Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

Hi @NightFury @Jynx I went to my sport training this morning and there was a special ceremony today around the history of the sport, so it took a bit longer, tried to do some shopping for stuff I'll need while I'm away.

Therefore, I haven't looked at forums, sorry, I will need to catch up a bit.

Sorry about not putting a trigger warning on my last post. I might go back and edit some of my posts, maybe I've said too much.

Sounds like you've got a very good supportive plan well underway @NightFury

Literally to ask for a MHCP you just say "I need a MHCP" but I understand that probably isn't helpful for me to say lol - not at all trying to invalidate how difficult it is to ask simple questions when one is super heightened.

Hmm stuff feeling stuck still? That's okay hun. I imagine it's a bit of a tension between the desire to be heard, and the need for safety. You do whatever feels right for you - I will say, you've been VERY vulnerable with us in multiple ways over the last week or so. It's okay if you need to put your fortress walls back up again, these things take time and I don't want you suddenly feeling very anxious that you've overshared or something.

Is that a concern you're sitting with atm?

@Jynx I'm stuck between wanting to reach out and talk about what just happened for me and not wanting to make myself that vulnerable. So, I guess yeah, the desire to be heard and supported and the need for safety is where I'm stuck currently. It's not you though, I trust you. I just...it's hard to explain...and that tension makes me feel anxious...me nor knowing what to do makes me feel anxious, not that sharing with you part.

I feel like maybe you're off soon too, and you're busy so just wanna say thank you for chatting with me tonight.

@NightFury nah here for a bit longer yet, wrap up around 9.30pm.

And don't worry, I am not at all taking it personally. I understand completely that this has everything to do with you fighting against your neural wiring, and not that I've failed to help you feel safe enough. I get it 😉 This is why I wanted to highlight that like, that internal sense of safety is super important. In mental health circles we talk about 'containment' - which is all about ensuring that if someone is gonna make a disclosure, we know that they're safe and supported to do so - and that includes sometimes prompting people not to share if we're worried that it could result in a crisis. Last thing any of us want is you accidentally ending up on a spiral!!

I am not trying to sway you either way of course, you do what feels right for you. Just giving you all the info and letting you know that you have my understanding and support either way. 😊

@JynxI don't want that spiral either. So, thank you for pointing out that it's okay to listen to that when the walls come up for me.

For sure hun, and as you go @NightFury you'll get better at recognising when you need to slow down and when you need to push through 😊

@Jynx I'm not used to feeling like it's okay to slow down. I've worked with people who have always encouraged the pushing. The slowing is a new thing, and it actually being okay is a new thing to sit with. My only experience (with getting some kind of support, not in the mental health area though. With an intuitive life coach) I've always been pushed to push in spite of that inner sense of safety.

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@NightFury there's probably a fair chunk of things in life that want that approach. Like if we compared it to a broken leg, well people would be mortified if you said 'Oh I know it's broken, but I just don't feel quite ready to put it in a cast yet.'

But here's the diff. Sometimes, it quite literally isn't safe for us to process our trauma. Because to do so often means making ourselves incredibly vulnerable. So it's ACTUALLY more like you've got a limp, and you're deciding when you are gonna be ready for the surgery to fix the limp. It's gonna leave you unable to walk entirely for a time, but then after you'll be able to run. But no point going into the surgery if you're still running from tigers.

Did that make sense or did I get too lost in that metaphor? 😅

@Jynx nah, that made sense. I like the metaphors.

I get it. Sometimes it's not safe because we're not ready and we don't have the strategies or the right supports.

@Till23 slowing down is something that feels entirely foreign, but I think it's something that I really want to work on. My anxiety races and my body and mind race within it and changes states almost constantly and I would love to take it all down a notch and actually work on slowing down. It feels like a big middle finger to my anxiety and to the way society expects us to live our lives.