It started early

@Till23 it seems c-ptsd is associated not only with psychological harm but also with chronic illnesses and chronic pain. I don't know if it predisposed me to my own mental illness as there's no family history of it although for most people there's a genetic component.

I too know more than I've disclosed. And I never mentioned it at all until my mid 30s. So I was shocked when a new psychologist told me if I'd experienced any childhood trauma it was a consequence of lying. She later claimed she'd hoped to elicit a response. My response after freezing then fretting for days was to change psychologist. Perhaps she thought I'd tried to disclose and been disbelieved as my gp had mentioned CSA in my referral.

@Dimity it's difficult because cPTSD is a fairly recently described and classified MH issue. It's only in ICD (European) and not yet in DSM (USA) so the research is very early.

There is however multiple studies showing that childhood abuse is associated with many chronic disease and cancer (I've had cancer twice)

My goodness, that psychologist was not helpful at all, I am glad you changed.

Unfortunately, even though it's hard to believe in 2000s, there are still people that deny CSA occurs and that people lie about it for some other agenda (I'm not sure what)

I hope you are able to find someone you are comfortable talking with. I also hope you can receive good management for your pain and physical illnesses.

Hopefully people will recognise and actually take note of these associations and ongoing ramifications of childhood abuse and find ways to assist people in practical helpful ways.

I am going to switch off for the night.

But thank you for sharing your story and supporting others.

You were among the first people on the forums that could understand my situation from an "older" persons perspective and I really appreciated that, because I actually thought there would be more younger people on the forums. I am glad that I have found some people similar to me, even though I very much wish there weren't others, but I don't feel so alone because for years, like more than a decade I thought I was the only one who was abused.

@Dimity

the damage done by medical gaslighting, that is people being paid to do better is incredible.

@tyme @Shaz51

is the advocacy group still planned?

my family experienced CSA in 2 generations and it contributed to the premature deaths

@Dimity

I have an event up in the mountains on Monday so have come away for a couple of days again. It's much nicer than the last place I stayed, though I have quite a bit of anxiety about being so far from home. But again, the clean floors and bathroom is delightful. I haven't been as disciplined at home as I would have liked. Though there have been reasons, and I'm trying to be gentle with myself.

Anyway, that means this morning I'm out of routine, and I'm having my coffee with my laptop and feel like I can't keep saying the same things in the tidying forums about why am I so lazy and why is it all so hard and will my floors ever be clean? So instead I was curious to know what would come up if I searched CSA and here you are. I promise I'm not stalking you. It just seems that we have a lot in common. I was much older than you when it started (though 12 isn't exactly old) and I know I haven't processed it. But I often suspect it's not the abuse that I want to process, but all the other stuff. The non belief. The fact that my mother chose to stay with him even if it meant I couldn't stay in the house. I'm now completely estranged from my entire family who I assume just go about their lives as if I don't exist. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmingly like the odd one out that I know I MUST have been in the wrong. Either imagining things or overreacting. I know that's not the case, but it's hard to reconcile this feeling of shunning and isolation if I didn't do anything wrong.

I hope my commenting here doesn't cause you distress. But it is nice to know that people understand. And I know you know this, but I'll say anyway - what happened to you was not your fault and you didn't deserve it.

Hello @Chantarelle . Nice to hear from you. Glad you're enjoying the change - I hear there's a bit of anxiety too.

Sorry to hear of your experiences - I hope you don't experience recurrent trauma (cptsd) - it's sad that it seems not uncommon among people with similar mh challenges - I've found some of the Blue Knot Foundation resources helpful. You definitely weren't in the wrong, and it's shocking that you received no support or validation and have had to break from your entire family.

My CSA wasn't ongoing but the family dynamic abruptly changed. And other forms of abuse and neglect continued. The family was and is dysfunctional and I'm estranged from most members.

Do you have anyone helping you process it all? If you haven't, the Blue Knot helpline can be quite helpful. I've only recently (perhaps in the last 2 ir 3 years) started working through it. I've been offered EMDR but I'm a bit hesitant.

Good morning @Dimity

I've just woken up to another stunning sunrise. When I dream of winning lotto it's never about mansions or fancy cars. It's just being able to wake up like this every morning and have the day ahead of me to go for a walk and read books and take naps. Alas, none of that pays the bills so it's back to work tomorrow...

I meant to checkout Blue Knot yesterday but got sidetracked by a football thread 🙂 But I've just had a quick look and there's a lot there, which is good, and also overwhelming. The trauma and effects are definitely ongoing. But it's good that I'm estranged from my family. They are not good people. But it does leave me feeling pretty isolated and abandoned. Mostly I think I want to go about my life as if it never happened. After nearly 40 years it feels like something that will just always be there. I feel like I'm way too old to pull all that darkness out again. Of course, if someone else said that to me I'd want to slap them around a bit and say it's never too late. But I just don't know where I'd get the energy from. Even just clicking the survivor button on the Blue Knot website was hard because I just don't want to admit that I've survived something so traumatic.

I've heard of EMDR but never really looked into it. It seems to be something that would cause me anxiety rather than alleviate it. As a younger person I probably would have just done whatever doctors suggested, believing that there were cures that one size fits all. As I get older I realise that there is still so much that's unknown and that not everything will work for every person.

