I am riding a wave.

We are here with you @Phoenix_Rising. Come over to 'Am Not Coping' (in Something's not right) and take a look at some of @Faith-and-Hope 's last few posts. You don't need to talk - just sit with us and we will sit with you - and hold your head above the waves until the tide goes out and you are safely back on land

hello @Phoenix_Rising

you are expressing your feelings very well.

you are experiencing the depth of them and that in itself is very frightening.

crashing through the waves is an expression or something very similar that I read during a mindfulness course I did part of. It resonated strongly with me because of my affinity with water. For me if i am able to ground myself, which in itself is a gigantic task, i try to recall a time in my life where I was very aware of myself. Often I am taken back to the beach, the waves, the sand.

You are actually working very hard at managing, wading through heavy experiences. The very fact that you are putting them into words and sharing them with us is a huge step. People in real life would not be able to understand therefore would not cope - not with you but your pain. We can.

You are a very strong lady, you are dealing with much pain and are still here sharing with us. We are here, not always the same ones, but part of the collective us, part of this family and help that the mental health system support comes nowhere near.

We cannot diagnose, suggest cures but we can read your words.

Stay with us, we know you are in great pain, as so many others often say, we are walking or sitting alongside you. I do not take credit for any of these expressions as I have read so much depth of support and love on here.

believe in yourself as we believe in you and I will take my own advice and try to do the same xxx sending you the sound of a rushing stream in a woodland far away in a magical place xxxxx

hope not too deep i find myself saying again xxx

Hi,

I am riding a wave of grief and loneliness. My brain is fried after multiple losses over the past 18 months and I'm just super struggling with it right now. For me, social isolation doesn't just mean not having someone to call or be with when I'm super struggling, it also means not having someone to just hang out with and do normal stuff with. I connected super well with my uni counsellor and after I graduated at the end of 2015, that relationship had to end. I am still grieving intensely for her. I know that if things had worked out with the psychologist she found me, I would be in a much better space by now. However that psychologist closed her practice, then I had seven awful attempts with seven less-than-ideal therapists, and now I have settled with therapist-take-nine, but it still isn't like it was with the uni counsellor.

I am also super struggling with the fact that even though I know the extremely complex relationship I was in with my psychologist of sixteen years was abusive and unhealthy, it was still the most intense and long-term relationship I have ever had with anyone. I am SO confused about that whole muddle...but amidst all the confusion, I really miss him. It was abusive, unethical, and unhealthy...but I really really really miss him.

I super like my new psychologist and I am hopeful that in time we will manage to sort out at least some of my muddle, but I'm not sure if I am ever going to actually feel ok inside. Sometimes I lie in bed and simply contemplate how the heck life can become so complex. How could I get myself out of the muddle I found myself in as a young teen with a church leader who took a "special interest" in me, only to then fall into whatever-the-heck-that-was with my psychologist? I feel sad, confused, lost and hopeless.

I think I am also struggling a bit because as I float around the forums, I see all the chatter about the various strategies that help people get through the day. I am yet to determine if there is anything beyond simply getting through one day only to then struggle through the next one. I know I can use all those strategies to keep myself alive...I'm just not sure that I want to anymore. If I knew that by keeping myself alive for six months, or a year or two years or five years, it will eventually be worth it, then sure, I can do that. But I've been using all those strategies for TWENTY YEARS and yet I do not have a life that I consider worth living. I'm tired. If all I'm ever going to do is survive one day, simply to then try and survive the next, then I don't see a lot of point in that.

Anyway, that's my rant for the day. I don't need anyone to try and "fix" it. There is nothing you can say that I haven't already heard ten thousand times before. Nor do I need you to "help" me ride the wave. I simply need to feel less alone while I ride it. I need to feel heard and like there is someone riding along with me.

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

Find you corner, bring your blanket and little turtle and let the waves wash over you.

Riding them with you

Zoe

I made this two years ago @Phoenix_Rising and kept it as my screen shot on my phone. Today I'm giving it to you so you know I'm riding the wave with you too. Been riding a few of my own lately.. 💜🤗

oops too tired had the wrong metaphor before 😳😳😳

@Former-Member Thank you. I did see where you had posted this on another thread the other day. Yep, that's definitely me

@Phoenix_Rising I know you don't need anyone to try and "fix" anything or 'help' you - and I am not going to presume to try. What I do want to do is to tell you you are not alone and I am riding the wave right beside you - holding you up if needed and helping you to swim when the waves are getting too big.

Social isolation is a place I have been for so long. This is by both necessity and choice - both so I don't continue to be hurt, used, abused and let-down. I do not have anyone that I can just pick up the phone and call - other than my GP - no friends as such, just aquaintances - and these are mainly through work - and I am not at work atm so any form of social interaction is minimal - the occasional supermarket visit, the chemist, the psychologist and the medical centre - that is my life!!!

That all encompassing, long-term relationship which was abusive and unhealthy is exactly where I was many years ago and it nearly ended my life. I can't get over that - and I don't know if I ever will. It is too hard to confront and way too hard to talk about. It was a very different 'relationship' to the one you had but the impact of how toxic it was still remains with me every day.

The latest 'relationship' I had with someone who I saw as a friend is still really affecting me. I opened up and trusted someone and now they are not in my life I miss them more and more each day. I miss having that person I love and care about being around, I miss hearing their voice, I miss them helping me to get to sleep when I am really struggling, and I just miss them. I didn't think it had affected me as much as it has - but it really has!!

Don't take on board too much of what is said around strategies - the fact is we can talk about them and try to implement them for ourselves - but every one is different. I had a similar conversation with @Former-Member last night. For me - when I are feeling so low there really isn't any strategy that actually works - and one that works one time will not necessarily work the next time. I found it extremely difficult doing my safety plan because I knew that whatever 'strategies' I had on there - in the really, really dark times - I would not be able to do any of them. So just like you - I will have to ride the wave until it either takes me under or I reach the shore again. It is a horrible place to be and a horrible feeling to have!

For over 20 years I have been surviving each day - just 'exisitng' - not being able to, or wanting to, see a future. I don't actually know how I have managed to do some of the things I have done and continued to live this long. Each day is a battle with 'just getting through' and not wanting to at the same time.

I do see that it takes some strength to live like this but it is also so draining. There is only so much energy that can be put into 'existing' every day. Is there a light at the end of this - MAYBE. Can I see the light right now - NO. But that does not mean that it is not there - just that we haven't been able to find a path yet that will lead us there.

Riding with you @Phoenix_Rising

Zoe

hello @Phoenix_Rising @Zoe7

I am not going to write some great lengthy response as I am inclined to do.

This is too painful for me to be able to put into words any response.

I hear you, you are important to me, you have both been there for me and I am not going to stop being here for you. I might not respond to every post but I am here.

I am listening. xxxx

I am super super super super struggling. I just got back from seeing my GP. She is trying to get hold of my psychologist. I am in crisis and there is no-one to call and nowhere to go. My brain is flooded. I need help but there is no one to call and nowhere to go. I know how to use my "I need help" statement but there is no-one to hear it. I know my GP is stressed about me. My 15 minute appointment turned into 45 minutes and I felt bad for making her other patients wait. I so badly badly badly need a human being here right now and there is no-one. @Former-Member are you around? I didn't really want to post on the forum because I know anything anyone suggests is likely to further escalate the situation, but I don't have any other way to connect with anyone right now.