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Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

NightFurySenior Contributor24 May 2025, 7:40 am AEST

Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

Hi all,

I started this conversation over on another thread with @tyme and @Till23 and I feel like it could be a common experience, for different reasons.

I see/feel the escalation of my mental health challenges, weekly everything just seems to kind of step up a notch. The SH that I had managed to hold at bay has re-surfaced, and has gotten worse over the last couple of days, my body in different states (when things feel off) is setting off alarm bells, the brain fog is a daily battle, the nightmares have even stepped it up and my sleep has gotten worse. Poor @MissGremlin (Thank you again, I'm so sorry, Dreamy) had to talk me down and help me ground from two panic attacks within an hour or so of each other, the other night. I spent yesterday just...trying to nurture myself and go gently about my day because...I was so exhausted, fragile and overwhelmed and my body just felt...frayed. And even that felt like a fight with myself - me mentally telling myself "come on, you need this," and my body refusing to relax.

I am taking steps to try and lessen this somewhat...all since finding the forums

I use meditation before sleep and when I wake from sleep to try and calm me. I've found that I need help to settle first, then meditation has an impact.
Since coming here I've opened up more and started talking more about my experiences and I'm learning new things about why and how.
I've joined the Guided Recovery Program - I've had my first counselling session, my first group session and I have my second counselling session this coming Monday.
I've created a safety plan for my SH and have started to trial distractions and I've also had a conversation about it with my counsellor over email.
I've tried to take some pressure off myself with my studies - tried to have a different attitude and take a different approach.

I think I need a diagnosis and I KNOW I need help...

I am currently sitting with that statement. I know I have some mental/other barriers to seeking further support and they've successfully rendered me stuck. I feel like I'm fighting myself with this - part of me is calling out for help, yet a part of me is like..."nope," and that part is winning the battle. How do I flip the script?

The barriers I'm facing/experiencing are...

My finances - I'm concerned about my finances and whether I have enough to be able to seek support
overwhelm - I feel like it's just a lot
Programming - TW talks about child abuse
Content/trigger warning
Trigger warning: child abuse

I can't tell this story in detail, but maybe you'll be able to read between the lines.

When I was in Grade 5, I woke up one morning and it was like I'd suffered a stroke. One side of my face had stopped working. I couldn't close my eye properly, my mouth dropped and it was numb. I went off to school and returned home and just tried to ignore it. When my Mum got home from work, she saw and exploded, it got physical and she was saying over and over again, "you're just doing it for attention." My Dad intervened, and I remember his words to this day, clear as day, and took me to the doctor. I was diagnosed with Bells Palsey.

I'm afraid of getting help because what if people think I'm "doing it for attention."
Having to talk to a stranger, face to face, about what's going on for me. The idea of asking for help and being vulnerable is completely terrifying.
The notion that I "should" be okay, that if I admit I'm not and actually say those words to a person, then I'm failing at this life stuff.
Not wanting people to know, or treat me any differently - with kid gloves, or harshly (work, family, friends etc)
What if I end up in hospital? - what happens to my life then? To my dog? To my job? To the house that I pay rent for?
Guilt and shame - for being needy, for not being able to function properly, for not having it all together and being able to do "proper" adult things.
Medication - I've lived in a constant state of anxiety since I was 16, that's a total of 19 years, who will I be with medication? I haven't known baseline at least for the last four years, and it feels so...unknown that it scares me. Will I lose me in the process? Who is the me that's at baseline?

What barriers have others faced and how have they overcome them to get themselves the help that they need?

@Jynx @AuntGlow @Ru-bee @rav3n

122 replies

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In response to: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

NightFurySenior Contributor07 June 2025, 3:50 pm AEST

Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

@Jynx we could do a bit of both, if you're up to it.

Just give me twenty minutes or so to get home. I can't do TW on my phone, but can on my laptop.

