Battles

I've really had enough of trying to fight through today/tonight, it's 1.40am and I'm not even in bed yet as I'm not sleepy. I'm exhausted from trying so hard to keep pushing through, I've used so many coping strategies to help get to this point but I have nothing left in me now. I really just want to be able to sleep and it's so incredibly frustrating that I can't, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if it's fear that's stopping me, knowing that I'll have nightmares and wake up in a panic or the worry of wanting to use an unhealthy coping strategy to just be able to actually get any amount of sleep i can. I know the risks involved and they aren't just minor things but there's a part of me that is willing to take those risks just to be able to sleep, it's scary how such desperation can affect normal and rational thinking.

There's a very small part of me that's saying 'you've got to this point, don't give in to those urges now', but there's a much larger part that's saying 'just do it, it's the only way you'll get any sleep'. That larger part is so loud and hard to ignore, especially when I've used every possible distraction/coping strategy and now I'm running on empty.

I'm trying so hard to stay strong, to get through without giving in to those urges. I'm safe at the moment, sitting snuggled with Casper and watching a movie. I just needed to get this out.

Hi @MissGremlin

It sounds incredibly exhausting to be struggling with sleep while also managing such intense urges. I can hear how much effort you’ve put into getting through tonight, especially when you’ve already tried so many different coping strategies without finding the relief you need. It’s understandable that you’re feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, particularly when you’re so desperate for some rest.

I want to acknowledge how hard you’re working to resist these urges, even when they’re feeling increasingly difficult to manage. I'm glad to hear you’re currently safe, spending some time with Casper and watching a movie. Given the intensity of these urges and the risks you’ve mentioned, I encourage you to seek additional support tonight from a crisis service like Lifeline rather than having to manage everything on your own. You deserve to get the support you need, you deserve restful nights too.

Sending warm sleepy vibes and hoping that restful sleep find you soon.

-SunsetSunrise

Hello @SunsetSunrise, sorry I forgot to say that I'm waiting to connect to a crisis service aswell.

I just feel at a loss of what I'm supposed to do, am I just going to be stuck like this for as long as I can tolerate it.

I've finally got into bed but my anxiety has really increased since doing so which makes it hard to settle. I've done everything I can to make it feel safer (not bringing anything in and having my iced coffee when i was in the lounge), but it still feels scary being in bed. I'm safe for now, watching my comfort show while I wait to connect to the crisis service and keeping connected here aswell.

Thankyou, I'm really hoping I can sleep soon ❤️.

Hi @MissGremlin

I'm glad you were able to get through to Healthdirect and that the paramedics were there to check on you. I know reaching out for help hasn't been easy lately, so I hope you can give yourself credit for allowing them to come and support you. How did it go yesterday, and how are you today? 💛

Hello @Nala2022, it was really scary yesterday as I didn't know if they were going to let me stay home or try to detain me. I'm really struggling today, those thoughts feel the strongest they have been, it's so hard to not just act on them when they're screaming so loudly, I just wish I knew how to make them stop or at least make them quiet so that I could manage sitting with them. That being said I'm safe for the moment, I'm trying to focus on my diamond art and have Casper next to me, I'm also waiting to connect to a crisis service.

How are you doing sweet?

@MissGremlin I'm so sorry things are feeling so intense today. Yesterday sounds like it was really frightening, and I can understand how hard it must be to keep reaching out for support when you're already struggling so much.

I'm glad you've told us how strong the thoughts are feeling, and that you have Casper beside you and your diamond art to help you focus while you wait for support. I know you're trying hard to get through this, but you shouldn't have to manage it all on your own.

I'm glad you've said you're safe for the moment, but I'm concerned about how difficult it feels to resist these thoughts. Please keep trying to connect with crisis support, and if you feel you may act on them or can't keep yourself safe, please call 000 or seek emergency care rather than waiting.

Thank you for asking how I'm doing too. I'm not too bad, a bit tired but I'm rugged up. It's a bit chilly today!

@Nala2022 the interaction with the crisis service was short but it was ok, the person was kind and understanding.

I don't know what's made the thoughts so intense today and not knowing why make it hard to shift the intensity.

I heated up my roast beef that I cooked yesterday, I'm trying to eat a bit but I'm not really hungry.

I just want to be able to sleep, properly sleep but that's not happening. I have to go to the shops later today and I'm really dreading that, especially with how on edge I'm feeling.

I'm safe for the moment still. Just taking things second by second today.

@MissGremlin I'm glad the person you spoke with was kind and understanding. It sounds like you're having to put so much energy into getting through each moment today, especially with the thoughts feeling so intense and sleep being difficult.

It's okay if you can only manage little bits of food at a time, and I hope you can be gentle with yourself around the things you need to get done today. If the shops feel overwhelming, it's okay to consider whether anything can wait or be made a little easier

I'm glad you're taking things second by second and letting us know how you're doing. I've also sent you an email to check in 💛

@Nala2022 it's definitely alot of effort that I'm having to put in, but I'm trying my best.

Unfortunately it's a must with getting to the shops today, at least it will get me out for a bit. Trying to see the positives here 😂.

I've just replied to your email, thankyou for checking in ❤️.

This morning felt different, I slept through the night and actually woke up feeling rested. I managed 8 hours sleep and it was quality sleep, not constantly interrupted with nightmares and panic attacks, I actually can't remember the last time I slept without waking to either of those things.

I felt a slight shift in my mood, I felt ok, lighter, able to get things done without it feeling like so much effort. I swept through my house, cleaned the kitchen bench off, did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom sink, the stove and put a load of washing in that I've just hung out.

It's a really strange feeling, not one I'm used to. I'm not pushing myself to keep going cos I can feel things slipping a little so I'm allowing myself to rest and just trying to enjoy the lighter feeling for however long i can ☺️.

@Nala2022 @Jynx @AuntGlow