Battles

Thanks @Bunniekins ❤️.

Thanks for that @MJG017, very much needed ❤️.

@MJG017 I know how hard it is for you to bring things up with your gp sometimes, would handing him a note to say it be an option? I'm hopeful that your gp will bring it up so you don't have to but just trying to think of other ideas to make it easier on you if he doesn't.

The mind is definitely complicated and I hate how it goes into defence mode to try to protect me even when it's doing more harm than good.

That's the thing I was supposed to have someone coming with me but at last minute that changed (there was still the hope that they were going to make it but just a little late) so the fact that I even made it to the appointment and tried to wait for them to show up but they didn't. It kind of hurt even more cos I was so prepared in that moment to go through with the appointment but when I rang the person and they said they couldn't make it, that was it, in that moment I felt so let down and knew I couldn't go through with it.

I know i haven't replied to everything you said but that's as much as my brain will allow me to right now.

That's okay @MissGremlin I'm glad you're prioritising yourself at the moment, just connect here as it's helpful for you. We're here for you

Thanks @Ru-bee. Just not quite sure what to do at the moment.

@Ru-bee @AuntGlow @rav3n @Jynx anyone around for a chat please?

@MissGremlinMy counselor suggested the exact same thing... write it down and if i can't say it, hand him the note. I just said that's no different, i just wouldn't hand him the note. Which is true. It feels weirder to hand a note than say something for me.

I think that would make it so much harder for me! If i had planned to have someone come along with me to make it easier, my mind would be ready for that. If that was changed at the last moment than panic would take over and I just wouldn't feel like I was ready to do it. I totally understand that you felt prepared for the moment, but you were prepared for a different moment... a moment where there was someone with you. A new and different moment was thrust on you at the last minute! I don;t blame you for not going through with it because i know how much it must have thrown you and the anxiety must have just shot up too much.

In case you can't read all that at the moment... be kind to yourself about this morning. You did your best in a situation that was upended on you at the last minute. Its understandable that you didn't feel like you could go through with it.

@MJG017 yeah I understand you there, I wouldn't be able to hand a note over either.

That's exactly it, i was somewhat ok knowing that someone was going to be with me but I was driving to the appointment when I got the phone call to say that they will hopefully still make it but may be late. My appointment was at 10am and I waited until 10.30 then I rang to see if the person was able to come which was confirmed that no they couldn't. The person I was meant to be seeing tried to encourage me to talk to them but I froze and started shaking, I couldn't make eye contact with them and said I'm sorry i can't and left. I hate that I couldn't go through it but reliving that much trauma, not having anyone there and then going home alone wouldn't have been wise.

I've punished myself so much since I've been home in many ways. I'm annoyed that the person couldn't come but more annoyed at myself for not being able to do it myself.

Anyway, thankyou for the kind words I really do appreciate it ❤️

@MissGremlin

I probably don't need to say it, but you know me... I will anyway! 😁

You can be upset of course but really try not to punish yourself. It's perfectly valid to have that freeze response in a situation like that. It's so, SO hard to react rationally when were are surprised like that and those trauma responses kick in. We need time to quiet them and allow the rational side of our brain to (hopefully) take over and make us do something challenging. You just weren't given that time sadly. Like if I turn up tomorrow and he's sick or he's not there and i have to see someone i don't know, I know it will completely throw me off and I very much doubt I will bring anything up... i'll just wait until I see him next. Because that's the situation i've mentally prepared for. Is it rational? No. Is it wise? No. Is it something i should be ashamed of? (Part of me wants to say yes, but...) No! Its just those trauma responses using something unplanned or unexpected to ambush me. It's so easy for someone who doesn't experience them or understand what it's like to say how easy it should have been!

I'm proud of you for doing as much as you did. You waited for a while and then called them. You tried until it all became too much and you were overwhelmed. Nothing to feel bad about.

Sure @MissGremlin anything in particular you wanna chat about? 😁

Hiiii @MJG017 👋