Can I ask though, that we don't do the whole...shine a spotlight on it, do you need to go to hospital thing? I see it for what it is, concern and worry and wanting to support me and I haven't dismissed it. I'm still sitting with it and it makes me feel weird. It just...kicks off the whole "world's gonna explode, impending doom" feeling that hits my red button (a friend I used to do some spiritual inner-self work with, used to describe my...whatever it is that happens... as this red button...you know that button that's labelled do not touch? Yeah...)

But I would like some strategies for what to do and how to do it.

In response to: Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

JynxModerator07 June 2025, 4:06 pm AEST

Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

@NightFury do you mean like, you don't like it when crisis numbers are provided and stuff like that?

Is your 'red button' like... if it gets hit, you're in 100% panic-mode no-thoughts brain-screaming kinda mode? That's what mine kinda is. I have illustrated it before actually:

In response to: Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

JynxModerator07 June 2025, 4:10 pm AEST

Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

@NightFury re: strategies - helps to know what you have already tried, and also helps to know a little more about how your version of 'triggered' presents - do you cry, go nonverbal, run away, hyperventilate, punch stuff, etc etc

Share as much or as little as you feel comfy of course!

In response to: Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

NightFurySenior Contributor07 June 2025, 4:25 pm AEST

Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

@Jynx I love your illustration...

You've described my red button perfectly. My heart starts to pound in my head and feel like it's coming out of my chest, my legs go...weak and wobbly and I got nothing but being swamped by abject fear and panic.

I actually don't know what set it it off...I actually think it was that someone actually saw...I didn't keep my guards up well enough and tyme actually saw. We can unpack some of that...maybe. I've just got home so...

In response to: Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

JynxModerator07 June 2025, 4:26 pm AEST

Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

Also (and please let me know if this is info overload, lol) there's this guide @NightFury - Creating Safety Online when Talking About Suicide

It's a good general guide, can be kinda extrapolated to talking about self-harm too (scroll down to the part called How can I write about thoughts of suicide safely?), and I guess it could help with understanding what we mean when we talk about 'recovery oriented posting' and stuff.

Happy to answer any questions you have!

In response to: Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

NightFurySenior Contributor07 June 2025, 4:30 pm AEST

Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

@Jynx I don't know if I've tried anything other than breathing exercises - which feels so foreign when I'm in panic mode because like...sometimes I can't breath.

Sometimes I get a mixture of those things...I get panic attacks sometimes and they leave me curled in a ball on the floor, hyperventilating and coughing and just a heap o mess.

Sometimes I withdraw and lose my words, or my words don't work well. I've had days in a row where I've been kinda non-verbal.

Sometimes I want to do both of those things and I get so confused and just...freeze.

In response to: Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

NightFurySenior Contributor07 June 2025, 5:23 pm AEST

Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

So, I went and played bowls today. I grew up around lawn bowls clubs and my Nan and Grandad played and taught my brother and I how to play too. It was a big family thing - my grandparents, my Dad, My Uncle, my Cousins - because it's one of those sports that all generations can access. I've played top level lawn bowls for my state for years, and have been in the state squad and state development squads. I haven't cracked the state team yet. I took a lot of time off when my Nan died, but found my way back to it eventually and signed up to play at the same club as my brother and my Dad, and as a family, as part of the team we won two top level premierships and played for the state title. But in 2023, I personally, crashed in a heap and got really lost in who I was/am. I stopped doing the things that I enjoyed because I didn't know if I enjoyed them any more and I didn't know if they were a part of my identity because of my family or because they were important to me. Interesting segue because it kind of leads into this...

