Battles

I managed to fall asleep but I just had the most horrific nightmare and I've woken up having a full on panic attack 😞. I'm so tired in every way possible, I just want rest. I'm safe, trying to calm myself down while I'm waiting to connect to a crisis service. I'm listening to music with Casper snuggled up next to me.

Tonight's been so hard, so many nightmares and panic attacks. I've wanted to use an unhealthy coping strategy so badly but so far I've been able to resist it. It had become more than just a way to be able to sleep as I kept pushing the limits, it's horrible and scary how far I'll go to be able to get any kind of relief.

It's hard just laying here awake though, there's so many thoughts racing through my head, so many urges that are hard to fight when I'm exhausted and feel so weak. I'm safe for the moment, listening to music and i have Casper snuggled up with me.

Hey there @MissGremlin,

I can hear how hard tonight has felt, especially how overwhelming and intense its been. Experiencing nightmares, panic attacks and a racing mind, it makes sense that sleep has felt hard to achieve and why thoughts have led you to thinking of ways to cope with the resletessness. You are understandably feeling exhausted by it all, but you have done so well to resist the urges. It shows so much strength and resilience coming onto the platform and sharing your experiences, your not alone in this. You deserve to feel rested and get the sleep you need, listening to music can be a really good way to distract our minds, it could also be helpful to listen to a podcast which you find engaging, trying some meditation or deep breathing strategies - we will include a couple resources below which you can take a look at if you feel like it could be helpful.

• Breathing Exercises - https://www.calm.com/blog/breathing-exercises-for-anxiety
• Urge Surfing - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmqddB2YAxU

If the thoughts start to feel louder or you need some support to cope, dont hestitate to reach out to support such as Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.

Take gentle care, and enjoy your snuggles with Casper

Hello @MindInFocus, thankyou for your reply. Meditation and breathing exercises don't work for me and I'm not a fan of podcasts either. I have many coping strategies mainly distractions, it's just been hard lately as nothing has been helping which has lead to using those unhealthy ones (I'm safe). It's been really hard to get through tonight, especially after what's happened for the past 4 nights. But I think I've managed to make it through being that it's almost daylight.

I'll reach out to the appropriate services if I feel I need to.

Hi @MissGremlin, I'm just catching up on replies.

I'm glad to hear your GP has sent through the referral and that the psychology service has received it. I really hope they’re able to offer you the support you need, and I can understand why you’d feel nervous about the possibility of being rejected again

It sounds like last night was incredibly difficult, especially with the nightmares, panic attacks and urges you were experiencing. I’m glad you’ve been able to resist so far, and that you have some comfort in listening to music with Casper snuggled up beside you. You deserve relief and support without having to push yourself to such frightening limits

I’m concerned about how intense these urges have been, particularly when you’re exhausted. Are you still feeling safe this morning, and have you been able to reach out to anyone for support with what’s been happening? Please don’t feel you have to manage this alone, especially if the urges become harder to resist

I hope you can be gentle with yourself today 💛

Morning @Nala2022, I'm feeling let down by the psychology place already after I had initial contact and then was told I'd hear back within 24 hours and of course I haven't. The rejection from that is hitting hard already.

I've tried so hard to get a bit more sleep but I've been tossing and turning, my back and neck are both so sore and I'm just getting worked up cos I can't rest.

Not going to lie, those thoughts are so intense and constant. I've connected with a crisis service several times throughout the night and this morning, but I've not been able to hold a conversation with them, it's felt too scary, too much and I feel so ashamed that I'm like this. I'm trying so hard to manage things alone as I feel I'm a burden on anyone for needing to reach out so often.

Someone from the mental health team rang me yesterday and I just shut-down completely, I refused to answer her questions or to tell her anything other than saying 'things are really bad, I'm barely sleeping, the thoughts and urges are constant, but it doesn't matter cos you don't care about what's really going on and are just going to close off on me regardless of how I'm feeling', her response was just 'I'm sorry you're feeling that way but we will be closing off next week and handing your care back to your GP'. My point proven exactly right there, they told me to contact them if I felt i was in crisis, I did that and the person I spoke to wouldn't even let me talk, so honestly the sooner they close off on me the better cos that aren't helping me despite how hard I've tried to advocate for myself.

I'm feeling so much right now, anger, frustration, sadness, shame, fear, guilt, pain. It's alot to be sitting with and there's not one simple solution for everything I'm feeling, I don't know where to begin to be able to reduce some of the feelings. Anyway I'm safe for the moment, I'm trying to find the energy to get up and make a cuppa and take some pain relief but that comes with so much fear and guilt so maybe I just won't take anything and deal with the pain, maybe it's punishment for everything I've been doing, maybe I deserve it. Right now I'm laying in bed and Casper is snuggled right into me, I'm just reminding myself to breathe and focusing on the next moment, just one at a time.

Sorry it's such a long post, it really wasn't meant to be but it all just came rushing out.

How are you doing sweet?

@MissGremlin Please don’t apologise for sharing so much. You’ve been carrying an awful lot, and you deserve to have space to express what you’re going through

I can understand why the response from the mental health team has left you feeling so let down and having the psychology referral bring up feelings of rejection before you’ve even had the chance to connect with someone must feel incredibly hard too. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this

I’m glad you’ve continued reaching out to the crisis service, even when it’s felt too scary and overwhelming to talk. It sounds like you’re doing your best to get through each moment and keep yourself safe. I am concerned though about how intense and constant the thoughts and urges have been. Please continue reaching out for support when you need to, even if it feels difficult, and I’m glad you’re also staying connected here

Please try to be gentle with yourself when it comes to taking care of your pain. You don’t deserve to suffer as punishment for what you’ve been going through. You deserve kindness and care, especially from yourself

Thank you for asking how I’m doing too. That’s really sweet of you! I’m doing okay, just a little tired and having a cuppa now myself. I’m enjoying the change to the cooler weather

I hope you can find a little gentleness for yourself today 💛

Thankyou @Nala2022 sweet, it helps sometimes to be able to get things out and know that someone cares enough to listen without judgement.

I'll keep trying to reach out when I need to, it's just felt harder lately than what it usually is, that bit scares me a little but I'm trying to focus on the fact that I'm still trying.

It's hard to give myself kindness and care after everything I've been putting myself through. I think I need to bring things back to the basics, so for right now I've made myself a cuppa and put a roast beef on, after I've finished my cuppa I'm going to put some music on and have a shower and then see how I feel after that.

You're so welcome sweet ❤️. We can sit and have a cuppa together ☺️. I'm so glad that you've got some cooler weather, it's the same here and it's lovely, it's been so warm over the last few days and I don't cope in the heat.

@MissGremlin I'm glad that being able to share things here helps you feel heard and supported without judgement. I can understand why it feels scary that reaching out has been harder lately, but I think it’s important that you recognise that you’re still trying, even when things feel incredibly difficult

I think bringing things back to the basics sounds like a gentle place to start. All those things you've mentioned can make a difference, even if it's just a little

Absolutely, we can have a cuppa together! ☺️ I'm glad you're enjoying the cooler weather too, it's such a relief after those warmer days, I don't cope well in the heat either

@Nala2022 yes I'm still trying, if I stop that's when I'll know that I'm really in trouble.

I've got a few books left to cover so I might do them today and then do some of my diamond art.

My cuppa ran out too quickly, think they're was a hole in my cup 😂. The heat is such a shock to the system after we've had cool weather, I dread going out in it cos I've got no aircon in my car and have to take Casper with me. My aircon at home was on for 3 days straight!