Barriers to seeking support (TW: Mentions self harm and CA)

@rav3n I will reply, maybe just not today I'm not in the right head space at the moment.

Thank you, though.

@NightFury , thank you so so so much for sharing parts of your story. I hear your resilience through all that you hae endured.

It shows that our childhood experiences really shape us and can define us unless we get the support we deserve.

Thank you for trusting the community here with your story and sharing what is working as well as some of the challenges you are experiencing.

@tyme @rav3n

One thing I didn't realise was a barrier until this week...or maybe it's new...but just how disheartening it can be.

I've done two BIG things this week and the culmination of both came very close to tipping me over the edge and I needed to put some things on my shiny new safety plan into action.

I got completely overwhelmed and flooded with anxiety last weekend regarding my studies. I'm not keeping up with the load and when I can study - I'm fighting brain fog and it's not going in. So I emailed them, telling them a little about what's been happening for me, and they suggested I apply for a program that allows me more time to complete the work and the assignments, and gives me access to more supports. Catch is - you need a diagnosis to be able to apply. I don't have one.

This was the push that I needed though and I tried to book an appointment with a GP here in my local area. Which also was a BIG thing for me - but the appointment was rejected by reception. When I rang up they said that it's been seven years since I've seen a doctor and they now look at me as a new patient. There are forms to fill out and hoops to jump through.

These two factors triggered the, "it's too hard, I give up response." I have persisted and have an appointment with a GP in the next couple of weeks. My studies - I don't know where to go from here.

TY for starting this thread @NightFury suuuper important thing to discuss. I can relate so much to what you've spoken about - especially around that 'I must be a failure if I need therapy' dealio. Nowadays I truly believe that every single human should seek therapy... Like, if we could all improve our mental health this way why shouldn't we?!

Absolutely incredible that you pushed through and got the gp appt anyway!! Is it a new GP? And the goal is to get your MHCP? Can deffo talk a bit about it if you're feeling nervous!!

How's your Saturday anyway?

OMG @Jynx it's good to see you! I figured that it was something that others could relate to. It wasn't just relevant and applicable for me.

It's a new GP in an old practice. I rang up to a practice that I used to go to because it feels familiar and was hoping that would help. I found out in the process that it's been seven years since I've even seen a doctor. Which was a bit of a shock.

The goal is to get a MHCP. I need help. I need some supports and in order to get support with my study, I need to see a GP and for that GP to provide evidence of how my challenges impact upon my learning and capacity to manage my studies. I only found this out this week, when I reached out to the Uni for help. That was the catalyst for me booking in to see a GP.

I am nervous about it and talking myself in and out of actually going to my appointment already, even though it's still a few weeks away.

My Saturday has been a mixed bag. I was up at 'too early o'clock' and crammed in three hours of study before the sun came up. Then I spent some time with a friend. We walked, we talked, we had coffee and lunch. I shared some of what's been happening for me, she did the same. I patted her chickens and spent time with her dogga. It was lovely. Then I had a meeting at a lawn bowls club, they want me to play there next season.

I've just noticed though that the world feels a bit spinny. I'm hoping it's just the early morning start and the recent lack of sleep making it feel that way.

@NightFury oh wow, haha you remind me of a younger me, I think after I left home I didn't book into a GP until my mid-late 20's 😵

Sounds like maybe this external pressure from the uni could be a bit of a boon in terms of helping you self-motivate.

Wanna share with us some of the reasons you've given yourself to go, or not to go? Maybe we can all help you in addressing those anxieties as they come up, if you like!

Aww sounds like a super wholesome morning!!

Aye I get spinny when I'm tired, when I'm low on food, low on iron, and when I'm a bit dissociatey. So perhaps it's all of the above?

Has it settled at all over the last 20 or so?

@Jynx honestly, I am not self-motivating at the moment. The pressure from study and uni is HUGE and I am not dealing! And I wanna dig my heels in. It's like wading through quicksand with my studies.