TW: Mentions suicide, suicidal ideation and self harm

Content/trigger warning

TW: Suicide, suicidal ideations and self-harm

I'm going to give you the condensed version because it's only a little contextual. In 2023, I inadvertently unlocked memories of CSA and was pushed to work on some of my CA experiences. And at the end of 2023, I was suicidal and no one saw. I even had a plan, but I panicked and ran away. Things had happened here in Tassie and all I knew was how much pain I was in and how much it hurt. I'd had experience piled on top of experience and I didn't know how to deal with any of it. I was also in burn out mode from having lived life as a high school teacher for 8 years. I blew up my life and moved to QLD to live with a friend. Turned out, it was an unsafe environment and I spent single day navigating my 'red button' to the point where...it feels like it's permanently stuck down now. I came home. Packed my things, didn't tell anyone I was leaving until the week before and drove myself and my dog from QLD back to Tassie in three days. I arrived at midnight, and started my new teaching job at 8 am the next morning.

That just provides a little context, I guess...

and now...I can talk about this week...

I know I'm in trouble...because I've been there before...

But this time it's probably worse. I've had issues with SH before, but was able to put it to sleep...somewhat. It came up every now and then, but now it's an every night thing. I think along side my anxiety being constantly stuck in the on mode, I might also be depressed. I sink so deep in it sometimes.

The thing that's shifted me downwards this week - I have an infection (I'm dealing with it, it's healing) and with it came so much shame - shame connected to my SH. Not wanting to communicate here about how deep I'm in it at the moment - and protecting myself from situations where people might "see."

The SH I think, I used it to shift me out of brain fog, and it makes me feel clearer (better). Now, it's not...enough. Now, I'm dealing with suicidal ideation too. I'm safe, and generally can push those thoughts down, deep down or completely just ignore them. I have a safety plan and use lots of distractions, but would like to/need to make that more functional and I have my GP appointment coming up. I'm not ignoring it. I just...have to feel as if I have some control over it. I've joked that I'm a person in constant motion, but it's true. I'm never still, always have jobs to do and things to get done and that's helped me to deal, to suppress, and to hide it from others. I am bone-tired, that kind of deep tiredness that just sinks its claws in.

My life...for all intents and purposes is getting back on track - I'm back teaching, I've my own rental house, I'm studying because there's a huge part of me that doesn't want to be a teacher any more. I am working towards a future - and I can see it slowly slipping away from me. It's also why I can't let go of the studies, I can't drop the ball and let go of all the things that keep me masked up and moving. If I do...I'll crash and I have no supports for if that happens. Even down to the little things like, who looks after my dog if I have to go into hospital? I take care of my niece three days after work every week and I love spending time with her, even though I need to work on setting boundaries with my brother. I need to be functional in my life.

I haven't done this before. I haven't allowed anyone in before, let alone allowed anyone to help me and support me and it's kinda big. It's scary letting people in, and while some part of me really wants to be seen, really wants validation and that gentle, empathetic hand to hold, it also doesn't feel safe for me. We've talked a little about what life was like for me growing up - but my Mum would become volatile around anything that she didn't understand - my anxiety was one of those things, and illness too, when we got sick and she didn't know why. It was sometimes physical.

