Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

Hi all,

I started this conversation over on another thread with @tyme and @Till23 and I feel like it could be a common experience, for different reasons.

I see/feel the escalation of my mental health challenges, weekly everything just seems to kind of step up a notch. The SH that I had managed to hold at bay has re-surfaced, and has gotten worse over the last couple of days, my body in different states (when things feel off) is setting off alarm bells, the brain fog is a daily battle, the nightmares have even stepped it up and my sleep has gotten worse. Poor @MissGremlin (Thank you again, I'm so sorry, Dreamy) had to talk me down and help me ground from two panic attacks within an hour or so of each other, the other night. I spent yesterday just...trying to nurture myself and go gently about my day because...I was so exhausted, fragile and overwhelmed and my body just felt...frayed. And even that felt like a fight with myself - me mentally telling myself "come on, you need this," and my body refusing to relax.

I am taking steps to try and lessen this somewhat...all since finding the forums

• I use meditation before sleep and when I wake from sleep to try and calm me. I've found that I need help to settle first, then meditation has an impact.
• Since coming here I've opened up more and started talking more about my experiences and I'm learning new things about why and how.
• I've joined the Guided Recovery Program - I've had my first counselling session, my first group session and I have my second counselling session this coming Monday.
• I've created a safety plan for my SH and have started to trial distractions and I've also had a conversation about it with my counsellor over email.
• I've tried to take some pressure off myself with my studies - tried to have a different attitude and take a different approach.

I think I need a diagnosis and I KNOW I need help...

I am currently sitting with that statement. I know I have some mental/other barriers to seeking further support and they've successfully rendered me stuck. I feel like I'm fighting myself with this - part of me is calling out for help, yet a part of me is like..."nope," and that part is winning the battle. How do I flip the script?

The barriers I'm facing/experiencing are...

• My finances - I'm concerned about my finances and whether I have enough to be able to seek support
• overwhelm - I feel like it's just a lot
• Programming - TW talks about child abuse
• Content/trigger warning

  Trigger warning: child abuse
  
  I can't tell this story in detail, but maybe you'll be able to read between the lines.
  
  When I was in Grade 5, I woke up one morning and it was like I'd suffered a stroke. One side of my face had stopped working. I couldn't close my eye properly, my mouth dropped and it was numb. I went off to school and returned home and just tried to ignore it. When my Mum got home from work, she saw and exploded, it got physical and she was saying over and over again, "you're just doing it for attention." My Dad intervened, and I remember his words to this day, clear as day, and took me to the doctor. I was diagnosed with Bells Palsey.
  
  
  I'm afraid of getting help because what if people think I'm "doing it for attention."
• Having to talk to a stranger, face to face, about what's going on for me. The idea of asking for help and being vulnerable is completely terrifying.
• The notion that I "should" be okay, that if I admit I'm not and actually say those words to a person, then I'm failing at this life stuff.
• Not wanting people to know, or treat me any differently - with kid gloves, or harshly (work, family, friends etc)
• What if I end up in hospital? - what happens to my life then? To my dog? To my job? To the house that I pay rent for?
• Guilt and shame - for being needy, for not being able to function properly, for not having it all together and being able to do "proper" adult things.
• Medication - I've lived in a constant state of anxiety since I was 16, that's a total of 19 years, who will I be with medication? I haven't known baseline at least for the last four years, and it feels so...unknown that it scares me. Will I lose me in the process? Who is the me that's at baseline?

What barriers have others faced and how have they overcome them to get themselves the help that they need?

@Jynx @AuntGlow @Ru-bee @rav3n