AuDHD Life: Anyone else?

Makes sooooo much slide into place hey @Captain24 like 'ohhhhhh that is also the 'tism.... right!'

I hope you find some connections in this group - maybe some other folks who identify as neurodivergent haha you can go on rambles together 😉

I know it's such a mood hey 😅

Totally me! @0ddsidian @Jynx I’m still replaying daily something that happened a couple of months ago! If only I could go back and do it again better.

@Captain24 aye hun that analysis driven brain can be such a pain hey 💜

Some of these I’m the exact opposite @Jynx @0ddsidian

Change can be excruciatingly slow, @Captain24. I get frustrated with how slow it can be. I really try to reflect on the small and large changes that I've seen in myself over time. I've actually looked back at some of my old journal entries, and I can see quite clearly a lot of changes. I have no doubt you've improved since you started on the Forums!

Super interesting reflection that you put yourself down before others can. I reckon that's quite common for neurodivergent people; who have grown up in a world that has really only looked at their differences and deficits.

I can't emphasise enough how much I relate to the rejection stuff.

I like the concept of re-scripting. Sometimes just taking the sting out of something can make it tolerable.

A really helpful recovery-focused lesson that I learnt is that I'm a human at the end of the day, and no diagnosis or combo of diagnoses is ever going to fully capture who I am.

Change is slow. I’ve only been on this recovery journey for 4 years @0ddsidian. I have a really long way to go. I have changed but like you said it’s slow. Most of the time I can’t see it. I end up in crisis way too often.

I also had parents that put me down constantly. I was never good enough and I was not wanted. Mum said that she didn’t know what she did to deserve horrible kids like us. I’ve never been loved so I don’t know how to like myself let alone love myself. So it’s been a life long experience I’ve never being recognised. It’s why I don’t see myself in a positive light at all. Plus I’ve always been different. Now I know why.

Im currently grieving what could have been with the audhd. What could my life have looked like. Where I could be now. Could I have had a happier life. Maybe I could have been married with kids. Maybe I could have had more confidence. Why wasn’t anything picked up before the last 4 years. My bipolar has always been there but I’ve always been brushed off and never listened to.

The rescripting was really interesting and hard to do. I had to go into detail of the memory. I think it was the first time I cried on my psych.

I like that lesson. In reflection I really don’t think I have anything. All my therapy has been about dealing with the mess I’m currently in. I feel like I have failed getting into a recovery- focused stage. It’s mostly been about there here and now and safety planning.

I would say that I started my recovery journey about a decade ago, @Captain24 and some days I absolutely forget where I started.

My childhood was definitely not the same as yours, but there's some common themes. It's not okay that your Mum said those things to you. The things she said sound more like a reflection of her than of you. Self-love feels like A LOT. I am currently aiming for self-acceptance.

I've also grieved (and sometimes still do) a version of myself that didn't eventuate. My Mum has mentioned feeling guilty for not recognising these parts of me sooner, and how my childhood has impacted me today. Sometimes she makes it too much about her. It's important to remember that doctors / parents only really saw Autism and ADHD like how it often presents in little hyperactive boys until very recently. AND unless the child was disruptive, naughty or were impacting the people around them they often got overlooked. You're in good company with your experiences, for sure!

Can you explain rescripting a bit more for me?

I want to point out this little section for you, because it REALLY leans into the recovery-focused stuff.

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@Captain24 wrote:

Change is slow. I’ve only been on this recovery journey for 4 years @0ddsidian. I have a really long way to go. I have changed but like you said it’s slow.

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You mentioned that things have been really difficult, but you also acknowledged some room for growth and hope. You acknowledged that change is possible because you said you HAVE changed. Some days you might not remember that, but we've got a record of it now 😉 My mental health is never consistent. I was very spirally and ruminate-y yesterday; got emotionally and physically stuck in a bit of shame and rejection space. But I got out of it and I'm better today. Would I have been able to do that 10 years ago? Unlikely. But I'm today's 0ddsidian; not 10 years ago 0ddsidian.

Maybe we can work on pointing out some examples of where you are / have been recovery-focused, and then celebrate those!

A decade doesn’t sound very long but I guess at the same time it feels like an eternity to you. @0ddsidian

I definitely don’t think self love will ever happen. Not sure I can ever like myself and self acceptance is a long way away. I currently have zero self esteem.

Even though your mum makes it all about herself, at least she acknowledges it. My mum just asks. Why is this all happening now? What have you done? Why are you crazy now? Oh how I would love to tell her where my mental health has stemmed from but I can’t. I’m too scared of her.

When we were kids the doctors diagnosed us as being overactive kids not hyperactive as we weren’t naughty kids. So I guess the signs were there but 40 + years ago it wasn’t a thing.

While I’m not glad that you have grieved, I feel less alone. It’s really strong at the moment.