Well...I need to get something supports around me. I would like to work towards a diagnosis so that I can understand me more and what's happening for me and I can't do that without a referral. And maybe medication will help me stabilise my anxiety because it's dialled up and I can't find base line.

I also have some physical stuff to manage. My psoriasis is a mess and it's uncomfortable. I also have female stuff to deal with...that I avoid dealing with like the plagued.

To not go...I haven't been to the doctor in over seven years...I'm scared. I don't want to do blood tests and stuff, I don't want to know. I've been through a melanoma diagnosis before and had surgery and got the all clear, but I don't want to know. It's the reason why I've not been in. I'm supposed to get yearly checks. It's a real fear that I don't know what to do with...

I never feel comfortable at the docs, it like...feels so...like I'm being judged and looked at and I hate it. I don't want to lie on their beds, I need to see everything they're doing to me, I get so anxious and unsettled. I don't like to be touched.

Also...financially. It's going to hurt the back pocket.

I am at the supermarket trying to buy food because I've been like old mother hubbard over the last couple of days.

The spinny feeling could be all of the above...honestly, plus a lack of water. I forgot to do that today...

I wanna say yes, but...really answer no it hasn't, but it hasn't gotten worse either. So I'm going with that being a positive. I will deal with water and food when I get home and we'll see.

@NightFury I can really feel how much all of this pressure and tension is creating an enormous amount of inner turmoil for you hun. And you've got prior history of traumatic medical experiences, well it's no wonder you don't wanna go!

I have struggled a lot with seeking medical care over the years. I think it might be related to how often my dad was in hospital growing up, cos he had a bunch of medical issues. One difficult thing to learn was that like... knowing or not knowing doesn't change whether or not there's something wrong, it just changes what can be done about it. Finding out that there might be more medical issues to address is TERRIFYING, no two ways about it. But on the flipside, with knowing comes the ability to take control.

Maybe you could have a think about like... is knowing - whether it's a clear record or whether there's an issue - going to be better than sitting in the anxiety of not knowing? Personally the reason I would say yes to that, is because to me processing the emotional fallout of finding out I have a medical issue actually does sound less exhausting than spending months or even years torturing myself with the anxiety of the unknown. And funnily enough. spending that long in anxiety-mode is probably gonna wreck my health anyway!

Also, yes... there's a lot left to be desired when it comes to our medical system and how long it is taking for it to become aligned with trauma-informed care. Maybe planning ahead can help - do you have anyone who could be a support for you, like maybe drop you off/pick you up and take you for ice cream after?

Hope you've gotten home by now and some tasty food is en route to ya belly!!

Too much pressure, too much tension @Jynx I don't know how to dial it down...even just to like...mid strength would be okay at the moment.

My Dad was in hospital a lot too.

I've also lived with psoriasis...all my life, and I got Bell's Palsey in Grade 5 and the melanoma diagnosis about 8 years ago. It's been a lot.

Knowing gives me choice and control, I know that logically. I'm just scared @Jynx. I guess I have been living in that anxiety zone for a while now regarding my physical health and actually going to a doctor again. When the thought comes up - when something physical comes up I've just...pushed it down and avoided it. It goes away after a while.

Last year, I broke some ribs...but didn't go to the doctor because of it. I just told myself that it would get better, take pain killers ignore it and go about my day and it would heal on it's own and it did eventually.

It's like my brain is convinced that going to the doctor isn't safe.

Planning ahead could help. Planning ahead always helps me. I have to know all the ins and outs of everything and even plan the little things, so coming up with a plan would help. I don't have anyone who can drop off or pick up, but I can still plan ahead.

I'm alright. Water helped a lot. I feel like...I spent all week planning the conversation I was going to have with her and then today rolled around and it was all that I could think about and other things slipped by the wayside.

@Jynx sorry for the double post...I just wanna say that until this conversation, I didn't actually see how big of a thing this was for me...

It feels good to acknowledge it and see the connections. Thank you.