I hope you have an amazing week, and thank you again for creating these safe spaces for me to feel like I can talk about things that I usually don't let see the light of day.

@Dimity can I ask how you've engaged with the Blue Knot website? Have you spoken to their counsellors? Attended the workshop? Have you found the engagement helpful? I am thinking about it, but not sure where to start. Thanks

Hi @Chantarelle and hi @Dimity I hope you don't mind me posting something on this thread.. I just saw the topic in the Latest Posts and saw reference to Blue Knot Foundation and read your post..If you scroll back in this thread you will see that I am an older person who is trying to deal with the effects of CSA..

I have tried to go about my life as though I had not experienced CSA, even though I had obvious symptoms, like persistent nightmares and also other symptoms that I have only fairly recently realised are more than likely due to CSA. Or maybe it's more that I was in denial. Denial, I have found, can be amazingly strong.

I found reaching out the first time to a service/health professional to be very difficult and I did so once and then again tried to shove everything under the carpet and ignore it for years getting on with my life (which I feel has only been half-lived). So I have only been trying to deal with cPTSD (previously I was diagnosed with major depression, because at the time it was thought that only combat veterans could get PTSD) again in the last few years.

I joined the forums about a year ago. I am not on the forums much these days and especially of late because I am currently quite unwell. I used work and studying all of my life as a coping mechanism and I have recently retired, so I am finding it difficult not having those things in my life.

But I thought I could perhaps add something useful to your post, it's fine if it's not helpful or you'd (or @Dimity as it's a thread she started) rather not have me here, just let me know.

The following may get deleted because it talks about a service outside of Sane and there are community guidelines about that, I don't think what I have written breaches that but it may be thought to do so.

I have spoken to the Blue Knot helpline twice, unfortunately on two other occasions, the call kept dropping out early and I have not got far with that.. However, I have heard other people have had good interactions with the service.

They also run a workshop for victim/survivors (and they acknowledge these labels are difficult) which I have attended some time ago.

They also have a series of factsheets (these are quite good) that you can download.

The following is my opinion only, and other people may have different opinions.. In my opinion, they seem more focused on institutional abuse (almost certainly as a result of the Royal Commission). They also seem more focused on educating professionals (have many more webinars and seminars for them) to learn about interacting/treating people who have experienced CSA.

Although it is repeated there is only one online workshop for victim/survivors. I have written to them to ask about more workshops for those who have been affected and they now seem to run a few in some capital cities, which is not helpful for me personally, but may be for you.

I think the factsheets and the webinar are good places to start as well as the helpline (only available 9am to 5pm).

As with many telephone support services for anything MH related I have found that the wait times are quite long.

Hello @Chantarelle and @Till23 . I'd forgotten starting this thread - the issues rarely surface for me - but I'm grateful you've noticed it and reopened discussion. If sharing helps that's all good.

I'd never been able to articulate what happened and its aftermath but I'd heard vaguely of cptsd arising from childhood trauma. Blue Knot resource material online included a detailed description of cptsd which was enormously helpful for me - I recognised the thoughts, feelings and beliefs and it gave me a vocabulary. I've spoken to telephone counsellors 2 or 3 times. They consulted their listings of trauma-informed counsellors (both bulkbilling and private) in my vicinity but at the time, the closest were too far. Another time they checked their listings of local support groups and referred me to one, but it proved to be one for a specific ethnic/cultural group I didn't identify with. I haven't contacted them since. But I remember the counsellors being supportive, insightful and kind when I was a bit distressed, and they invited me to ring back weekly if I needed to.

I think what Blue Knot gifted me was self-awareness I've been able to carry over into counselling and therapy.

I had some structured EMDR sessions a couple of years ago that were terminated because of time limits at the community based service that ran them. I'm currently trying to decide whether to try again but am a bit intimidated by the preparation and the need to confront so much history that I normally suppress or repress. The psychologist however says it could be very beneficial and freeing, and open up new opportunities for me as my life is so constrained. It could unlock opportunities for better relationships and new possibilities instead of continued avoidance and fear.

@Till23 I greatly appreciate you sharing your experience, though I'm sorry that you can relate to a past of CSA and PTSD. I was actually diagnosed with PTSD back in the 90s which confused me at the time because I'd never been to war! But ultimately I'm not looking for labels for myself (though I completely understand why they're beneficial for a lot of people). It makes sense that services would have been set up due to the royal commission into institutional abuse. And it's obviously much needed. But I guess that doesn't help me much. I think I was hoping that either you'd tell me you had a couple of sessions and now it's like you were never abused - you know those magic cures!

I rarely talk about the abuse with psychs and stuff. I can understand the approach of because of A in your childhood is why you do B now. But how does that help? I'm always going to have A. And repression and avoidance means I can go about my every day life, even if I'm not especially successful at it. I feel like if I fully own that I'm a survivor (I remember the first time that I read that word and I LOVED it) then I don't know where to go next, because that trauma will always be in my past.

But I'll try not to unload too much. @Dimity I apologise if reopening this forgotten thread has caused any triggers. While I don't love the idea of discussing this professionally, I do like the idea of finding people who understand. And I'll definitely have a look at the fact sheets and other online resources.

I appreciate you both sharing such personal stories with me. And apologies for such a late reply. I completely forgot to do this with my coffee this morning!