don't even know if I can give you MY answer (I don't really have one) but I'll try to explain what I've learnt about me.

For me rejection is linked to my childhood and how I grew up. And because it's linked to my childhood, my attachment style and core beliefs about myself it has been REALLY difficult to shift. If you think about it, if you've believed something or done something in one way for so long (like riding your bike in one direction) it is bound to take you a long time to completely change that, do it differently or "turn around". So for me it was...
1) Having patience and compassion for myself.
2) Being able to identify and lean on my strengths (and yes, they can be small / simple) so I could SLOWLY build up my self-confidence.
3) Building trust with people (which scarily meant being vulnerable with people).

I can't stress enough how important it is to remember that all of this takes time and that it's ongoing. I'm still learning to do those things. I "slip up" so much. I don't think it's just an Autism thing at all, but I think being Autistic means that we can (again) be black and white thinkers and just want things to immediately change. But as I think I've said approximately a million times (so sorry for sounding like a cliche broken record); it takes time, patience and compassion.

You've identified moments and examples of progress and growth so many times. Hold onto those. Re-read them until they're memorised if you need to 🤣

No I don’t like the grey at all @0ddsidian. It isn’t a definite its a maybe, it’s uncertain, it’s unknown and it’s unpredictable! I don’t cope well with any of that! I have a date for surgery but no time so I don’t know when I have to be there, when I get out, how much the anaesthetist is.. so many unknowns and I’m not ok with that! It’s in 3 weeks so I need to know.. 😂

My psych hates ‘I should’ I get made reframe that all the time! I usually only think of it when I’m talking to her though. I never thought of the ‘need’ term though. I will try and do better! I think that’s a good reframe!

I think I’d rather my brain be one way or the other not both. The internal fighting of them is just so much and I get nowhere!

I do try at times if I’m comfortable. I replied in the ‘meaning of life one’ as well.

Work is what keeps me going (oh and my dogs!) it motivates me to get out of bed and accomplish the day. They are big days so it’s an achievement to get through them and then face back up and go the next day. I’m glad helping others is helping you. It helps so much to see it, for me anyway. I do hope you are doing better though.

Email tone is hell! I will keep trying on reading it in a different like but yes I sabotage myself. I had a case manager that said all I do is self sabotage. It’s why I feel the way I do. That wasn’t very helpful!

Yes.. I want a clear answer and a clear direction! 😜 (Black and white at play) I do know that there isn’t such a thing!

I have only just recently realised that I have perceived rejection, like a week or 2 ago! To me rejection was rejection but I do understand that sometimes I read more into it than I should and the person isn’t actually rejecting me. It’s new so I’m not very good at it or identifying it. But at least I have recognised it.

Thanks for sharing.

Patience isn’t one of my strong points and neither is self compassion. I have had a self care day on Sunday and self care afternoon yesterday so I am trying. Slowly.

It amazes me that people actually have self confidence. That people actually believe good things about them selves and say what their strengths are. I don’t really understand how that can be or how it happens. I have literally no self confidence. I try and put a front on that I do but underneath it all there is nothing.

I have a long way to go before I can pig trust in people. Everyone in my life has burnt me. Even my bestie has many a time. Trust is something that I ‘could’ work on!

I need immediate, I don’t have patience so time to work through it all is frustrating.

Say as many times as you need to to get through to me about time and compassion. I actually do think of it sometimes and try and give myself a bit of slack but that’s hard work too!

Another weird thing I discovered today was that I have to eat all the same colour food before I move onto the next one. I made a salad for work and I had to eat the spinach, capsicum and cucumber which were green, then I ate the tomatoes and twiggy sticks that were red. I am really messed up!

The dreaded grey, @Captain24! AHHHHH 😉 Unknowns can be very anxiety-provoking for sure. In my with surgeries, you'll find out the time you need to get there about a week in advance. I reckon maybe give it a week from now to wait to see if they contact you (if they haven't already) and then maybe reach out yourself? It could be helpful to write down all your questions so that they're ready to go.

The way you phrased that about your psych; how they HATE "I should" and they "made" you reframe, makes them sound super intense and like they're kicking off every time you say "I should" 🤣

Sometimes I think that about AuDHD too. And then I remember that there are strengths to being AuDHD too. But the internal fighting can be ROUGH.

I saw that you'd replied in there! Go you! I was tagged in that thread by AuntGlow I think. Probably because I talk about that topic a fair bit.

External motivators like work and your dogs are great. I really like how you're acknowledging that getting up and completing those big days at work are achievements because they absolutely are. I can a convo with someone on my team yesterday about how sharing our stories and supporting people is actually healing for us too. Just by people hearing / reading about what we've experienced (or are currently experiencing) can help others feel less alone or less like an alien.

Keep trying! Repetition and time are pretty key here. Are these people actually saying the sentence "All you do is self-sabotage" to you? Those are some strong words... Do you self-sabotage? Probably. You've said before that "I withdraw myself before I can get rejected", which can be self-sabotage. I wouldn't say that it's ALL that you do by any means. I sometimes refer to those pessimistic parts of myself as their own "being". I'll talk about those parts in third-person like "My inner-saboteur is loud today" or "That part of 0ddsidian is really trying me today". I'm not mean to those parts, but I just separate them from the rest of me for a little while. Those parts still deserve compassion. Changing those automatic responses ✨takes time✨

Perceived rejection is just us interpretting things as rejection, which is possible for literally anyone to do. Perception is different for everyone. I could say "Watermelons are my favourite thing in the world" and someone could view that as rejection. I've had my partner say to me "I'm going to go make myself a coffee" and THAT has resulted in me feeling rejected. It's a hugely important step that you've taken by recognising that "perceived rejection" and "actual rejection" aren't always the same thing. Like you said, this is new, so you can't be expected to be absolutely phenomenal recognising the differences just yet.

