Battles

@rav3n yes it has to be real, I think it's even the whole combination of watching it aswell as listening to it that really is calming.

The grape hubba-bubba is the best. I'm not a big lolly person or chocolate. I used to eat a block in one sitting not now I have a few pieces like once every couple of weeks. I actually threw out 6 full blocks of chocolate today that had gone out of date and like 12 packets of lollies.

Yeah those textures just, Ugh i can't even describe the feeling. Yes fluffy and soft walls. I struggle to wipe the walls down when it comes to inspection time cos I can't handle the feeling or sound.

I haven't done a somersault for years.

@rav3n i just feel like I'm too complicated for anyone to deal with so when they ask those questions and I answer like that they just seem to give up.

It's getting harder to keep reaching out cos I'm getting more and more hurt when seeking support in very vulnerable moments. Thanks for those hugs, very much needed right now.

I'm ok for the moment I think, trying hard to keep my mind busy but it's really fighting against me.

@MissGremlin yes 100% i visited the beach recently, and just watching and hearing the waves crash was soooo satisfying for my brain.

yes it is!! so fair, i'm a bit picky with my chocolates. i went through phases where i'd down packets of chocolates, and then other times where i didn't eat any for a while and had to chuck them away too. easter tends to bring my chocolate-hungry mode. do you celebrate easter?

oh wiping the walls sounds like a pain!! fluffy walls would be sooo amazing, a whole a fluffy room would be so cosy. whoever decided the 'standard wall texture' needed to chat to us first, we could've expanded their business.

totally hear you, reaching out and then having those people not validate you in the way you deserve is so disheartening. other people's actions are not a reflection of your worth - and i know it absolutely SUCKS that this happened to you, but let me remind you that you deserve to be supported. you deserve to be heard. and remember that list of words you made with community? give them a read. i didn't get a chance to add my words so i'm going to add them now:

@MissGremlin is kind, caring, compassionate, intelligent, strong, brave, empathetic, funny, worthy, and an amazing person.

@rav3n yes the beach and listening to the waves is amazing but for some reason i get dizzy trying to walk along the beach.

Yeah i go through phases with chocolate aswell. Lately I've been enjoying almonds so i nibble on them sometimes. I don't celebrate Easter.

Yes wiping the walls is like my least favourite job and I avoid it at all costs. If anyone touches my walls I'm like get your hands off my walls or you'll be cleaning them 😂. Yes fluffy walls could have made business so much better.

It's just really hurtful when I'm getting let down so much and everytime it happens it takes that bit of fight out of me. It sucks cos i really need to reach out to talk about how I'm feeling but now I just don't want to, I can't be hurt and let down again. If I was it would tip me over the edge, I'm already close enough to that edge right now.

Thankyou for the reminder and for those kind words, I needed to hear that ❤️.

@MissGremlin ooo dizziness is not fun... have you ever gotten sea-sick or anything? i hate walking on the beach cos of sand getting my shoes/socks/toes... i just don't like the feeling of sand, especially wet sand.

omg that just reminded me - i've got a packet of almonds i need to finish up 😅 i keep buying lil snacks and then forgetting about them until they're months/years expired. thanks for the unintentional reminder lol.

hahaha you need a sign, “touch the wall and you're on cleaning patrol!!!” now that i think about it, cleaning the fluffy wall would be a task... do we vacuum sideways lol?

i absolutely hear you, it's definitely painful and exhausting to be treated in that way when you're already being vulnerable. happy to remind you, i know it can be easy to forget when the brain is on 'attack' mode.

@rav3n yeah I get sea sick and motion sickness in general. I think it's the movement of the waves while I'm walking in a different direction that does it for me. Yeah I'm not a fan of the sand at all, it's just icky.

Almonds are yummy so you better finish them 😂. Yeah I do the same then end up throwing them all out cos I just don't really snack. I threw out 2 garbage bags full of food today which I'm not impressed about, such a waste of food.

Yes I definitely need a sign like that. The dogs were great for leaning against the walls or rubbing against them 😂. Hmmm fluffy walls could be tricky to clean, maybe the fluff could be stuck on by Velcro so you could just pull it down to wash it 🤔.

My brain is definitely in attack mode. It's quiet time now so everything has stopped, now my brain is full of thoughts swirling around like crazy. Trying to get into my colours but I really am struggling to control my urges.

@MissGremlin ohhh makes sense, i imagine it's quite nauseating. so i'm guessing rollercoaster rides and skydiving type of activities are a big no from you?

hehe they are!! i feel bad when i gotta chuck em away too, i guess it's better than letting it rot inside the house.

oh true, dogs would've been great!! plushies too!! i used to keep a pillow between my bed and wall to avoid touching it. you're a genius - velcro fluffy wallpaper things would be sooo much easier to clear. could even make the washing machine-safe so we can save our energy and let the machine do the work 😋

well my brain's on defend mode and i'm still sitting with ya, adding some safety barriers to hopefully slow down your attack system. what colouring are you working on?

@rav3n oh now see i love roller-coasters. Never been skydiving though.

Yeah I don't want food rotting in my house. I'm just going to only buy what I need and hopefully less food waste then.

I miss my dogs so much 😭. My bed is away from the walls so I don't have to touch them. That's it i need fluffy walls now 😂.

My brain is really giving me a hard time and I'm fighting so hard to not lose control. Really need to reach out to a crisis service right now but I can't bring myself to do it. That fear of being let down again is too much.

I'm colouring in a turtle at the moment, well rather it's sitting in front of me while I'm staring at it unable to pick up a pencil.

@MissGremlin oh plot twist haha!! if you like rollercoasters, i reckon you'd love skydiving. do you like adrenaline type of activities?

sounds like a plan! definitely something i'm working on too.

from what you've mentioned about your dogs, they seemed lovely and i'm sure they'd miss you too. the forums community would totally invest in fluffy walls, we need them to exist!! someone needs to go on shark tank and sell this idea 😋

awhh i hear that, it makes total sense why you'd be afraid. i'm always going to vote on trying again, and i'm always going to encourage you to keep reaching out - those crisis lines are a hit or miss, and you've misses lately but i have my fingers and toes crossed that you'll get someone better next time. the chance of being hurt is scary, but i also don't want you to hold onto those heavy feelings and feel so overwhelmed - you deserve to release those feelings and be heard. 💙

@rav3n i do like adrenaline type activities, I'm always willing to give anything a shot.

My dogs were my world so life is very empty without having one. If only I wasn't in a rental I'd make my own fluffy walls 😂.

I know they are hit and miss and I'm trying to remember the few good experiences I've had. But right now with how I'm feeling if I reached out and got let down then that would be it, game over so to speak. So as hard as it is to sit with how I'm feeling right now I feel it's safer than trying to reach out and risk being let down. So tonight I'm stuck with those heavy feelings and feeling very overwhelmed and I have to try and make it through alone if that's possible. I'll hang on for as long as I can in the hopes that at some point either the intensity will break or I can sleep.