I'll be honest... you're right. You can't continue like this.
I can't say much because people need to make that discovery themselves and I don't want to offend people with my words if they are not ready.
As much as I wish I could help you, it's something YOU have to do.
Be stubborn and firm in breaking that thought cycle that keeps you bound @creative_writer But this is only my thinking.
You know your stuff. I just hope you will be able to do what's right by you because in a way, it's hard to see you having these thought patterns day in-day out. I actually 'feel' your pain.
As one of my key clinicians said, "You've got to be sick of being sick" and "You are the author of your own story. If you don't like how it's going, change it."