Battles

@Nala2022 it really did become so overwhelming very quickly. It took me so long to fall asleep then I had police here at 2.02am, first phone call from the ambulance service at 2.29am, then 5.29am, then 6.49am. I'm just glad that they didn't come out.

The police said that they will get there mental health team to give me a call this morning, but it's already now the afternoon so I don't believe it will happen.

I need to get up to get the house ready as I've just been told that I have someone coming out at 9.30am tomorrow, then I have my support worker at 11am. It's feeling like it's all too much and I just want to escape everything so that I can have peace (I'm safe).

I feel nauseous today cos I haven't slept enough but right now going near my medications scares me more than the worry of being sick, that's a really huge warning sign given my emetophobia. I'm laying in bed shaking, it's all hitting really hard right now. I need to slow things down somehow, I'm going to go and make an iced coffee then sit back in bed with it and work out how to take things from there. I'm just sorry for being too much and that I'm such a mess today, I'm trying hard not to be.

I'm glad that you're doing well sweet, a toastie and coffee sounds perfect ❤️

@MissGremlin I’m so sorry you’ve had such a difficult night, especially with the police and ambulance calls interrupting your sleep when you were already exhausted and struggling. I can understand how frustrating and overwhelming that must have felt, particularly when you were just trying to get some rest

I think it’s really important that you’ve recognised how being around your medication is feeling like a warning sign for you at the moment. That awareness matters, and I’m glad you’ve been able to recognise and share it rather than dismissing how you’re feeling

With your support worker coming tomorrow, could you let them know how things have been and how you’re feeling about your medication? They may be able to help you work out a plan to make things feel safer, including whether they or another appropriate support person could hold your medication temporarily

I know you’re feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, so please try to take things one step at a time today. You’ve had so much to manage, and you deserve support and kindness, not pressure to have everything together all of the time 💛

@Nala2022 I'll have to see how it goes tomorrow with my support worker, I cancelled last week as it was too much. I'm scared to tell her how things have been feeling and what's been going on cos things have gotten so bad since I talked to her last. I know our time left together is limited and that really worries me as I'll be left with no support again, even though it's only talking to her.

I'm about to go out to the shops and go to the chemist to get my scripts filled, I need to do it today unfortunately (I'm safe for now). Also have to find out how much it will cost to get my old phone fixed.

Thankyou for being so gentle, understanding and supportive sweet, i hope you enjoy the rest of your day ❤️.

@MissGremlin I can understand why you're feeling scared about tomorrow, especially when things have become so difficult and you're worried about losing the support you have. I know it can be hard to share how much you're struggling, but you deserve support, and you don't have to find the perfect words. Even letting your support worker know things have become much harder could be a starting point. I hope you can also talk about your worries around support ending

I'm glad you've let us know you're safe for now and I hope all goes okay for you at the shops

Of course, you deserve support and I'm glad we can connect here. Please be gentle with yourself and take things one step at a time 💛

@Nala2022 just before I went to leave for the shops i had a person ring from the mental health team, I was honest with her about where things are at and that I desperately need them to help me get long term support rather than just closing off on me. She said she's going to find some places that she can refer me to for telehealth psychologists. I've been advocating from day one with them that this is what I need from them but they haven't listened so I'm hoping that maybe now they will. I told them how my thoughts and urges have been constant and so intense, that I haven't been able to get a break from them no matter what I try and how I had an ambulance here on Saturday cos of what I've been doing just to be able to sleep (I'm safe). I'm just really hoping that I can get the support I need to be able to get through this, it scares me to think that maybe it's not possible but I'm trying so hard.

The shops were hard and finding out that it's going to be $450 to fix my old phone screen that got broken by someone yesterday has really made me spiral as I desperately need it fixed but can't afford that cost.

I'm back home now, I've got things I need to do but I simply can't manage anything with how things are feeling. I'm trying to think of something small i can do and see if I can work from there but my brain feels like mush.

@Nala2022 just minutes after i pressed post, the mental health team person rang and told me that they're closing off on me today. Did what I say mean absolutely nothing to them, how much can one person literally cry out for help and not be heard by anyone 😞. I feel completely broken both inside and out, I feel like i don't matter to anyone cos everyone just turns me away. I've tried so hard to get help, I really have but I guess I'm not worthy of it.

Still safe for the moment, just feeling so hurt and alone. I'm about to cook dinner so that will at least keep me busy, I just vacuumed the house before and put the washing away.

@MissGremlin advocating for oneself is such a challenging and exhausting process, I'm sorry that it's been going on so long and that you still don't have any guarantees. I'm glad that this person seemed to listen to you and I hope she really does come back to you with some options.

Yikes, $450 is very steep!! Would there be any possibility of payment plan or something? Big sums like that can hit so hard hey.

Mushy brain is understandable considering all you're going through. I hope you're able to rest for a bit before deciding to tackle any of the remaining tasks you have on today. Big breaths and baby steps, hun <3

@Jynx if you read the next post that I just put up you'll see that my advocating for myself has completely failed. Not only are those closing off, but they're doing it today so that's it I've got noone other than my GP and a support worker for 1 hour a week.

Unfortunately payment plans aren't an option through the phone places. I'm lucky to know someone that's going to be able to do it for $300, it's still a huge cost but I need it fixed.

I'm sitting outside with Casper while I'm writing this, I've got a million things racing through my head (none of them good). I just want to hit the pause or mute button, just a chance to catch my breath. I know where things are heading despite how hard I've tried to stop it from getting to that point, but without support I can't manage alone, I've tried so hard. I'm trying to take some big breaths, it's hard when I feel like I'm stuck under a huge boulder that's crushing me. Again I'm safe at the moment, just really overwhelmed and feeling so many things at once.

Here's something to hopefully make you smile, I put Caspers shoes on him yesterday. (Pics attached)

@Nala2022 @Captain24 @AuntGlow

Cute. Does he walk in them? Mum got shoes for one of her old dogs and she kept kicking her feet out. @MissGremlin 

@Captain24 he does, he walks funny for the first few steps then he's normal with them.