Tillogram

Hi @AuntGlow how are you? Yes I'm definitely always trying to move. I have more ability to do that now that I have retired and my fitness tracker watch reminds me to do [a certain number of] steps every hour (I know I can't say more than that) so I am moving frequently in the day, not just a big episode of exercise. At work you can't always move frequently depending on your job. [edited by moderator]

In the last year shift has definitely been in recognition that I have negative core beliefs and that they may not be correct. Previously I thought they were just facts. I have done a lot of self-education in last few years. About 3 years ago I would not have told anyone I had been subject to abuse. My current GP did not know for example. Now I can be more open about it and that has to do with changing my thoughts that it was not all my fault.

The last 48hrs have been quite difficult for me. I do not know particularly why. I feel like I'm lacking in confidence at the moment, even though I've done quite a lot of things lately and have managed them - trips, meeting lots of people including a lot of new people. There is negative chatter in my head. I also think it might be because I am looking ahead in a bit of detail. I'm swinging from pretty bad anxiety to pretty depressed. I am trying to think of options to manage this

I'm sure there must be some kind of algorithm for this on the site, because there seems to be just a targeting of numbers without noting the context.. So, thanks to the moderator who edited out the number of steps (a completely reasonable amount and way less than the quoted number of steps to aim for per day) in my last post, but didn't think it was necessary to address the actual post. As you can see, this is a popular thread - no posts for 3 days. What to do @AuntGlow @tyme

I think I try to help myself - lots of getting out of the house. Have left house for at least 3 hrs every day last few weeks (Like every single day). Social exercise, meeting new people, trying new things (barefoot bowling, new walking group, another one I've joined (hopefully going on walk this coming week) but feeling pretty depressed at the moment interspersed with anxiety and feeling of not knowing what to do. Trying to stave off the thought of just giving up.

Good evening @Till23 🫶

I am still catching up on my notifications after a couple of days off, hence my delay.

I can see that today is feeling quite vulnerable for you, and I just really want to validate how understandable that feeling is. You ARE doing so much to support your wellbeing, and I am sure it is helping you. Though, I can definitely hear that there's a part of you who's feeling disconnected or that there's a core need that's not being met... I know that shifting out of work is really big for you, so it makes sense that there may some discomfort/overwhelm that's present. This isn't a small change at all.

That feeling of wanting to give up can be so all-consuming... I hear you. I wonder what would allow you to connect with a sense of hope right now?

I know you mentioned that throughout this last year, you've been able to acknowledge that your core beliefs may not be correct. So, I am also curious to know if we can tap into this space of gentle self-challenge tonight? 💛

Hi @AuntGlow and thanks for your response. I know you will have lots of notifications to follow-up..

I don't know how the moderation works but to edit out some things in my post (understand there is a protocol) but not to address the actual post feels a bit dismissive, like it's important to look after these "potential" people but not the actual person posting. Which has gone toward my "giving up" feeling.

I haven't posted much in other threads just a quick comment here and there but again feel a lack of connection.

I suppose the main thing I need to perhaps believe is that it's ok to just be without having to do. I don't know if I can get to actually liking myself.

Sorry I'm probably just raving. Yes I feel a bit of disconnection or dissociation. It seems like I don't understand life.

I always appreciate your understanding. @Till23 💛

We definitely understand that it can feel dismissive to have your post moderated without any further response. I can imagine you were really needing some support in that moment. Because this is a peer-to-peer space, we often give a bit of space before stepping in, to give the wider community a chance to respond first. However, the moderation process is something we need to action in the moment. But it doesn't mean we aren't keeping an eye out or checking in later to see how members are coping. You are always, always welcome to message in other threads. For example, I saw you started the meaning thread and was so happy to see you exploring connection over there! It always takes so much courage to open up a new conversation. Aside from this, I am curious to know, what would feeling more connected on the forums look like for you right now?

Your feelings are so understandable, Till. You have processed a lot this year... how can you nurture this part of yourself tonight?

Also, I think the idea of allowing yourself to be and not solely do could be so healing. I actually think it could be a conduit to more self-love, because you'd be learning to accept yourself as you are - which has been and always will be more than enough. 💛

Thanks @AuntGlow

I have posted a bit in other threads tonight and on other days. I started the thread about Meaning as you say..

Thanks for your responses tonight though. I know I take up too much PSW time (as you say it’s a peer platform), so will log off.

Thanks also @tyme @Jynx for your time over the approx 8 months I’ve been here, there have been other PSWs like @rav3n, riverseal and ru-bee and probably others I can’t think of right now, but anyhow they don’t need another tag to attend to.

Thanks for the other members who have been supportive, some have been really great. Some people really gave up their time to post lovely things and I am very grateful particularly @AlwaysMyself and @Shaz51. Some have being chatting with me for a while. I’ll probably regret posting this. I am grateful for the support I’ve received, but I think I will take an open-ended break because maybe I rely on the forums too much - I'm not sure and I need to find out.

Thanks for all the fish

Morning @Till23 😍

how is your day going so far

we went and mowed S1 lawn this morning

home now having a cuppa

11am we got back home and tested my blood sugar before having late morning tea and it read 4.9

going to put a load of washing on

hubby has itchy feet and wanting to drive somewhere

Hi @Shaz51

Sounds like you've been busy

BSL is very good

I've been at GP and then having imaging of my injuries

How did you Gp appointment go @Till23

My Osteoporosis ( bones ) are deteriorating

Update blood tests this month

@AuntGlow

hey @Till23 @Shaz51 i am heading off soon but i wanted to pop in and say hi 😊

@Till23 just read your post above and i absolutely hear where you're coming from. also, small talk isn't my strong suit, so you're definitely not alone. i'm not sure what this other post you're referring to is, but i'd be happy to check it out tomorrow you could link it?