Tillogram

I have to go in a moment, so I will respond to everything properly tomorrow, but I wanted to get this out first!! I am sensing that based on everything you have shared, getting a pup might help to re-create that sense of purpose and unconditional love in your world, which in turn, might help you to feel an overall sense of groundedness so you can show up to all of your activities feeling more like you. I hope this makes sense! I know that you have some very valid reasons as to why getting a fur baby might not be feasible right now... but let it sit with you! @Till23 💛

Hi @AlwaysMyself, thanks for your comments. Yes, I definitely consider it to be grief. Also it is regret. And I definitely feel parts of me are missing.

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Thanks @AuntGlow I hope you have a good break from forums, even if it's just hours.

I agree a dog would definitely be helpful and give me a direct everyday purpose. It's just not feasible currently. It would not be good for the dog. Having a dog does constrain travel and if I had a trustworthy person who could mind my dog it would be do-able, but I may not need the dog as much then!

Good afternoon, @Till23! 💖

Gah - the forums have been so temperamental!!

Oh, 100%. I think it all comes back to 'our brains are wired for safety' - so whatever it perceives as keeping us safe, it will do.

I have a question that just popped into my mind (and you don't have to answer it right now), but, what is the one thing you consistently avoid doing?

I know, this can be a bit of an 'ugh' question to answer. haha

I know the answer to my own, and it really highlights where I am denying myself freedom in order to stay safe (there are a lot of layers there actually, which is the beauty of this exercise) - it also shows me what my heart really desires underneath my fear.

I would love to hear what you have to share, when you're ready.

Christmas time can be sooo hard with social obligations to connect and give more than we have, I totally hear you.

Have you ever volunteered during Christmas?

@Till23 no worries at all - do take your time, i know those forbidden errors can be frustrating! there's no rush at all 😊

one of the things i struggled most with (and still sometimes need support with) is the 'not caring what others think' part. like you mentioned, logically we know that people aren't thinking about us as much as we think, they're probably caught up worrying about themselves... but there are times where things they say stick around. my psych once asked me, if they do judge you, what's the worst that their words could do? what does it say about the person saying those things? what does it say about you? i really sat with that for a while. at the end of the day, we get to choose whether those words mean something to us or not. if someone isn't kind or gentle with us, that's a reflection of them more than us, right? often times, no one knows us better than we know ourselves... so why would we let someone who doesn't know us dictate how we act/feel? just some things to reflect on (this sort of reflection stuff was helpful for me but if it's not helpful for you, pls let me know!)

as for the connection aspect - it does sound like your dogs meant so much to you. whether it's connecting with pets, other forms of nature, human beings, etc., that connection is so vital. it's absolutely fair to crave it. did you feel that connection with your teammates when you did your sporting comps? would you be open to joining f2f social groups?

i also wanted to acknowledge that having cancer and going through treatment, etc., is no small thing. i get the sense that you feel like what you've gone through is 'less' compared to others, and i too have made similar comparisons with my own life. but i do feel minimising it doesn't erase the difficult time, and often makes us feel even more guilt. please know that your experiences and feelings around it are valid, no matter how big or small. it's okay to feel a lot, i know i do. it doesn't make us weak 💗

Good afternoon @AuntGlow I hope you are well

Yes I had a lot of trouble with being 403 Forbidden yesterday. It was very frequent, I have never experienced it that bad before.

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Hi @rav3n and thanks for your response. I hope you are well and not too busy here on the forums, although I am sure there is a different reality!

Yes, I agree I probably worry too much about what others think.

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Thanks for discussing other perspectives though it is helpful

Thank you for your responses @AuntGlow and @rav3n. .

Hey @Till23 I'm heading offline for the night but just read your post, and this line jumped out at me.

"I think probably if you think your are at the end of life, but you are still physically healthy enough it could give you a kind of freedom. A freedom to do things without having to worry about the consequences. Nothing ridiculous or illegal of course."

That is exactly where I am at, and why I am taking a year off. I need something to change or I am terminal, so to speak. So logically there is no loss to me taking a year off work! If I find improvement -- then hurray it worked! And if not, what do I need to work for? I can't take the money with me into the grave!

(Of course it also buys me a year to change my mind on what happens if I don't improve 😉)

It's OK to do something positive-drastic when normal isn't working.

I hope you have a good night @AlwaysMyself and enjoy your first day of not working.

Yes, people say sometimes you have to get right to the bottom to be able to find a way back and even past that to be in a good space.

I am sorry you feel the way you describe, especially since you are so young. Although you probably don’t think you so, but you have time to turn things around, also there are newer treatments all the time.
I definitely hope you are able to turn around your anhedonia in your time off work. I’m also glad you don’t have some of the depression symptoms, and that may help your plan for this year.