It started early

@Chantarelle I'm fine with your reopening the thread thanks... it's probably timely for me to revisit it while I ponder whether to pursue therapy.

I understand what you mean about repression letting you get on with life and wondering what comes next if you own being a survivor.

My own diagnosis is bipolar and I suspect some of my past psychotic episodes (mostly a very long time ago now) were a bubbling over of stuff I'd never processed, not just from childhood but into badly adjusted adult life. I'm having trouble at present with some important decisions that my psychologist thinks are entangled with old maladaptive schemas. She suggested processing and re-integrating through EMDR could be very freeing.

A couple of years ago I suffered from chronic pain - again perhaps associated with a trauma background and I had a limited amount of EMDR. I also started some physio. The combination seemed to help.

The association of childhood trauma with later mh concerns seems far more than anecdotal. I've read medical reviews presenting statistics.

C-ptsd doesn't seem recognised by psychiatrists using DSM-V but there seems a growing awareness of it, especially since the publicity surrounding institutional CSA. But CSA also occurs in family and other settings. I think CSA like DV is underrecognisdd and underresourced considering the profound consequences for survivors. I understand @Till23 has been involved in some advocacy work but I'm not aware of the details.

Hi @Chantarelle sorry for this delayed reply.. As I said in my previous post, I am not on the forums much these days.. It would be great if a couple of sessions of therapy could resolve all of our problems! but unfortunately for anyone with a complex MH disorder that is highly unlikely to be true.

I agree that you cannot change your past, things happened and no amount of therapy will change that. I think that people have different aims when they go to therapy. I think at the start, especially, it's actually hard to know what the aims are, they are probably broad, like I just want to feel better or not have problem A or behaviour B or wish I could do C.

I also agree that you are a survivor. Unfortunately, sometimes other people think that survivor means you are completely ok and have no after effects of abuse. So some people don't like that term. A lot of people use victim-survivor. Because you were a victim of a crime and you survived it.

I agree also that survivorship is not straightforward and I think there are similarities with other survivors, but just as everyone's abuse was different everyone's experience of life after abuse will be different. I also think (and there is evidence for this) that the support a victim received at the time of disclosure, makes a marked difference to their survivorship journey. I also was expected to live together with the perpetrator after disclosure.

There is now at least some recognition that difficulty with dealing with your possessions is reasonably common in abuse/trauma survivors. I have a degree of this, like boxes I have not unpacked when I moved. So the "junk" room that I never seem to get around to addressing.

As I have only recently tried to address my abuse history and the response to disclosure, I'm still not sure what my life will look like in the future. I do know that recovery is not a linear process.

As @Dimity mentioned, I do a small amount of Lived Experienced work. It's the space of trying to make healthcare better for those with a history of CSA. I would like to do more to assist survivors.

I hope that you can find the support, whatever that looks like for you, to be able to live the life you'd like and in the way that you would like to.

Hey @Till23 I greatly appreciate you taking the time to reply. I don't get on here as much as I should. To be honest, it kind of feels like another obligation that I need to procrastinate though I know that's the opposite of what it should be. And I can't describe the value that I get out of hearing people say I understand. But people won't say that to me if I don't log in and chat to them!

It's been a long time since I felt that liberation at being called a survivor. I think I still prefer that term over victim but even when you're labelled with CSA or mental illness or any other labels - people are still individuals and different things work for different people. And even something that works today might not fit in a year.

I wonder sometimes how much my mental health issues are linked to the abuse. I mean it makes sense that if you get abused, and have no support, that you come out a bit messed up, but again, not sure how it helps to know that. The reason that I first joined this forum is because I'm REALLY struggling to get my house clean. And it's not so much the cleaning, it's the overwhelming feeling of complete uselessness that comes with it. @Dimity has been amazing in again, letting me know I'm not alone, that people understand. But none of that rewinds the abuse or gets me the energy to get up and clean my kitchen.

I don't know how true it is but I feel like I've had a few things that have triggered the abuse memories lately. It's not on purpose, but EVERY book I've read this year has had a child assaulted in it. Which I can deal with, if I wasn't coping with that I'd absolutely avoid them. But I think with all the triggering I've allowed some memories to surface and that's making shopping and cleaning difficult. Again, not sure if it's true, or I'm just making excuses, but it feels true. I've had crazy weird dreams too (things like preparing for my own death, no illness or suicide, just knowing that I won't be alive at the end of the day) that must mean there's stuff going on in my subconscious.

Man, I'm not even sure what I've written here. I finally got off my butt tonight to cook dinner so taking a couple of minutes to do this while the pasta boils. Feel free to ignore it if it doesn't make sense. But I appreciate you both reaching out ❤️

Actually, now that I think about it, the way I feel about my house is the same as the way I feel about the abuse. Try not to think about it, feels like it's happening to someone else. I didn't cause it, but it's my fault that it's still happening. And a deep sense of shame.

Not sure what any of that means. Maybe nothing...

@Till23 @Dimity

Hi @Chantarelle,, I don't think there is any "should" about getting on the forums.. I am not on the forums very often either.. When I first joined the forum,, I was on a lot more often,, but not so much now.. I think it's best to take things as they are and don't feel obligated, as you say, everyone is different.

Some people do feel that understanding where their MH struggles arose from is helpful. Some people get a kind of relief from diagnoses. Also, if you know some of these things; diagnosis, origin of MH issues, you can try and address it in therapy etc

I think I can understand the feeling of uselessness, when you are unable to do things. I have recently been clearing up my father's place after he passed away and it made me realise I need to get my things in much more order and I feel terrible about it. I have had the feeling before, but it has brought it much more in focus and it has caused me to struggle a bit lately.

I also go through periods of seeming to get triggered more often. I had a very difficult time when I was going through treatment for my cancers. That was what got me into treatment for effects of CSA in my life, and also how I ended up on forums.

I'm not sure if you have any treatment regarding the effects of CSA, but it sounds with the dreams you are in a kind of heightened state about it. I could be just assuming that, but it seems that way when I read your post. So I'm wondering if looking into some treatment might help.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, it sounds like currently is a difficult time.

I also cooked pasta tonight.

"Actually, now that I think about it, the way I feel about my house is the same as the way I feel about the abuse. Try not to think about it, feels like it's happening to someone else. I didn't cause it, but it's my fault that it's still happening. And a deep sense of shame."

I'm still digesting that @Chantarelle. You've struck a chord.