@MissGremlin
Don't beat yourself up, it's hard. I talked to my counselor yesterday about my GP appointment tomorrow. How the last time he spoke to me he suggested I need to speak to an interstate oncologist and that he could arrange it like he did for the Hong Kong oncologist I spoke to just over a month ago. So he's offered to set this up for me, I know he's happy to do it. I know it's very important for me, especially now. But I told my counselor yesterday that knowing all this, and knowing I have absolutely no reason not to do it, I still fear that in the moment, sitting there with my GP... if he doesn't bring it up, I might not. It's mainly down to how introverted I used to be and the extreme anxiety that I still remember so well. I know it's easier now and like I said, I know my GP has actually offered to set this up for me a couple of weeks ago. I think I will ask him about it tomorrow, but I'm just not sure I won't sit there, knowing I should ask... but decide to not say anything... and it worries me because I know I need to in the event he doesn't bring it up.
The mind is a complicated thing. Past trauma and current stressors and probably depression stop us doing things we know we should. Even if we see absolutely no down side to it. It's just that part of our brain that thinks emotionally, not rationally, takes over. It's how we've developed to try and feel safe throughout our lives. And it can take a lot to fight against it.
So it's not a failure or weakness for you this morning... just a reflection of the trauma, stress, and depression in your life that you're fighting without much support around you.
It might have been easier if you had a trusted person with you in the car this morning you could talk to when you started doubting you wanted to go in for this appointment. It may have made all the difference to have someone like that there with you at that moment.
So people who experience it understand why you found it so difficult this morning. Maybe the experience helps you next time you feel this way, maybe not. But it's not weakness or failure. Its long term stress and anxiety and all the rest, and we do the best we can to fight it... but it's a powerful beast and the strongest of us will have losses.
We just need to talk about it with people we can and find little ways to fight it. For me, I think if nothing else, the thought of having to go back to my counselor and tell her I chicken out tomorrow may be the thought that gets me over the line of asking my GP if I need to. Talking about these things helps me a lot. It's not about understanding it, none of it makes any rational sense to any of us! But if we can find people who will talk to us about it without judgement and dismissiveness it can become easier to overcome. Or at least overcome sometimes... and that's a huge win.
Well, I've rambled on again... there's a shock! 😜. Just try not to feel too bad. We do what we always do and try again. It just helps to talk about it between attempts.
