How to challenge your negative thoughts

Hey @BlueBay,

Just checking in - how are things feeling today? 🫶

hi @AuntGlow

just resting today and a quiet day

i really don't want to go to work tomorrow. i start at 10am but have a drs appt at 8am

i just can't be bothered, don't really feel like i want to socialise with others (staff and customers)

would really love to stay in bed and rest

i don't know

i am feeling angry

i hate myself for my negative behaviour and i thought i had a good dr but this morning he told me that i need to start fixing things myself. and that i shouldn't see my psych fortnightly as that is not helping me.

i started to cry and then got very angry. i was so upset that after i left i emailed my psych to say 'if you don't want to see me anymore because i have seen you quite a bit over the past month, then pls cancel tomorrows appt'. i told her that i am bothering her all the time and that i am very sorry. i also told her that i am sorry for not being able to do things for myself but reality is that no one understands me'.

my psych has just replied saying she is happy to see me tomorrow as she understands i am distressed lately and for me to stop apologising.

but in reality i think she is just saying that becase i am a pain; i am terrible and find it extremely hard to stay to myself 'lets do something positive' or 'stop thinking or being negative'

i told my dr that i often think of my dad and that i can't see him. he then says 'i know you miss him but look at what you have with hubby , kids and little A'. yes i get that but he has no idea how hard it is to not see someone that you so love. especially worse at xmas, birthday, fathers day.

i also told my dr that lately i have been very panicky and anxious about 'getting sick, collapsing at a shopping centre'. he gave me no answer as to what to do.

and every monday for the past month i have NOT wanted to go to work. i only work on a monday 10-3pm. i did end up going this morning to work and it was okay, i was busy and the day went quick.

i don't know whaat i want

i don't know how i am anymore

all i see is this person who keeps getting told off because i am not helping myself and for that - i hate myself.

@Jynx @tyme @AuntGlow @Shaz51 @rav3n and others reading along -

Hello lovely,

I totally hear you on the feeling angry front... it can be so incredibly challenging to manage big feelings. And sometimes our behaviours are simply a mirror for how much support we are needing to feel truly heard, understood, and safe. @BlueBay

I am really glad your psychologist showed how much she wants to support you, she sounds very encouraging. And whilst your GP is right in suggesting that we need to do the work for ourselves to feel better, you are absolutely valid in your feelings and need to continue seeing your therapist - this is so important!

It isn't uncommon for GP's to find mental health support challenging, as general medical care is their main focus. Even so, it would be really hard feeling like he isn't quite getting you or able to hear you out... 😔

I know things are really, really vulnerable right now and that you don't know what you want, and that's okay.

I am thinking... this last sentence, "all i see is this person who keeps getting told off because i am not helping myself and for that - i hate myself", are you able to explore this in your next therapy session? I think it would be a really powerful and helpful place to start. 💛

hi @AuntGlow

I had a session with my psychiatrist today. It was an interesting session. My psych told me that the email i sent to her telling her if she doesn't want to see me anymore to cancel appt. was not from me as an adult. she could tell that it was from me 'as a child'.

i told her that's interesting because a lot of the times i dont feel like a 60 yr old person. i mentioned that when i am with her and at the drs and psychologist i feel i am a child. when i am at work i feel like i am an adult but not a very confident one. when i am with my 8 yr old granddaughter i am full of joy, love and my time with her is full.

my psych asked a few questions and then gave me a questionnaire on DID to fill out. i do dissociate often and she knows that. we will talk about the questionnaire next week when i see her. some of what she was saying made sense; now i can see why i am the way i am. different personalities. but it's tiring.

she has also said that it would be really good to start doing EMDR relating to my parents; my self confidence and the little me.

she reassured me that i am not a bother to her and i can email her. she is also happy to continue seeing me weekly until my psychologist comes back in a week or so. she knows i am in distress and she wants to be here for me.

hi @Jynx @Shaz51 @tyme @rav3n

hiya @BlueBay! sounds like your psych really gets you, i'm really glad you were able to have that conversation with her. how do you feel about the DID questionnaire and starting EMDR?

good to know that you and your psych are on the same page!! hope you're day's going well 😊

Hi @rav3n

To be honest I’m scared. I feel even more crazy than I already am.
I googled DID and did an online questionnaire which resulted in a score of 45% which was very high.

whet does this mean for me??

I am doing EMDR with my psychologist regarding my childhood trauma.

it's absolutely understandable that you feel scared, especially when it's a diagnosis you're just starting to learn about. hopefully as you keep chatting to your psych about it, you'll get more answers and feel a lil less overwhelmed. change is scary, but you're not alone, we're all here for you 💙

working on childhood trauma sounds like hard, but important work - good on you for taking that step in your recovery journey. i hope the EMDR sessions go smoothly for you! @BlueBay

Hey @BlueBay ,

I'm catching up on posts and I read what your psych said about not cancelling the appointment.

I hear their perspective about the inner child.

In a way, for me, with my BPD, I felt my emotional child was running my life. Although my body was in my 20s, 30s, 40s, my way of managing the world through trauma was at the stage/age of a child.

It took a lot for me to work through that.

How are you going today?

Are you still working? The last time we spoke about work, you had an incident happen.

hi @tyme

for the past month i have noticed that i don't want to go to work. when monday comes around i dread going to work. but i have pushed myself, got dressed and gone. and once there i am different. i am a completely different person. i enjoy talking to the local customers and seeing them again. i told my psychiatrist that she wouldn't believe how different i am at work.

the minute i am home again i am back to a different me. i was quite anxious and stressed this morning because i did an online test for DID and got quite a high score. i then emailed my psych in distress because now i feel that i am even more crazy.

can i ask you? - was the work you did reg. your inner child - was it hard to get through it?