Battles

Thankyou @Chasingsunsets sweet ❤️.

I can't help but feel so let down and disappointmented. All night I kept telling myself that if I could just make it through until daylight then things would be ok, things would feel easier. But daylight has come around and things still feel so heavy those thoughts and urges are still so intense and flighting them when I'm exhausted is incredibly hard. Last night I felt like I was going to fail, it was scary, I didn't feel in control, I kept telling lifeline that I was going to fail, that I couldn't keep fighting. But somehow I made it through the night even though so much of it feels like a blur now. Today I just don't feel real, like I'm here but not here, it's hard to stay focused and that scares me. I've barely had any sleep other than a few minutes at a time and, a combined sleep of 6 hours is not enough for the last 2 nights.

I'm safe, today I'm trying to take things one second at a time, just very slowly and gently. I have to head to the shops later and I'll be going with my friend, I'm looking forward to seeing her. I just needed to get this out, it helps to not feel so alone.

The one night that I'm actually able to get a bit of sleep and I get disturbed by an ambulance being called on me from a crisis service taking things out of context 😞. Thankfully they were both understanding and once again shocked that I'm even still functioning with everything going on and sad to hear that I can't get support, the fact that it took 6 years for one of the ambulance officers to be able to get a psychologist for herself really says alot about our mental health system. When someone is actively seeking support it shouldn't be this hard to get it.

I'm laying in bed again with Casper snuggled up to me, those thoughts and urges are still constant and it's exhausting trying to fight them every second of every day and night. I'm safe though, hoping I'm able to get some more sleep soon. Just needed to get this out and to not feel so alone right now.

Hi @MissGremlin, I’m so sorry you were disturbed when you’d finally managed to get some sleep, especially when you’re already dealing with so much. It sounds incredibly exhausting to be fighting those thoughts and urges constantly while also trying to get the support you need

You deserve to be heard and supported, and I’m glad the ambulance officers were understanding. I’m also glad you have Casper there for some comfort

I just wanted to check in with you. Are you still feeling safe within yourself today? I hope you’re able to get some more rest, and please remember you don’t have to manage everything alone 💛

Hello @Nala2022, it was frustrating getting disturbed and I wasn't able to get much sleep after. It's so exhausting and I'm really at a point where I just want to give up cos I'm not getting anywhere, I can't get support and I can't make the thoughts and urges stop, I feel stuck like this.

I'm still safe at the moment, I'm laying in bed with Casper snuggled up to me. It's hard cos I don't feel safe within myself but I'm safe if that makes any sense, like I don't trust myself cos I know where my thoughts are at but there's still a part of me that's working to not act on things. Thankyou ❤️.

How are you doing sweet?

@MissGremlin It makes sense that you’re feeling exhausted and stuck when you’ve been trying so hard to get support and the thoughts and urges aren’t easing. I’m glad there’s still a part of you working to keep you safe, and that Casper is there for some comfort. You deserve support with this, and you shouldn’t have to keep fighting so hard on your own

That does make sense, but given that you don’t feel safe within yourself, please reach out for urgent support today if you can, even if you feel able to resist the urges right now. If you feel you might act on them, please call 000 or get to an emergency department

Thank you for asking lovely. I’m doing okay, but I’m more concerned about you right now 💛

@Nala2022 I don't need that urgent support at the moment but I'll reach out for it if I do. I'm just trying to take things moment by moment and keeping connected so that I'm not alone.

I'm glad you're doing ok, I'm sorry for making you worry so much though. Things have been so hard for so long and I'm desperate to get relief (I'm safe).

@MissGremlin You don’t need to apologise lovely. You’re not making me worry by being honest about what you’re going through. Taking things moment by moment and staying connected sounds like a good way to get through right now. I’m so sorry things have been so hard for so long, and I really hope you get the relief and support you deserve. You don’t have to figure everything out today, just keep taking it one moment at a time 💛

Thankyou @Nala2022 sweet ❤️.

I plan to ring the mental health team tomorrow to talk to someone different, hoping that they can understand the severity of how bad things are at the moment. It scares me that they are looking to close off on me when I'm at my most vulnerable right now. I also have a doctors appointment on Tuesday and have a place for my doctor to do a referral to. Then Wednesday is my support worker. It's a busy week and it's going to be hard to find the strength to get through it all.

Casper is laying on the extra pillows on my bed, he's funny 😂.

@MissGremlin You’ve got a lot to navigate this week, especially when you’re already feeling so exhausted. I really hope the mental health team listens and understands how much you’re struggling, and that your appointments help you get some more consistent support. Try to take it one step at a time and give yourself permission to rest in between.

Casper is so cute! He looks super comfy right now 😂💛