Angry and alone

Mine has always been there .I never felt like I fit in,introvert,in some ways I need the space of being alone,and then there's the anger of why my life is s***. Basically I never felt at peace with myself,overweight at a young age,never felt comfortable in my own skin,always self consciousThis contributed greatly to my anxiety, depression and breakdown from life.Can you relate your feelings to anything?

Yep I'm another introverted person here too @Former-Member. I used to fit in a bit but not in the right places, and not anymore. That sounds like some tough feelings to deal with and it makes sense that the ongoing effects could contribute like that.

@utopia sorry to hear that you're struggling with being stuck in the loop. Did you manage to find a way to address the issue tonight, or a way yo set it aside til morning?

Can you identify if it's depression TheVorticon? or you just have feelings of alienation,isolation etc?How long have you felt this way?

@utopia sleep can be good too, sometimes can be the best form of self care.

@Former-Member Honestly I don't know. The alienation/disconnection this time has been building for a few months and was upsetting me for awhile but at least temporarily morphed into something weirder.

Depression has many faces.I don't know your age ,see a doctor if you get worse,but I advise you to attempt to get on top of it yourself if possible whether it is through exercise,a holiday and basic self care.Do your best to avoid a train wreck,wish I did more.

In one sense I feel quite a bit better than I have done in a while. There are pros and cons of this feeling/thought pattern sticking around, but I want to hold onto the good part.

I wish I could explain what I'm thinking but I'm not sure that it will make sense to anyone here either.

Edit: I'm just going to try to explain anyway.

So at the moment when I'm feeling angry about the isolation stuff, I start thinking that if I'm not part of society, why should I play by everyone else's rules? Why should I care about XYZ thing that other people care about? Why should anyone go about their life just doing what's expected and what's "right" by society's standards? I have violent thoughts, and they make me feel amped up, powerful, almost excited. I know I can't act on the thoughts, I know they're incorrect, that they don't represent how I usually think. But they feel good at the moment. They've been happening for about 2 weeks but might be fading off, but I don't really want them to fade if that takes away the good feeling.

The last time I had thoughts like this was as a teenager when I was struggling pretty hard emotionally, but they didn't have quite the same sort of 'good feeling' with them then. There's quite a few things different now vs. then.

I don't think it's worth seeing a psychologist about. Not when it brings good feelings and I'm not at risk of doing any of the things I think about. It just sucks because I'm not sure if I can/should indulge in those thoughts and kind of have to keep them to myself if I don't want to sound psychopathic, when it's really just linked to anger that can and will eventually pass.

Hi @TheVorticon, Wow, it must be really tough that you've tried to share this stuff with people and they have brushed you off. I imagine it takes quite a bit of courage to share it. It sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness about how the violent thoughts are only thoughts, and that you have neither the desire nor intention to act on them.

I don't think we do need to live by society's standards so much...but it is important to live true to our own values and beliefs, and I noticed that you said you know these thoughts don't represent how you usually think so I'm guessing that you don't condone acts of violence.

It sounds like you are really self-aware that the thoughts are just thoughts and that they are linked to anger. I wonder if there are any safe and healthy ways you can express that anger. When I have big angry feelings, I find that I can dump them through safe physical activity. For example, at the moment I am ripping up my perfectly good back lawn because smashing the ground up with a mattock helps me to dump my big feelings. I have been taught that it is perfectly ok to dump giant angry feelings so long as I don't harm myself, others or property in the process (although I figure it is ok to destroy my lawn because it's MY lawn ).

I'm glad you recognise that the angry feelings will pass. That is a mantra that I live by - "it will pass" I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing here. I hope it helped in some little way.

Sometimes I get angry because I am alone, but often it is because of a reaction to behaviour of others who did not respect me or my space.

So I finally am able to see my anger in isolation and know its triggers .. and yes that it will pass.

@TheVorticon I think it takes courage to write your last post .. I am believeing you that you wont act out on "destructive to others" thoughts.

Yes I think most people like the sensations of feeling powerful .. beats being beaten ..but sometimes we all freak out about the levels ...and to keep a lid on it to maintain some rationality ..

Now I am at the position that its all a question of how much ..

how much space .. I also love my solitude and freedom and have no problems with boredom or entertaining myself.

Too much isolation .. I feel weird and uncomfortable and hesitant about whether to speak and what to say .. and I do feel triggered if others all seem to be having a great time ..

how much togetherness ??

I had too much togetherness .. group orphanages ..big family .. shortage of resources and things not managed properly

and with who ..

Society only works if we actually believe in pro social values .. I certainly dont share values with most social butterflies, and have no intention of changing that.