Tillogram

How was today @Till23 ? The session?

Hi @tyme sorry I only just logged on and I know you are just about to log off.

I briefly saw somewhere you have a migraine - I hope you are able to shift that ASAP.

I have also seen some scuttlebutt about changes to the forums, which sound interesting.

I actually went to two webinars overnight. The first one was about trauma and more specifically BPD. However neither presenter and the overall webinar host presenter thinks BPD is the correct diagnosis for the cluster of symptoms.

Sometimes in europe people call it Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

However, all of presenters thought it's actually a trauma response and not a personality disorder, although there is some evidence there could be a herditary component.

It was interesting and the presenters used a therapy based on attachment theory with some success.

In my humble opinion it wasn't one of the better webinars from the trauma service and I would have liked more on attachment based interactions, however I will wait for slides and recording, because it was early in the morning. There are two more lectures in the current series, both of them will have Australian presenters, despite the seminars being run out of UK.

I went to sleep for a couple of hours.

Then attended another webinar this one on abandonment and that one I found interesting and I felt a bit down after that one.

I went back to sleep again and got up late and I had a bit of difficulty motivating myself because I made some realisations in the seminars and I don't currently have any therapist to discuss those with.

It brought up some things about my own experiences and coping mechanisms. I realise I have got myself stuck in "trauma time", and that untreated trauma responses get worse over time, due to stress of carrying the load. I have tried to do and have achieved some things recently regarding my past and subsequent MH issues, mainly I suppose because I can no longer mask them as well.

Anyhow I was able to get myself motivated because I had to do some things for my club and I was able to get those done, so I felt a bit better because I had achieved something.

Then this evening I had a pre-arranged phone call from a former colleague and friend from NZ. That was a good phone call and I felt a bit better about pressing on with things in life.

I feel I have to let go or at least downgrade some of my expectations.

My friend invited me to NZ next year, so we will look into that. Being NZ it should not be too expensive to get there and travel a bit due to exchange rate, so will think about it.

I have another webinar late tonight from the second group which is about PTSD so hopefully that will be interesting.

Hope to chat to you more maybe on sat, although I also read somewhere you are not rostered on here as much these days. I like these chats we have about MH scenarios taht are not directly about the here and now

Hello @Till23,

How are you feeling tonight?

It's sooo okay. If you ever see a tag from me, it's always invitational - you're never expected to engage. 💛

Oh wow... that sounds incredibly vulnerable for you Till. I am here to listen if you'd like to talk about it more at all?

You're allowed to be deflated right now. I am sorry you missed sports practise, I know how much that helps to ground you.

It's absolutely reasonable to take time for you. I know slow isn't your go-to, but maybe ever so slightly slowing down to meet yourself where you're at will be helpful?

What might that look like this week?

Hi @AuntGlow how are you this evening. Which is a bit lighter and warmer where I am as Daylight Saving started this morning in NSW (and some other states of course).

I don't mind specific tags AuntGlow that relate to me. The more general ones I find a bit difficult because I feel I have to read back in the thread a bit and I may not be so interested in the topic.

Unfortunately I still have my "cold" (not COVID - I have tested a few times), because of my inflammatory/immune disease it's a bit worse for me and I'm very tired (which is annoying for me).

I went to sport training this morning and I have "paid" for it, on the other hand I have a major comp in a couple of weeks - national level, so I need to train.

Yes, I definitely need to grieve the loss of my professional self. It was a major part of my life. I used work and study as a coping mechanism, so it's a pretty major change. I have found retirement difficult but I am perhaps settling into it a bit more (although it's up and down).

There is a community thing for breast cancer next weekend (because October is breast cancer month) and I am involved in a lot of the planning and organisation for that, so I will be a bit busy with that.

I won't train tomorrow, just to recover from today, but will on Friday and next weekend.

Then I will do my volunteer shift.

I am doing a long walk for a charity [edited by moderator], so hopefully will get a walk or two in this week.

So less than I usually do, but I need to try and recover from 'cold" ASAP. I am using these things coming up in next few weeks as distraction.

I woke up early this morning and for the first time in a while I was not in a panic and I felt fairly calm and I was curious about it and I felt pretty ok with it.

Sorry, long post.

Hope you've had a good weekend. It's a long weekend here.

Hi @AuntGlow hope you are well.

it's been a bit overcast here today and now quite windy.

I went to a planning meeting for the cancer event next weekend at our sports club.

It was good to get out and talk to some people in person, which we did after doing some things at the club, we went for a coffee.

I felt ok for a few hours and did the things that were on my list (at least the things I can do this far out). However, as happens very often in the evenings I start to feel as though I haven't done enough in my day. I am trying to stay positive but I often feel I have not utilised my time well, or really that I am too lazy.

Tomorrow morning I will be up early to go to volunteering.

I don't know what I can do in the evenings to alleviate these feelings

Helloooo @Till23!

