Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

@Jynx I love that! Sorry, I don't know if that's appropriate, but go you on getting some sun and some sugar into your system!

I don't know what it is. My head is heavy, my eyes are heavy, my brain is heavy and foggy and I would just like to have stayed in bed and slept all day. But adulting is a requirement even when things are fuzzy!

I don't know if I know enough about dissociation to be able to tell when and if I'm doing it.

I have to study. I have a 2500 word essay due next Sunday and I can not tank it! I've set myself up so that I don't have to do much else - food is in the slow cooker for dinner tonight, I've lit the fire to keep me warm and toasty, I've been to the supermarket, and did some house stuff...so, yeah...I don't have any excuses!

@Jynx it doesn't matter...

I'm keen to hear more of your thoughts on how to prepare for the GP visit, if you're keen to share.

Oooh slow cooker noms AND a fire @NightFury? Jealous!!

Yeah we can totally chat more about preparing for the doc! It's next week yeah? Which day? I got an appt on Thursday I'm nervous about haha we can be angsty together 😅

@Jynx I had the intention of working on not neglecting my need for sustenance today, and made a conscious effort. I've a lamb casserole cooking away in the slow cooker. I feel the effort in these basic things this weekend - and I have to actually stop and go...okay...food, let's do that, water...drink it! Heat...let's not freeze our digits off and light the fire.

It's the week after next - the 8th. I like the idea of not being angsty alone though. What are your strategies for getting through your appointment?

Sorry, I needed to change the subject, I was starting to get emotional for some strange reason. Urgh!

Topic change incoming @NightFury - if you want me to share my appt prep stuff a lil later just let me know 😊

I totally feel that - the whole slowing down and needing to be really explicit about instructions to self. I think for me that usually means dissociatey, cos it's like my brain keeps getting lost and I need to be really proactive about redirecting it back to the task at hand.

Do you have an indoor fireplace? So jealous if you do!

@Jynx hmmm that's interesting because I'm like super forgetful at the moment. I have to set reminders in my phone for literally everything. This will give you a bit of a laugh...but I lost my phone the other day at work and found it...in my hand! I just get kind of spaced out, frazzled and lost in my own head. Maybe then, I am dissociatey! It makes me feel kind of useless.

I have an indoor fireplace. My house is old, cold, doesn't have insulation and has like grated holes in the wall (vent thingys) that are straight to the outside. It's often colder inside than out. So, I am grateful for the fireplace. I love sitting in front of it and having a cuppa.

I'd love you to share!

@NightFury moooood lol I have ALSO done similar - one time panicked and freaking out over the phone to my mum... cos I'd lost my phone! Hahahaha

Aye it does hey, I feel ya. I have had to work on reducing that internalised shame around it, but it's hard. Stuff like 'It shouldn't take me three hours to do this one chore!!' - is hard to sit with! I picture it kinda like... well anyone would be struggling if they had a fae creature stealing their train of thought all the time! lol

Aww sounds lush!! I have a brazier, but it's a little bit of effort to set up. Plus it means I have to expose myself to the cold to get to it 😅

Lol @Jynx glad I'm not the only one who does stuff like that.

A fae creature, I like that! My brain goes on side quests and forgets the way back to the original train of thought.

Self-acceptance is a thing...hey? To be able to go, "this is just how I roll," and not judge yourself for it, is a legit super power.

I'm going to take a moment to sit in a bit of self-pity....I hate the cold!

@Jynx can you tell me about your strategies for your upcoming appointment now? Or when you have a moment. I...I just need someone to natter at me at the moment. I'm trying to settle.

@NightFury of course!!

Hmm... I think first off, I am gonna make sure I have nothing else on the rest of the day. I wanna make sure as well that like, when I get home there's not heaps to do/attend to (e.g. have dinner prepped and no super stressful chores lingering) so I can just collapse in a heap if I need to.

Mine is an intake appt, so I am planning to go in with an idea of what my goals are - if I don't know what I wanna get out of an appt, it tends to leave me floundering around explaining myself, and can sometimes mean I come away feeling like it was a waste of time cos there's no 'progress' or next steps kinda thing. So gonna set some goals as little notes to refer to.

I think if I was feeling as agitated and full-o-dread as I am sensing that you are, I would also probably take the time to make a note of THAT. As in, for me one of the best antidotes to my anxiety is to shine a spotlight on it, cos it hates that.

Example - If feeling suuuuuper scared at doc office, and feeling anxious about pacing around the waiting room and disturbing everyone else... I might like let the admin staff know, something like 'Hey, so I am suuuuper anxious, and logically I know the appt is gonna be fine but my body is super agitated...' and maybe ask them if it's okay I am pacing around, or if they know where I could pace, or if I have to bail suddenly that they know I still want the appt and just to call me so I can come running back.

Or another example, in the doc office itself, maybe handing across a note that says 'I am struggling to be here because I have a lot of medical trauma, and my body is likely in shut down. I may need support to communicate my needs today. Can you please help me to get a MHCP?'

The awful thing is hun, that the more they know the more they will be able to help you. But of course, that requires you to be vulnerable! Bit of a catch-22 hey!

But yeah like, if you say from the get go 'I am worried that you will shut me down' then any doctor worth their salt is gonna do what they can to ensure that doesn't happen!

How's that as starting point? How's it all sitting with you now?

@Jynx that's a brilliant starting point...thank you.

I have work beforehand, so it will be managing the anxiety as I'm driving to my appointment. I'm super wary of having a panic attack while driving (it's happened. It's a thing) so working out some strategies to mitigate that.

I like the idea of organising myself prior, so that when I get home, I can collapse. I will probably need someone to talk me down, so maybe find a solution - reach out here, or a crisis line...though I failed at that recently.

I don't know how to ask for a MHCP. I'm kinda worried I'm going to get into there and just do something weird like stare at the GP because words are hard sometimes amd I can forget to use them. So, writing a note as a plan B would work well, I think.

I need to have an escape plan, so the idea of saying to reception..."hey look, I'm super anxious and agitated. I need to know if it's okay for me to wait outside...or something" or like you suggested, somewhere it's okay for me to pace and just...move.

Urgh, vulnerability is not my strong point, but I do get it.

This is sitting okay. It's actually good for my brain to go through this. As I said, it likes to have plans and to work through the steps...often step by step...this is how it's going to look and how it's going to go...this is how you're going to approach it. It's a control thing. If it feels like it has control, then it's calmer and easier.

@Jynx there's stuff I want to say...I don't know how to say it, it's not related to this. So, I'm probably not going to say it but...I'm safe.