So with rescripting. I had to focus on staring at something. Then she asked me to talk about a memory and I could see that memory really vividly. I had to talk her through it. We got to the part where mum told us she was going to send as away and she would never have to see us again or see each other again. The my psych put herself in my memory and said to mum that little captain does not need to be spoken to like that. She grabs my hand and walks me out the back gate. We walk around to my grandparents place and she takes me inside. My psych explains to my nan and pop as to what just happened and then Nan and pop sandwich hug me. My psych then asks if I feel safe and if it’s ok that she leaves. So I just stay curled up in nan and pops arms. I hope that makes sense!

I have to see growth or hope or I won’t actually live. It will be all over. The only reason is that I have my dogs. If I didn’t have them I would never have lived long enough for the new diagnosis.

You sound like my psych and holding my words against me! 😂 It is stuff that I need pointed out though as I just don’t see it myself. I just have blinkers on and can’t see in front of me. Help would be great though.

It amazes me how you can feel so bad one day and then work through it and be fine the next day. I’m stuck in it for ages and can’t let it go. I guess maybe that will come with time. When we can start working on the way forward and not focusing on the here and now.

It's funny how time can feel so long and so short at the same time @Captain24

I see self-acceptance in a similar way to "recovery", in that it is ongoing and I have to keep working at it 😊

I am very lucky to have the parents that I have. They definitely have some issues and those issues definitely contributed to my mental health challenges, but I'm fortunate that they do recognise my differences. It took time though. And I think they probably respect my opinion because I work in the mental health space. It shouldn't be that way though.

Again; the way your Mum sounds like she's questioning you sounds like (to me) that she's getting defensive. And that's a reflection of her, not you. I've seen a lot of parents respond in the way your Mum does, and often it's because on a some (very deep, hard to reach level) they feel guilty for the role they played in their child's mental health challenges. It's hard to take responsibility for contributing to someone's pain.

40 years ago they were using different terms and assessments and stuff too.

Sitting in solidarity with you, darl. It gets better.

That rescripting stuff sounds so powerful! Even just thinking about that process makes me tear up. You explained that perfectly! I can really understand what that processes would look like. (Oh wow look! A strength that you just showed was that you explained that so well 😉)

Gotta hold people accountable, Cap. Even if it's holding people accountable for their loveliness haha

Yeah, maybe you do sometimes have blinkers on and get caught in focusing on the negatives. We've all been there. Seems like the blinkers are slowly getting further apart though!

Quotes from your last post that demonstrate strengths, hope or recovery-focused language:
- "While I’m not glad that you have grieved, I feel less alone. It’s really strong at the moment"
- "I have to see growth or hope or I won’t actually live."
- "I just have blinkers on and can’t see in front of me. Help would be great though."
- "I guess maybe that will come with time. When we can start working on the way forward and not focusing on the here and now."
- Explaining rescripting

Sometimes it's helpful to compile a list of evidence that goes against our negative thoughts.

Maybe one day I’ll get there with self acceptance @0ddsidian. I’ve only just recently not cared who knows what I have. At work last night I said ‘that was an adhd moment’ I shared a post on Facebook about bipolar. I did that because my auntie was just in a mental health hospital and diagnosed with bipolar. It focused on how you can live a fairly normal life.

Mum is starting to get a little more accepting of my illnesses. She told a couple of family members about what I have when talking to them about my auntie. There was lots of family contact as she had a psychotic breakdown and was scheduled. She still isn’t great with it though. It’s a pretty taboo subject.

You are lucky it would be nice to have supportive parents. Maybe mum will come around one day. She is showing some signs though but she has never been supportive of anything. I have to tell myself all the time that that is the way she is. But what I have isn’t as bad as what she has to go through apparently. She is always worse off. She will never accept responsibility as she is never wrong. It’s so hard to live with and I’m about to spend a whole week with them staying in the same house, going everywhere together except for my afternoon beach time which I’m allowed about an hour.

I hope it gets better. Seeing you guys on here helps so much. It’s really powerful to see what you have all overcome to be able to work in the recovery space. That maybe there is hope for everyone.

I explained it so well as I have to replay it in my head all the time. It’s not a one and done thing. You need to keep working at it. The first week she did it I just cried. Bring up the memory was hard but to have the care and compassion at the end. Also that my psych cared enough to do it. Having that compassion at the end has taken so much sting out of it, obviously the hurt is still there but it’s not as bad.

I guess you could say they are slowly getting apart. Some days they are and others they aren’t. But I guess at least I get some days. Not everyday in my life is bad anymore, I do get good days and there is moments when I have a few good days in a row. I guess that is progress!!! I picked up in that one!!!! The bad days are really bad though.

Seeing it is nice. I can’t see it for myself but having it pointed out does help. It helps me see that I’m not all bad and that I’m not failing all the time. There has been a couple of steps forward. Just need to hold onto them.