Battles

Thankyou @AuntGlow sweet ❤️.

But what do I do when I no longer know what it is that I'm looking for? This is where it's become challenging, I once knew what I needed and wanted but I wasn't able to get it. So now I just know that I desperately need support but I'm unsure what that looks like.

I can honestly say that I've never watched an episode of Sex and the city 😂. I'm not even sure what it is about Buffy and Angel that's so grounding for me, it's just a show I grew up watching and it's one I can watch over and over again.

I'm sorry, I never asked you how you were. So how are you doing sweet?

Today's been alot, first a meeting with a service that I've got a traumatic history with and then my support worker.

I really never thought I'd be back in this position again, back to those same thoughts that led me to end up in the situation I did last time.

I don't know what triggered everything to start again, was it the losses I went through, the struggles with sleep, the financial situation or was it all those things combined. It's all been alot to go through and things haven't stopped, it's been one thing after another. There's a part of me that wants to go back in time and change just one single thing, that one thing that could have altered what's happening now.

I'm really holding alot of guilt and blame towards myself at the moment and I'm not sure how to shift that, cos ultimately it's all my fault, I did those things, I stuffed up and I can't change that.

I'm safe at the moment, I'm out and doing my afternoon routine. I'm just really hurting and it's hard to sit with everything alone so I wanted to get things out by sharing here.

Hey @MissGremlin just letting you know I've added a TW to your post.

I can hear that the thoughts are intense after a very difficult start to your day. I can hear how down on yourself you are at the moment, with self-blame sitting heavy. Sometimes it can help to try to find some self-compassion, to try to give some understanding to our past self for doing what they thought was needed at the time.

I'm glad that you are currently safe and looking after yourself as best you can. I hope you can stay connected, both here and with crisis services as needed - you deserve care and support hun.

Hello @Jynx, thankyou for doing that, sorry that I didn't think to.

Those thoughts are definitely intense, I just really want a break from them. I'll try the self-compassion when I get home, I'll make myself an iced coffee. Unfortunately when I get home everything becomes full on and I don't get a chance to stop until bedtime.

I've been too scared to reach out to the crisis service since what happened on Monday/Tuesday, i really don't need that happening again.

@MissGremlin I can understand your hesitations about reaching out, but please don't write it off completely. Try to think of the times when that hasn't happened, when it has been helpful.

I hope you do get a bit of time to yourself this evening <3

@Jynx I just need to be really careful at the moment cos everytime the police or an ambulance is called it's putting me at risk in another aspect of my life and the situation I'm in (I'm safe). Yes reaching out for help can be and does get used against me.

I just took Casper out to the toilet after he had his dinner, I tried to sit in the sun but I felt like i was melting 😂. Maybe I was born to be a vampire, you know hiding from the sunlight as much as possible 😂.

You know your situation best @MissGremlin - just remember your safety is the highest priority, even if it may create difficulties later. I guess I'm just hoping you'll keep the option on the table.

Glad you at least tried, haha and got a bit of vitamin D!!

@Jynx i beg to differ with that one, I'm not the one that comes first in this house. I know they're there if I need them though.

Haha yes i did try and almost burst into flames 😂.

How's your day been sweet?

@Jynx @AuntGlow

I wanted to share this with you both. This is part of the poem that I wrote the other night but I challenged myself to put a positive spin on it this time.

Sometimes I find myself in strife,

One of those moments happened just the other night,

it began so suddenly and caused such a fright.

It took every inch of strength I could find within,

to not let the thoughts take over and win.

I found myself thinking things I never have before,

I knew I didn't feel safe, that's for sure.

I tried to hold on, though I didn't know how,

I just needed to get through that moment somehow.

The thoughts of failure were loud and clear,

they were all in my head, all I could hear.

I felt that in this world i didn't belong,

that every part of me was so very wrong.

But somewhere beneath the noise and the pain,

a small voice reminded me I could remain.

It wasn't loud, and it wasn't strong,

but somehow it told me that I still belong.

I didn't know how I would make it through,

I didn't have answers, I didn't know what to do.

But I took one breath, then another one too,

and held onto moments until they pulled me through.

I learned that surviving doesn't mean feeling ok,

sometimes it's simply making it through one more day.

Sometimes being strong means admitting you're scared,

and letting somebody know that you need some care.

The thoughts may return, the darkness may call,

there may be some nights when I struggle with it all.

But I'll try to remember, when I can't see the light,

that feelings can change, even after the worst night.

So if I find myself back in that place once again,

I'll try to remember I'm more than the pain.

I'll reach for a hand, I'll speak what is true,

and remind myself that I deserve to make it through.

It's been such a bad night for me, I've had constant nightmares everytime I close my eyes and the panic after them has been so full on. The meeting yesterday really triggered a huge trauma response due to what happened with the service 5 years ago, it's not something I've ever been able to process or forget. What happened that night changed my life forever and the next 13 months were hell to get through. I keep reliving it in my head over and over again, hearing those words, hearing the scream that will haunt me forever and then coming home after being forcibly taken to the hospital and drugged to calm me down to the unknown, while dealing with the effects of the medication they gave me, having a severe reaction sending my heart rate high and making me feel like I was dying. I didn't get to rest, I had to instantly start fighting to get my life back everyday for 13 months.

I never thought I'd have to deal with this service again but all it took was one mistake, one hospital visit and I was thrown back under their radar. This is where the feeling of failure comes from, knowing that what happened as a result of the medication I was to try led me to this situation again. A severe reaction from that and I get punished for the consequences.

Now is the hardest part, I'm struggling with my mental health, I need support and haven't been able to get it, but I'm expected to put on a brave face, pretend that everything's ok and that I'm not struggling, that I have everything together and can manage just fine on my own.

How do you do that, how can you just pretend that every second of every day you're not thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, how can you function during the day on 1-3 hours of sleep every night and after nights of fighting to keep yourself alive, how do you hold yourself together when your mind and body is fighting a war within that nobody can see.

I don't know how I'm meant to do it, i don't know if it's possible. Theres a part of me that just wants to give up, to say fine, you win, are you happy now! But I know that isn't an option, there's no easy way out of this, it's going to take everything out of me when I've got nothing to give.

I'm trying my hardest to keep pushing through, to fight through every thought and urge safely, to keep trying to get the support I need. I hope it's seen, I hope it's enough, I hope I'm strong enough to fight this again.

I'm safe, just needing to get this out, yes I know it's a bit cryptic as I can't go into details. I'm not sure if any trigger warnings need to be added but I've tried my best to be careful how things are worded. I'm laying in bed with Casper snuggled up next to me, hoping I'm able to get a bit more sleep.