All of the things I listed take time which, yes, can be HELLA FRUSTRATING. That's why I put patience at the top of my list. Patience; so I remember that things take time and growth / healing is usually pretty slow. Compassion; to remind me to be gentle with myself. None of those things were things I've always been great at. You're right in that it can be hard work. I do see the moment of self-compassion you give yourself. You are doing it. Do you deserve MORE self-compassion? For sure 😊

Cap; if that's weird then I must be absolutely INSANE haha That is SO not messed up. I kid you not, I know SO many people who do that. I don't personally do that (I eat the things I like the least first, and the things I like the most last). I have to eat something sweet "last". So if I'm eating some snacks, I need to finish on a sweet thing before I end that "snacking session" 🤣

Sorry.. I crashed really badly yesterday and don’t feel any better today. I just want to go to bed, curl up in a little ball and disappear. But alas, I have to get up and sort everything out to go to work tonight. At least I get to have a sleep this afternoon before I go. @0ddsidian So I’ll try and keep this in a more positive way than I am feeling. Sorry if I don’t, it’s really hard.

I got a text message from the hospital and they will call me 2 days before surgery and tell me what time and when to fast from. So that’s something. So just waiting on the anaesthetist now. It’s starting to ease the unknown.

There was a grey area at work yesterday, I didn’t want to go into the grey so I kept doing what I was doing, I do believe I was right though. I guess that was my black and white.

My psych is amazing! She is really doing wonders for me. I see her in a couple of days. I was going to see her in person but I’m not really sure I’m up for the drive. It’s 4 hours there and 4 hours back. So it’s a big day. I can spend Monday next week rotting if I need to before I got Tuesday. When I say stuff she says ‘do you want to reframe that’ I sigh and try to most of the time. She does help if I’m struggling with it.

Im not sure what the strengths are yet. I have trouble with that in general. I’m still at the why me stage. Why can’t I be ‘normal’. Why is it so hard… those kinda things.

I have to get up at 4:30 to get ready to go to work and don’t get home until just before 8, so it’s a massive day. This week I have done dayshift twice and now I have 3 nightshifts to face doing the same hours but from 4:30 until 8am. It’s not to bad when I’m feeling okish and it’s fine when I’m doing well but when I’m struggling it’s so hard. So it is a huge achievement and knowing that I have done it is something that I’m really proud of on the darkest of days.

Im really glad that all of you mods, in varying levels have experience. It’s not like trying to help us when you don’t understand. It’s that you can relate and suggest things that have helped you. I feel like I can share and be heard in a helpful way and the fact that you all are so open does make me feel validated. I’m really like as my psych has a trauma background and adhd herself. So she gets it, obviously she doesn’t share her story and stuff but just knowing she ‘hears’ it helps. She is the one that suggested looking into adhd because her diagnosis was only the end of last year. Also my GP has lead me to believe that he has suffered with his mental health to in the way he says ‘I get it’ it’s with a knowing tone not just a line to be said.

Im glad it’s all helpful for you guys and helps with your recovery.

I was with community health for a while and I’m Case Manager handed me over to someone else for a few months and her exact word were ‘you always self-sabotage’ It is etched into my brain, she also said a few other things that were pretty toxic too. I’m actually glad I’m not with them anymore as I realised my other case manager didn’t listen and was kinda toxic too.

Yes I self-sabotage, not in a deliberate way and not always. She made me feel like because I was struggling so much and for so long (like crisis for 18 months plus!) that it was my fault. I felt like I could say things to her as she would turn it all back on me and say I wasn’t helping myself, I probably wasn’t a lot of the time as it took everything I had to go to work and just get out of bed for the other days. But also, because I was going to work apparently I wasn’t as bad as I was saying I felt! That whole period didn’t help me in anyway it just reaffirmed to me that I was a bad person and it was all my fault. I felt a shift change when I went to hospital for the first time. That was an amazing experience and taught me a lot of things. My CM made out that it was her work that had done it!

I like the separation of those bits. It’s something I could try (notice not the ‘should!) It is something that I will constantly need to to remind myself about

OMG the coffee thing would totally make me feel rejected. You had every right to feel that. I am trying to see things in a way that others would see them and to ret and realise that it’s not actually rejection but it’s going to take a lot of time and hard work. Oh and yes I’m going to stuff it up a lot but maybe if I can stop one thing then I should… oops.. ‘could’ be proud and see it as progress.

Im guessing that I will eventually get to the stage of understanding that I need patience and can see a better life in the light. I have come a really long way. Especially in the last, probably, 3 months. 10 months out of community health has also let me grow a little. So I have long periods of extremely low periods, yes I do and they can last for a couple of months with no trigger needed.. damn bipolar. I have moments when I am good at self compassion like last night I came home from work and had a hot shower to try and feel better. I had the shower before I had dinner. Just trying to see if I could shift something. I didn’t work but at least I tried. I also do self compassion so much better in summer. I love the warmer months and the heat. I will go and just lay out in the sun. Summer just generally helps.

I don’t do the sweet thing but yes I leave my favourite for last! Lots of just random things. Like I have to use the same coloured peg on each price of clothing I hangs on the line and everything has to be in order, I can’t ‘just’ hang it! I also have to clean my house in the exact same order! The kitchen has to come before the bathroom! The dishwasher has to be started before I clean the kitchen. The carpet has to be vacuumed before I sweep! The list goes on!

Sorry for the really long ramble but I feel a tiny little bit lighter just talking and sharing. I have done all my washing and cleaned the whole house so I am proud of myself for pushing through.