Battles

I've barely been able to sleep, all I've done is toss and turned since going to bed. I'm so scared to sleep cos of how bad the nightmares are getting and also cos of what's happening in them, they are truly horrifying. There's moments where I'm laying here and feel like I'm in a dream state, my movements both start to look and feel weird, my mind goes all fuzzy and I start to see things that have happened in the nightmares before I'll sort of jolt and come back to reality. It's like I'm awake but not fully as I'm only semi-aware of what's happening

I've been trying so hard to keep pushing through everyday, to get the support I need so I have a chance of getting through this. But the reality is that there's not going to be any long term support for me, there's noone willing to give me a chance. I get it, I'm complex, there's trauma from my past that people can't even comprehend. I didn't ask to be like this, i didn't ask to go through the things i have been. I tried to get help when I was younger but as a child and a teen I was never believed, so things kept happening and it became a normal part of my life, I learnt to endure it, i was taught that I deserved it and that how i felt didn't matter.

I feel so nauseous and my tummy won't stop making noses which is making me so anxious. I can feel a lump in my throat that's just constantly there. I know I'm so tired so my body is sending very mixed signals but it's scary. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, where life goes from here cos for me this isn't a life that i feel is worth living. I'm scared, I'm hurting, I'm desperate to feel anything other than this. My thoughts are all over the place and it's hard to not want to give in to them and the urges with how things are and how exhausted i am. I'm safe for the moment, laying in bed snuggled up with Casper. Just trying to get things out of my head and to not feel so alone.

Tonight I'm really struggling with my thoughts, I'm ready to give everything up. All that's going through my head is that I'm such a sh!t person, that I'm a failure and that I should have never been born. I'm trying so hard to push them aside but after everything that's happened today, I feel so weak. I keep dissociating which is scary especially when the urges are as strong as they are, I've had times where that's when I've given in without realising until after the fact.

I'm trying so hard to be strong, to keep myself grounded. I'm doing my diamond art and I'm watching my comfort shows, Casper is next to me. I'm safe for the moment even though I'm not feeling it.

Hey @MissGremlin I'm hearing how intense the thoughts are and how scary it is to be feeling this way. I know you are safe at the moment but it sounds like the urges are strong and you're worried about what might happen if you dissociate. I'm wondering if it might be worth reaching out for some extra support, either a crisis service or by contacting mental health triage? Maybe you could ask for some help with grounding, making your space safer, or to help you feel less alone.

Please look after yourself hun, you don't deserve to face this alone.

@Jynx things are so intense right now, I'm sitting here squeezing the edge of the pillow that my diamond art tray is resting on while the other hand is madly sticking dots down.

Mental health triage aren't an option, they told me to never call them again cos they can't help me. I'm waiting to connect to a crisis service though. I've already tried to make my space safe, there's just thoughts that are there that I've never had before and that scares me (I'm safe).

Thankyou sweet ❤️.

@MissGremlin I can hear how intense the feelings are, I'm glad that you are connecting to a crisis service and I hope that you get through to a kind soul real soon <3

Deep breaths, keep Casper close and try to use his presence to ground you. You got this.

@Jynx I managed to grab my needoh cube so that's getting a good squeezing right now. Not sure it will survive the night 😂.

I'm connected to the crisis service now and the person is understanding, I definitely needed that right now.

Thankyou sweet ❤️. I'm trying so hard to get through this moment safely.

Gotta get me one of those they're fun @MissGremlin haha

Hope sleep finds you soon. G'night!

@Jynx they are so much fun ☺️. You haven't seen my new needoh that I got.

Night night sweet and thankyou again ❤️.

Hi @MissGremlin how are you today?

I hope you one day get to have a Murray darling python!

How did you go with the mental health team? I hope they were able to listen to you and give you some of the support you’ve been needing 💛

Hello @Nala2022, things have been really bad especially last night.

The mental health team people that came out didn't seem willing to help. They weren't even interested when I told them what I'd discussed with the other person that rang me regarding the support worker package. Every thing and every place they suggested, I've already tried. They said they'd ring on Wednesday so I guess I just have to wait for that.

I have nothing in me today, no fight, no strength, no hope. Instead there's emptiness and a long for things to just stop. I'm laying in bed and I don't want to move, I don't want to think or face what today may bring. I'm sorry i feel like I'm just a failure, I have nothing to give anyone and I don't feel worthy of anyone's care or time.

I'm safe for the moment even when I don't fully feel it.

I hope you're doing well.