Battles

@MissGremlin *hugs* I'm sorry hun, that sounds painful. I didn't know you had children, other than your fur-baby Casper of course! If it would help you to talk about it and/or what you would say to them if only you could, then know I am here to listen. If it would not help (worsen) you to do so, then I don't want to make things worse for you obviously!

Do you have any plans for today?

Go me - I have already done 1 load of washing! (my clothes). And now I have the first of 4 blankets that need washing in the machine whilst my dogs are on their walk for an hour. And its not yet 9:30am!

And other than hanging out that blanket (and the cleaning clothes I threw in with it) I reckon that is enough housework for me today. I see my counsellor later, and then after that my GP for my blood test results (so that he can then release them, apparently its not only my insulin levels that are outside of normal. I am insulin-resistant, so abnormal insulin level is normal for me lol but i am curious as to how it is tracking currently whilst I have been looking after my eating habits). I'm not worried about my blood test results - most things can be fixed with supplements; and its very unlikely for my liver or kidney to suddenly be abnormal (the only 2 that i really care about currently because I need them to be fine for my upcoming treatment lol).

I may be sparser on the forum though today - because of those appointments but also because I did not get much sleep at all last night so I'm pretty dopey-brain tired currently. And I'm feeling I may need some self-time doing painting or something today so I don't overwhelm my tired-brain and system.

Thankyou @AlwaysMyself sweet ❤️.

I need to have a shower but that's my only plan for the day. I've done my dishes and had a sandwich to eat.

Well done, you've done so well to do some washing, I'm proud of you ☺️. Hoping your appointment with the counsellor goes well for you and that your blood test results are all ok enough to continue with the upcoming trial. I'm insulin resistant aswell as was discovered when I had my last blood test but my doctor doesn't seem worried about it given that I eat well and I'm usually active during the day but it makes losing weight hard.

A day for some self care after having little sleep and also having things on today is perfectly ok. I'm hoping the day goes gently on you and you can relax with your painting or something else.

Sending love and hugs your way sweet ❤️.

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@MissGremlin wrote:

Late night thoughts and not being able to sleep so once again here we are trying to get things out. (I'm safe).

I opened my mouth and let honesty spill, a small, shaking truth I was scared to reveal.

I thought if I shared it, the weight might feel less, but shame rushed right in and made a home in my chest.

My voice shook with courage, then trembled with doubt, the words once released, there was no pulling out.

I replayed each sentence, each pause, every sound, wondering which part of me shouldn’t be found.

Why am I here if I take up this space?

Why does my presence feel wrong, out of place?

Why do I feel like a burden to bear, like the world would move smoother if I wasn’t there?

I ask what I’m worth when I try and still fall, when effort feels useless, when nothing goes right at all.

I opened myself and all I can see is the quiet suspicion there’s something wrong with me.

I opened my heart, but instead of relief, I stood in the wreckage of self-disbelief.

As if being honest exposed some proof that I’m flawed at the core, beyond repair, beyond truth.

So I sit with the questions that won’t let me rest, with the shame, with the doubt, with the ache in my chest.

No answers arrive only echoes that stay, as I wonder, again, why I’m here anyway.

@Jynx @AuntGlow @rav3n

@avant-garde @Bunniekins wanted to share this one with you, hope that's ok.

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This is was so beautifully written, and I think for many of us, very relatable. Please don't ever stop writing. @MissGremlin

I absolutely thought of how much @avant-garde and @NightFury would appreciate this too. 🥰

How are you feeling today? What are your updates?

Thankyou @AuntGlow . I'm struggling so much at the moment (I'm safe). If you go back a couple of pages you'll see a poem i wrote yesterday to say how I'm feeling.

Hello @NightFury my sweet, checking in with you ❤️

I just read through, thank you for sharing @MissGremlin 💛

I can't even begin to imagine how painful things must be for you right now... but I really want to commend your courage in sharing. I also want to note how heartwarming it was to see the community be there for you during this moment. You have so much love and understanding around you.

I don't want to dismiss or change how you are feeling, you're experiencing something so incredibly human, so I just want to sit with you in this space. Sending you big hugs. 🥰

Thankyou @AuntGlow ❤️. I'm very thankful for the community here although I've found it difficult at times to stay connected.

I'm worried that things aren't shifting though, but rather going further downhill if that is at all possible (I'm safe). I do reach out to a crisis service when I need to but then shut down after saying how I'm feeling/thinking cos I just can't maintain a conversation with everything that's going on inside my head.

I feel so stuck on what to do.

I'm about to have an iced coffee and try to cool off after being out in my hot car.

Hi @MissGremlin I've just been reading a bit of your thread. I am so sorry that you are in the position that you are.

Your poem is so discriptive of how you are feeling.

I am sorry that you are not getting much sleep.

Not that this thread is about me, but I also have had times of little sleep, with very frequent nightmares and sometimes I wake up in sleep paralysis, which can last for up to 2hrs, other times I awake in a panic, so I feel I can understand to at least some extent.

I am wondering if you have a safe haven anywhere around you, which is a place you can go and find peer support there, at least that's how the one kind of near me operates. Unfortunately the hours are restricted, for example it is not open this evening.

I haven't been around the forums much due to decline in my MH and like you, I think, having nothing in my cup to give to others. Every couple of days I can maybe post something I hope is supportive.

I actually thought an hour or so ago I might go and sit in the ED waiting room, not register, but just sit there, but I realised my current psychomotor agitation would call attention to myself. I had a psych appointment this morning and I could barely stay in the seat, that's after (according to my fitbit) I got 1hr 25mins sleep last night.

Anyhow enough about me, I suppose I just wanted to say I see you and you are not alone in how you are feeling.

It's lovely that you have had support from some of the other forums members.

I also think it's shows how incredible thoughtful and compassionate you are that you supported other members given how you have been

Also I am very glad you have the unconditional support of Casper

In the last couple of days I have decided to talk to my dogs (deceased) just so I don't feel so alone

@AlwaysMyself @AuntGlow @Jynx

Hi @MissGremlin this week has been huge and emotional and I feel absolutely exhausted.

How has today been?

Hello @Till23, it's always lovely to hear from you sweet ❤️.

Thankyou for the kind words and understanding. Not getting enough sleep can affect us in so many ways and the sleep paralysis is horrible. I'm sorry you've experienced these things aswell.

There's a walk in clinic that's close to me that also do appointments but they rejected my referral last month so I have zero interest in getting any support from them.

I'm sorry your MH has been declining, know that I'm always here if you ever want to chat sweetheart. Just remember that you are always deserving of coming here for support even if you can't give support to others.

That's a tough spot to be in, can relate to not being able to keep still. Have you got anyone you can call to sit with you or even just talk to on the phone sweetheart?

I'm very thankful to have Casper and he really does help alot when I'm in a panic. I know your pain of not having your dogs with your but I'm glad you have been talking to them and I hope it brings you some comfort, they might be gone physically but they are still always with us.

Sending you love and hugs beautiful, I'm always here for you ❤️.