Tillogram

Thank you, lovely @Till23

I really want to sit with what you have shared - without changing it, without being overly optimistic, just here, letting you know I understand what this feels like and that it's really, really hard.

How would you like to approach these feelings right now? 💛

Thanks @AuntGlow I know you are busy..

Just so you know you don't need to respond, because I am going to sign off because I have to do breakfast volunteering tomorrow. It will be difficult to go and last week I don't think I was as good as being upbeat as I should have been, and I felt bad about that.

Thank you for persisting in your efforts to be of assistance..

.

I really don't know AuntGlow. I also think I should know by now.

I am always here for you, silly! Sometimes I am just a bit delayed when there's lots going on in the background. @Till23 🫶

I hope volunteering is some welcome reprieve for you. I am wondering if you could set an intention to both meet yourself where you're at and allow yourself to find pockets of 'okay'. Not perfect, not elation, just 'this feels okay'.

I am curious to hear what comes up for you. ☺️

Ah, so if you forgive yourself, it can feel like not being nice - I actually really understand that. Sometimes self-compassion feels 'irresponsible' in my mind, because "if I am not hypervigilant to my fallibility, then I am bound to get something wrong - and if I get something wrong, then I don't deserve to be happy or take up space". Does your mind do something like that?

If so, let me tell you, those thoughts and beliefs don't belong to you. And maybe your younger parts believe them and maybe society has led us to believe that perfection = safety, but know that the humans who truly resonate with you, will love you no matter what. And I know it can feel unsafe to let those connections in when we have experienced trauma or situations that re-validate our core beliefs, but I truly believe that people don't see you the same way you see you.

We think you're really wonderful, truly.

Oh I knew you would respond @AuntGlow just there was no rush as I logged off, logging off again now.

Oh I didn't write that very well, so I can see how you thought I was saying something different. What I was trying to say is that I can forgive some of my mistakes.

.

But I also agree with your statement about being hypervigilant to fallability.

.

I am never relaxed and just being me, because I think there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I do actually have some quite textbook cPTSD symptoms.

Yes I agree that people probably see me differently to how I think I'm perceived.

Ah, I see!! Well - now you know a little bit more about my brain hehe I am glad that resonated with you. @Till23

I think that it makes sense to be guarded and maybe not as open as you would like when you're around people... it would be so hard to feel like you can trust other humans with C-PTSD at play, because it's really, well, complex. I understand that sense of hypervigilance around others too, and my gosh, that must be so exhausting for you to experience.

Where do you notice trust is most accessible in yourself and with others? 💛

hey @Till23 oooft i feel you about wanting to feel comfortable in society. i'm guessing this means you want to be your authentic self? be who you are unapologetically and not feel judged for it? (feel free to correct me if i'm wrong)

what does a 'full life' look like to you? i ask this cos i too feel like i'm not living a full life but i'm a bit stumped on what that means to me... i'm going to try look into it more and make a bucket list.

trauma can really change the way we experience the world. i feel like i lived my childhood and parts of my adulthood in grey-coloured glasses (in the sense that everything felt a bit bleak). you've gone through a lot, but i truly believe you can have a full life still. i believe things can change, and that our minds are more powerful and capable than we think. one of the things i started working on this year was talking to myself the way i would talk to a friend. our internal monologue/thoughts have such a huge impact on our core beliefs and there's been so many times i've been harsh over little things. yet if my friend had done it, i would've been so gentle. is challenging your self-talk something you'd be open to working on?

Hi @AuntGlow I hope you had a good day. Thanks very much for your response.

Sorry, I am having a lot of trouble with the "Forbidden" issue and keep getting knocked off the forums

.

.

.

I'll let you get back to rest of forums

Sorry @rav3n, I am having a lot of trouble with the "Forbidden" issue and keep getting knocked off the forums every second time I click something including your response! For which I thank you.

.

Hey @Till23 , reading along and just wondering whether this resonates or not (totally OK if not - that's why I'm asking).

It sounds a little like you are perhaps feeling a 'grief' (or regret?) for the (perceived) lost opportunities for social connection throughout your life, and how you perceive that has led to your current social disconnection. "Grief" is the word I use to identify my feeling off loss of joy/happiness in childhood as a result of trauma -- to me sometimes it really feels like a part of me is missing. I wonder whether or not that fits at all for you?

Either way, I think being able to identify your feeling of discontent with disconnection is the important step towards being able to change that trajectory -- which I know you already know, but just reminding as general encouragement that you are working towards helping yourself even if you don't immediately see/feel progress.

I can totally understand how being around family 24/7 for days on end is overhelming. I struggle with that too. I always use my bedroom as a way to withdraw into a quiet private place when I need space. I wonder whether "oh, I need to go to the supermarket" could also be an escape route from the house to have some alone-time without them feeling hurt by saying you need time-out?

Actually when I reflect on it @AuntGlow @rav3n a thing I am pretty happy with myself about in recent times, is the way I looked after my dogs.