There's no denying that things are incredibly hard right now, so this is my way of trying to get things out. I'm safe for the moment, I'm in bed with Casper and I'm going to do some diamond art.
Sometimes I find myself in strife,
in those moments, I'm fighting for my life.
There's no knowing if I'll make it through,
Content/Trigger warning: SI
or if I'll give in to the urges like I want to.
One of those moments happened just the other night,
it began so suddenly and caused such a fright.
It took every inch of strength I could find within,
to not let the thoughts take over and win.
I found myself thinking things I never have before,
I knew I didn't feel safe, that's for sure.
I tried to hold on, though I didn't know how,
I just needed to get through that moment somehow.
The thoughts of failure were loud and clear,
they were all in my head, all I could hear.
I felt that in this world I didn't belong,
that every part of me was so very wrong.
And now the silence is deafening inside,
there's nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.
The darkness has settled beneath my skin,
and I don't know where I end or it begins.
Every thought feels heavier than before,
like something is waiting just outside the door.
I search for a reason, but nothing feels true,
and the harder I fight, the less I can do.
I'm tired of pretending that I'm doing alright,
when I'm barely surviving each day and each night.
I smile when I'm asked, I say that I'm fine,
while falling apart somewhere deep inside.
There's a war in my head that nobody can see,
a battle that rages inside of me.
And sometimes the darkness is all that I know,
it wraps itself tightly and won't let me go.
I wish I could silence the noise in my head,
the things that I think, the things that I've said.
But tonight there are no answers waiting for me,
just the weight of the darkness surrounding me.
A darkness so deep that I can't seem to see.
it hides all the light that once lived inside me.
It follows me closely wherever I go,
a shadow that whispers the things that I know.
It tells me I'm broken, it tells me I'm weak,
it finds all the places I don't want to speak.
It echoes the thoughts that I wish weren't there,
and convinces me nobody truly could care.
The walls feel like they're closing in on me,
and I can't find a way to just breathe and be.
My mind is exhausted, my body is too,
but sleep doesn't silence what I'm going through.
I carry this weight though nobody knows,
I hide it beneath every smile that I show.
I answer "I'm fine" when I'm anything but,
while inside I'm just trying to hold myself up.
And tomorrow it will feel just the same,
another long battle inside of my brain.
Another day trying to hide what is real,
another night drowning in everything I feel.
For now, there's just darkness surrounding my sight,
and thoughts that grow louder and louder at night.
I don't have an ending, no answers, no way,
just trying to exist through the weight of today.
But there's thoughts in my head that won't go away,
Content/Trigger warning: SI
They're screaming at me to act without delay.I so badly want to finally give in, to give into the cravings I've been fighting within.
