Tillogram

I am back from being away.

Not sure what I’ll do here in this space though.

Being in an existential crisis (or kind of a slow realisation) means I feel anything is pretty pointless.

This feeling became more prominent while I was away.

.

Anyhow, that’s some people’s experience of “life” I suppose. Do you go on playing the game of life or do you forfeit.

---

@Till23 wrote:

Being in an existential crisis (or kind of a slow realisation) means I feel anything is pretty pointless.

---

Oh @Till23 I hear you - I feel this exactly too. You are not the only person who has these thoughts and feelings and self-questioning. I said basically the same thing to my counsellor yesterday - everything comes back to " and life has no meaning / does not matter". Which is fine for people who enjoy life and want to live - but for folks who do not feel the positives outweigh the benefits - where does that leave us?

I don't feel I can "manufacture" purpose; because I will always know it is not innate for me and thus does not feel authentic.

Do you feel it is too late for you to leave a legacy to the world?

I feel you will leave a legacy to the people around you, though, even if you don't realise it. Just from the things I hear you speak about - both your past work in a helping-profession as well as your current sports. I bet there are people who tell stories about the impact you have made for them, you just may not be aware of it. 😉

Yes it’s interesting @AlwaysMyself because I would say in the past that I have had some use. I don’t think it was big in any way, but I know I have helped some people at times.

I feel you definitely have purpose, just look at all the interactions you have just on these forums, you are a very compassionate and helpful person, you would be an excellent peer support worker. I don’t know much about you, but you very definitely have a positive impact on forums. I don’t think that is manufactured, I think it is an innate skill for you.

@AlwaysMyself , I agree with @Till23 that you are very good here on the forum with your caring and interaction with everyone

There is so many stages and ages in life and now I am in another different stage and still trying to know what to do

Funny seeing someone in the street and they talk about something we did 50 years ago 😂

Yes @Shaz51 being at my Dad’s and remembering the things that happened 50 or more years ago is kind of strange that I can remember back that far, many things I can’t though which was a bit sad talking to my siblings. It seems incredible that I have been alive so long. Most of the time I don’t feel as though I am sixty odd years old! Some days I do when I have an ache or pain, or can’t do something with as much ease as before!

Hello lovely @Till23,

It's been so long! We have missed you.

What have you been up to over the past couple of weeks? 🥰

Thanks @Till23 and @Shaz51 , and i guess you are right - supporting others is an innate drive in me. Although i guess i dont currently feel it as a motivation to live because within that context it still 'sounds' (to my brain and tired-heart) like it is for someone else's sake. I guess for me wanting to help others isnt currently outweighing the wanting to cease to exist. 🤔 thats the best way i can explain it. But yeah, whilst i am living, its what "making the most of it" means to me - helping others. I am considering doing peer worker training later in the year if/when i am less tired and feeling more engaged in life.

@Till23 i am less productive that i used to be too. I did part-time work and then for one job i tried to work fulltime hours - i imploded after 3 years. Since then i have done part time for the past nearly-15 years. This year i am trying no work.

@Shaz51 @Till23 i think my body feels it is your age 😆. It often felt on-par with my peers at the low-energy aqua aerobics classes. Pretty much double my actual age and that's where my body thinks it fits?? With pain, fatigue, world-weariness, etc etc. Sometimes maybe even memory? Lol

I dont remember much from when i was 10 or younger. And now i find i am forgetting how i felt when i was 11-20 -- its become much more intellectual knowledge and the links to the emotions of that time are very distant. But this isnt always a bad thing, as 11-20 would have been my most severe depression years.

So i can be an honourary 60yo+ right?? 😅

I think you’d be a great peer support worker @AlwaysMyself. Many/most jobs are for someone else’s sake - nursing, policing, psych, shopkeeper even the garbage collectors are doing it for someone else. Sometimes people are doing it just for the money, but I think

most people are doing their job to help others.

I’m sure chronic fatigue probably gives the feeling that you are older than your chronological age. Your comment has reminded me to check out aquarobics again, I have never actually done it because the times it’s on always seem to clash with something!

Hi @AuntGlow I hope you had a lovely Christmas and New Year..

I have been away at my father’s property trying to clean up and get it ready for sale following his passing, there’s quite a lot to do and it’s several hours away from where I live.

We will go back again in a few weeks.

In the meantime I am existing trying to see if I can find something useful I can do with the remainder of my life.

I’m not sure how much involvement I will have here on forums, I seem to lack the energy and commitment lately. Although I am generally low on both at the moment.
I am trying to see the positive in things and be grateful for the things I have, even if it’s just small interactions with people.

With the number of times I am getting the Forbidden page, I'm wondering if it's saying it's time to go?