Battles

@MJG017 i just want to feel something other than hurt, fear, anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, hatred. Why can't I just feel happy or at least just ok? When are things going to stop?

@MissGremlin

I know. It can be so overwhelming. People tell me to look for the positives at times like this. It feels like there are none, but I do find it helps even if I can only think of one or two. If nothing else, just trying to think of some positives is a distraction in itself! It's like trying to solve a Rubik's cube a lot of them time!

Sometimes even spite works for me. Pure damn stubbornness! I think the universe has made life so unnecessarily difficult for me... seemingly on purpose, so it can f... right off! I'm not going to let it stop me! It may be like a small child who is having a tanty in the corner because they were told off for not tidying their room, but it sometimes works for me. Maybe because I'm an incredibly spiteful person. 😁

@MJG017 I can't find any positives right now. See Rubik's cubes I can solve, my life that's a different story. I vacuumed my house, that counts as a distraction right? Can confirm that Casper is not a fan of the vacuum cleaner 😂.

The universe has definitely made things unnecessarily difficult for you. I just don't know how to manage everything and how I'm feeling. Like my go to strategy is just inflicting pain on myself as punishment cos I feel like i deserve it. I'm supposed to have my doctors appointment today but I'm going to have to change it to a phone call cos I can't leave Casper alone yet, which really sucks cos there's things I needed my doctor to check. This is one of the fears I had about getting a puppy is the restrictions on me being able to get out and do things, last time I had help and had someone to watch puppy while I had to do things, well I don't have that anymore.

@MissGremlin

Okay, so I need to give you the Rubik's Cubes and I'll work on finding the positive things. I think I've just given myself the far harder task 🤔😁

I can't say I like the vacuum either. I usually go and hide under the bed. Then someone will need to try and coax me out with a broom once the vacuum is off.

I'm kind of found myself in a position this weekend where I spent most of it asking myself "Do I really need to work any of this out?" I wonder if that time would be better spent just trying to find what positives I can. I mean, it would be a pretty quick search but there's a chance I find some things. Trying to work this out feels like an impossible task. I think it's like just trying to find the path of least resistance. Make things easier. It will likely never be easy, but even a little tiny bit easier is something id take right now.

If Casper is a support dog, can you take him with you to the GP? I have no idea how these things work. It is a problem not being able to leave him at the moment, but do the positives outweigh the negatives at the moment with having him in your life. Since COVID, out GP clinic will.have you wait in the car for the GP to come out to you if you have flu like symptoms. Maybe something similar could be done. I'm not sure how much Casper would like being in the car though. I'm just throwing ideas at you again... feel free to filter them out. I don't want to overwhelm you any more right now.

We're thinking about getting one of those microchip controlled cat feeders. Luna just keeps scoffing hers down then attacking what's left in the others bowls. She's like a food black hole! Everytime anyone walks in the general direction of the food bowl, she runs up to it expecting it to be filled. It doesn't even matter if she's just been fed! I know she uses a lot of energy during the day but she just acts like she's in a constant state of "I haven't been fed in days!"

@MJG017 I'll take Rubik's cubes any day over trying to find positives 😂.

Casper found the smallest spot in the house to hide in and then cried like a baby when i had finished cos he wanted cuddles 😂. I mean to be fair it is pretty noisy but I'm sure he will get used to it in time.

It's hard when it doesn't feel like there's much to work out, it's like it's just a waiting game as to what treatment comes next. Trying to find the positives and the path of least resistance could be helpful to make life a bit easier at the moment.

He can't be registered as an assistance dog until he is at least 6 months old and even then while still in training there's limitations on where he can and can't go. I'm glad our doctors scrapped all that but I do remember it well, now it's just a matter of wearing a mask if you have those flu like symptoms. Casper loves being in the car but it's a bit warmer today with the sun shining and I don't want him to overheat. I've made it a telehealth appointment but I'm going to have to work something out cos I do need to see him in person.

Sounds like Luna has a very good appetite, not helpful when you have other cats though cos she will eat hers and their leftovers 😂. Microchip feeder would definitely help to control the food intake. Casper will lay in between the 2 food containers, it's like he is saying i need food even though he only ate a short time ago 😂. She may have had to fight for her food with her litter mates, or she is just a very hungry cat that just loves her food.

@MJG017 @rav3n @Jynx @Ru-bee am I really that bad of a person that i can't be helped? Is it true that I really am just a lost cause?

I tried reaching out even though I didn't see a point. But anyway the person went through a grounding exercise with me that left me triggered despite me telling them that I do get triggered by smell and taste, so at the end they asked me if it helped which i replied no cos I was feeling even worse, the reply was just 'that's a shame, I'm not sure what else I can do'. Then they asked if I'm engaged with a psychologist, so I told them the situation and how I've been hurt by them before. All I got sent after that was 'well if your not willing to see a psychologist and the grounding exercise didn't do anything then I can't help you, take care and have a good day'. Then the chat was ended.

