Angry and alone

Yeah that's what I mean and does make sense @utopia.

I've never been good at setting finite goals. So I suppose that's a goal in itself to get better at that.

I found a thingy that lists 7 "dimensions" of life and each person has to choose which of those to put their energy towards. I'm going to think of it like a computer game character where you gain skill points as you level up, but there are a finite number of skill points and you have to invest them towards skills that you want your character to have. It's no good investing in two-handed heavy weaponry if you want to play as a stealth archer. But I still need to figure out what character I want to play as in the short and long term.

Honestly my motivation feels like it's been on a downward slide for the last 4 years so it feels less like a cycle and more like a toboggan run. I can recognise cycles in other things, but not really motivation. I don't think living with a housemate was a good move for me in that respect, because my motivation became very time-limit based (e.g. I'll have the house to myself for an hour, so I MUST cook dinner during that hour for the whole week because this is the only time I'll get) - so I'd feel motivated to do the thing in advance and to start with I'd be excited about my opportunity to cook a certain thing, but by the end of my time living there I'd hate having to fit into this stupid insane schedule I'd created for myself based on someone else's movements. And I'd give up and not meet the schedule, then be stuck with the consequences (e.g. rubbish dinners prepared hastily in 5 mins trying to avoid people). But I can't say that that's persisted the whole time since moving to a place on my own so I guess it might be a cycle? I don't know.

I spent most of today feeling annoyed and ready to snap, but dragged myself out of it with a session of pokemon go after work. Now just blah again.

@utopia the 7 dimensions thing was from an online article called "No, You Can't Have It All" by Eric C Sinoway (not sure if I'm allowed to link to it) and were:

• Family (parents, children, siblings, in-laws, and so on)

• Social and community (friendships and community engagement)

• Spiritual (religion, philosophy, or emotional outlook)

• Physical (health and well-being)

• Material (physical environment and possessions)

• Avocational (hobbies and other nonprofessional activities)

• Career (both short- and long-term perspectives)

I'd never imagined I'd see "good with people" and a reference to me in the same sentence @Former-Member! I can sometimes pull it off online, but certainly not verbally or in-person.

Does it still count as an interest if I never do it? Or have only done it once and failed miserably, but still want to do it again when I get around to it? If yes, then gaming, model making and robotics.

I think I generally become more dorky the more I relax, although there are very few people who I'm comfortable talking to. I don't mind being dorky around the right people, it's the nervousness around everyone else that's the problem.

Sorry to hear that you've had to deal with the "disconnected anger" thing too. You've described it well in a way I can relate to. I think we are talking about the same sort of thing. Sometimes it goes into a weird zone where the anger drops off and it just seems like a game, an amusing, exhillerating thrill to feel the same energy without active anger, but I know where it came from. That's where I was at when I started this thread and recognised I needed help out of that weird place. I've been getting back out of there.

Good luck with getting through that brain fog. It's good that you're looking after you while navigating the issues with your daughter. I hope the uplifting things help you feel better soon.

Preface: "Just thoughts"

I know it's too far gone when homicide starts to look justified or even appealing. Line in the sand where it's time to chill and avoid.

Edit: Sick of my bullshit. Still so angry about everything and nothing and it keeps coming back.

😞

I will be, sometime later @Former-Member