I am sorry you still have your cold and that you're feeling tired... I can't imagine how frustrating that would feel for you. 😣

I get that; needing to train but not having the energy. Please try and rest this week, I want you to feel strong for your comps! 🥺

Gosh, of course. It would be a huge shift... and it would feel scary to have your coping strategy change so significantly too. I genuinely feel you will be able to live a meaningful and full life, it just might look a little different. I encourage you to journal to your professional self, get to know her even more, and look at what she needs to feel fulfilled and safe. 🫶

Your involvement with charity sounds incredible - I am always so impressed by how much time and energy you give to your community.

It must have been nice to connect in that space today. ☺️

Hmm, I wonder if we can challenge this voice that says you are lazy, just a bit?

It's understandable that nights would feel the most vulnerable in this regard (I always get more anxious in the evenings).

What's something you'd like to explore, but haven't done so yet?

Hi @AuntGlow and thanks for your response, I know that you are busy.

I feel I have good understanding of my professional side and retiring from this career type is well known to have problems associated with it. It's kind of the same with elite athletes - ther's a huge gap in regular adrenaline surges.

However, I have had several professions (and sub-professions) they have all been partly as a result of trying to find purpose and worthiness and feel Good Enough. So I feel I am aware of the situation.

I feel as though I could give more back. I am satisfied that I have this LE role with health district for adult survivors of CSA, I wish I could do more though.

I know when people read what I do, it seems like I do a lot, but I think other people in general do more and then there is that group that does heaps more. I also have no children to take care of/worry about. (I do miss the dogs in the regard of having someone to look after).

I know comparison is the thief of joy, but I find it difficult not to compare.

I would like to try some more kind of contemplative nature type things. I am not religious but feel I have a kind of spirituality related to nature. I know I can find some stillness in nature, but I find it difficult to keep it going.

I appreciate your understanding @Till23💛

Ah, that makes a lot of sense... not having those familiar and regular adrenaline bursts can make things feel quite flat, for lack of a better word?

What are some positives about you shifting out of this kind of career?

I am sure you know yourself extremely well, so I trust that you will find what feels good for you. Hey, maybe that's a theme we could explore?

When I say, 'what if you didn't have to do more?', what comes up for you?

It might be nice to have a little fur baby again. Is this something you'd consider? 🥰

You seem to flourish in intentional group situations. Perhaps there is a nature-focused group you could explore? 🤩

I know you’ve logged out for the night @AuntGlow, but I feel I will answer now while I’m in that thinking zone.

The number one positive would actually be the large decrease in stress. Even though that sounds counterintuitive to the lack of adrenaline I spoke about before.
There is also a lot of moral injury in healthcare jobs because the system is not good at all, there will never be enough money. There is wastage in the system and sometimes little or no evidence for things that powers that be ask of workers.

A current example of that, right here is, what evidence is there that putting the number of kms you walk causes harm to anyone? Yet it will be edited out by mods, due to protocol, which may cause distress to person posting and which mods have to do possibly without understanding why or not necessarily agreeing with it. Hence moral injury to mods - it’s a trivial example but still an example.

I think there are good arguments that I don’t truly know myself well entirely, although there might be some areas that I do. Hence I went to therapy to learn more.

I know, I do sometimes think about what if I’m already doing enough, but there seems to be so much to do and if I have time, I think I should try and do something to help. There is so much inequity in the world, either between humans or between humans and nature, it seems you should help to move the world towards equity.

Yes, I will almost certainly get another dog, but at the moment I have travel with sport and it’s hard to arrange the care for them at the level I would like, plus the separation for me is understandable since I know the timeframe and reason, but they do not.

Yes, I would like to do that and I am trying to explore options, I will probably cut back on sport comps next year, so that I can do more nature oriented things.

I hope you have a good evening and if you have some days off, they are pleasant.

Good evening @Till23,

Thank you for your reply. ✨

YES, less stress will be such a break for your nervous system, but of course, challenging in its own right. We can absolutely acknowledge the light and the dark here.

The same goes for healthcare work, I really do hear you on this one. It's tough.

And I understand your example regarding moderation, thank you for sharing.

I am curious to know what your most valuable lesson in therapy has been so far?

Maybe helping in this way is something you can really work towards and cultivate now you have retired from your career? You are evidently deeply passionate about supporting others and being equitable, and I think it's absolutely worth following.

I get that, perhaps in time you will find your furry companion - when everything aligns?

If you're going to shift your focus from sport to nature, a pup would actually fit in quite well.

I know things feel overwhelming and confusing right now, but I can see you actually have a lot of clarity around what you want.

Maybe it's now about allowing yourself to grieve what you had and honouring the inordinate amount of time, effort, and love you put into your work and life thus far. And you should be proud. You're a wonderful human @Till23 (even if you don't always think so). 💛