So I'm honestly questioning whether I can be helped or if I'm worth helping.

Hey @MissGremlin I can understand how this experience would have you feeling like this, but I just want to stress that this is about that person's ability to help you and not about whether you can or deserve to be helped. To me, just their inability to modify a grounding exercise to your needs shows me that they may not be too experienced, as there are plenty of other ways to ground without touching on taste and smell. I don't point that out to be critical of them, just to highlight that it's likely just a mismatch of skills and needs, it does not mean that there aren't others out there with the skills and willingness to help, and it does not mean that you are not worthy of help.

Hi @Ru-bee, thanks for your reply. It's not just this experience though, there's so many which really leaves me questioning everything. I have had others modify that particular grounding exercise for me cos I've told them that smell and taste trigger me but this person just didn't seem to care.

@MissGremlin

You're definitely not a lost cause and most definitely worth helping. You've just been through, and going through a lot of really difficult things in your life. And that is just unfortunately beyond the skillset for a lot of people to handle.

I've never worked on a crisis help line or done much training. I've done a little bit, but even before i did that my answer here would be the same. If it was me talking to you and i didn't have any more ideas of how to help... which is so often the case... i'd just ask if you'd like to talk about it, and just be there to listen.

You would know far better than me, but that seems like a reasonable step to take. Sometime all we can do is just listen and be there for someone. The fact you told them the triggers with smell and taste, but they wanted you to do it anyway just seems to me to indicate they failed at the first hurdle and weren't listening to what you said. How can they help in any way if they don't listen?!

I get the same thing with people telling me about grounding exercises and meditation/mindfulness. It just doesn't work for me. If i'm spending all my time trying to keep my mind distracted... to avoid silence and doing nothing, because that's when the anxiety and depression starts to take hold... sitting there quietly while doing nothing doesn't help me at all. I need to be doing something! But it works for people and if you reject their advice for any reason then they see it as you're ignoring them. Which is ironic, as they're ignoring what you're trying to tell them. My current psychologist listens to me and tried to understand and we work within that. She's been helpful so far in my first 2 session with her. The fact those 2 sessions have gone for almost 4 hours in total doesn't hurt 😁 But its not cheap, even with the refund for the MHCP. I used a free oncology psychology service before, last year as you may recall... you definitely get what you pay for.

I've found someone who helps me, listens to me and validates my feelings and experiences. She listens and offers advice based on what we've discussed. At no point has she dismissed me or made me feel wrong for not taking any advice she's offered. Does this mean i was a bad person before or not worth helping before? Of course not! The person doing the helping was just woefully inexperienced with my particular situation.

You've said the chats and support here help you, so it proves you are worth helping and can be helped... you just need to find people who can, or will, do it. I'm not sure these crisis lines with getting to speak to random people is that helpful for you. But there's so little choice when seeing someone professionally can be so expensive. Prohibitively so for so many people.

But you're not a lost cause. If anything, a cause very much worth taking up. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. And s#&%w them for making you feel like that! It's the system that's broken, not you. I know that doesn't help you much, but I feel like it's important to keep in mind.

@MJG017 you really do always know just what to say.

See that's just it sometimes it's not a matter of them needing to do anything, it's just having someone listen and show kindness and compassion. Yes there's times when I'm really in a bad space and finding a way to calm down from that is necessary and i try to tell them things that have worked previously, sometimes they listen other times they don't.

Meditation/mindfulness has never worked for me, I'm very much the same in needing to be doing something constructive, something that keeps me busy. Like this morning I vacuumed the house, watered the back garden, did the dishes and went through some drawers that needed cleaning out. It was enough to at least bring me a bit out of that space and chatting to you on here definitely helped.

I'm so glad you found someone that's helping and that listens and validates your feelings and experiences, yes I know the costs that can come at though. I had one psychologist that was amazing and she did help me through a very rough time but in the end it wasn't so much therapy anymore it was just a chat as to what had happened between the weeks since we had spoke last. Funnily enough I never met her in person cos it was during covid times so it was all done via phone and then when things did change i chose to not go in person cos of my anxiety. But anyway I chose to stop talking to her cos there was nothing more that she could do.

It's not even an option to see someone else now, not since being hurt and financially it's just impossible. So crisis lines are the only thing I have to be able to talk to someone about things but it's been far from helpful most of the time.

I'm just glad that I'm able to come here and talk and yes it does help me. I just also hate being a burden on people and putting all my problems on others.