TW: Suicide, suicidal ideations and self-harmI'm going to give you the condensed version because it's only a little contextual. In 2023, I inadvertently unlocked memories of CSA and was pushed to work on some of my CA experiences. And at the end of 2023, I was suicidal and no one saw. I even had a plan, but I panicked and ran away. Things had happened here in Tassie and all I knew was how much pain I was in and how much it hurt. I'd had experience piled on top of experience and I didn't know how to deal with any of it. I was also in burn out mode from having lived life as a high school teacher for 8 years. I blew up my life and moved to QLD to live with a friend. Turned out, it was an unsafe environment and I spent single day navigating my 'red button' to the point where...it feels like it's permanently stuck down now. I came home. Packed my things, didn't tell anyone I was leaving until the week before and drove myself and my dog from QLD back to Tassie in three days. I arrived at midnight, and started my new teaching job at 8 am the next morning.That just provides a little context, I guess...and now...I can talk about this week...I know I'm in trouble...because I've been there before...But this time it's probably worse. I've had issues with SH before, but was able to put it to sleep...somewhat. It came up every now and then, but now it's an every night thing. I think along side my anxiety being constantly stuck in the on mode, I might also be depressed. I sink so deep in it sometimes. The thing that's shifted me downwards this week - I have an infection (I'm dealing with it, it's healing) and with it came so much shame - shame connected to my SH. Not wanting to communicate here about how deep I'm in it at the moment - and protecting myself from situations where people might "see." The SH I think, I used it to shift me out of brain fog, and it makes me feel clearer (better). Now, it's not...enough. Now, I'm dealing with suicidal ideation too. I'm safe, and generally can push those thoughts down, deep down or completely just ignore them. I have a safety plan and use lots of distractions, but would like to/need to make that more functional and I have my GP appointment coming up. I'm not ignoring it. I just...have to feel as if I have some control over it. I've joked that I'm a person in constant motion, but it's true. I'm never still, always have jobs to do and things to get done and that's helped me to deal, to suppress, and to hide it from others. I am bone-tired, that kind of deep tiredness that just sinks its claws in. My life...for all intents and purposes is getting back on track - I'm back teaching, I've my own rental house, I'm studying because there's a huge part of me that doesn't want to be a teacher any more. I am working towards a future - and I can see it slowly slipping away from me. It's also why I can't let go of the studies, I can't drop the ball and let go of all the things that keep me masked up and moving. If I do...I'll crash and I have no supports for if that happens. Even down to the little things like, who looks after my dog if I have to go into hospital? I take care of my niece three days after work every week and I love spending time with her, even though I need to work on setting boundaries with my brother. I need to be functional in my life. I haven't done this before. I haven't allowed anyone in before, let alone allowed anyone to help me and support me and it's kinda big. It's scary letting people in, and while some part of me really wants to be seen, really wants validation and that gentle, empathetic hand to hold, it also doesn't feel safe for me. We've talked a little about what life was like for me growing up - but my Mum would become volatile around anything that she didn't understand - my anxiety was one of those things, and illness too, when we got sick and she didn't know why. It was sometimes physical.

In response to: Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

RiverSealModerator07 June 2025, 6:10 pm AEST

Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

Hey @NightFury, thank you for sharing your experiences with the community!

Sounds like you have been dealing with a lot of challenging emotions for a long time. You are demonstrating your resilience by sharing your story with your peers, which is not easy when we have things that can make us feel vulnerable.

Thank you for letting the community know that you are safe! Please reach out to talk with someone if you are experiencing SI, as it can be really beneficial to have a conversation and hear someone else's perspective. I will pop some crisis support details here so you have them handy:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Lifeline Chat

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 or Beyond Blue Webchat

1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732, www.1800respect.org.au

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 or Online Counselling

Samaritans: 135 247 (24/7)

If in immediate danger: 000 www.triplezero.gov.au/triple-zero/How-to-Call-000

I'm curious if you have had sucess with any ways to limit or prevent your SH and what may have worked for you over time? I have had my own experience with SH and it was mindset that I had at the time which I have worked through and mostly addressed the issues that caused the desire to act on my thoughts. I can relate and love to hear more about your successes.

Take care

RiverSeal

In response to: Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

NightFurySenior Contributor07 June 2025, 6:23 pm AEST

Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

@RiverSeal I stopped SH for years. It came up for me when I experienced losing both of my grandparents in the same year. The grief caused me to fail my law degree. It has surfaced from time to time, but hasn't hung around consistently, until like a month ago...it's worse this time though.

I pulled myself out of it. I don't really know or understand how. I didn't get help, it just...was a day by day, super stubborn, I can't screw my life up any more so I need to pull myself together kind of thing.

In response to: Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

RiverSealModerator07 June 2025, 6:56 pm AEST

Re: Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

I'm curious @NightFury, what helped you to stop SH for years? I can appreciate that it might have taken courage to face some of your fears or to sit with your feelings and emotions. RiverSeal ❤️

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