Battles

It's another night of being stuck awake. I'm feeling so restless and like i physically can't keep still. Inside it's like a swirling storm, there's so much built up frustration and anger that's got nowhere to go. It's feeling like it's going to bubble over the top and explode if I can't find a way to release it safely. I've been trying to get the feelings to settle but nothing has really helped. I've tried different grounding techniques both gentle and more physical ones, I've gone for a walk around my house both inside and out, I've splashed water on my face, tried many different distractions, had something to eat and drink, reached out to a crisis service (it didn't help as such but was good to get things out), I've tried to close my eyes and sleep but things get more intense when i can't. I'm not sure what else to do, I feel stuck and scared of losing control.

I'm safe and laying on my bed with Casper. But I go from sitting to laying, tossing and turning, just getting increasingly frustrated.

I needed to get this out, maybe there's something I'm missing trying that could help. If anything I just don't want to feel so alone right now.

Hi @MissGremlin

It sounds like its been another restless night for you. I hear how exhausting and frustrating it can be when it feels like you've taken all of the proper steps but aren't getting the results you're wanting. You've done so well at caring for yourself today. Reaching out for support and doing the right self care while things are feeling wild takes so much strength. I see you.

I'm not sure if this will be helpful (you've probably already read all that there is to read about it) But I'll leave some tips and tricks for falling asleep quickly for you.

Remember that you're not alone, The SANE forums community is here for you, you are such a valued member here.

I hope tonight is restful for you even if you can't quite get to sleep.

Take care and sweet dreams (fingers crossed)

-SunsetSunrise

Hello @SunsetSunrise, thankyou for replying, even just knowing that there's someone through a screen helps in this moment. It's definitely frustrating especially when I've been trying so hard and then when nothing works those feelings of failure really set in.

Thinking you maybe missed sharing the tips and tricks for falling asleep quickly 😂. It did make me giggle though ☺️.

Thankyou for the kind words, I'm hoping i can fall asleep soon. Just need to find that magic off switch 😂.

Hope your night is going smoothly, thanks for being here ☺️

Oh My Gosh! @MissGremlin

I did forget (I am very good at forgetting to link things)

Here are the tips:

https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sleep/fall-asleep-fast#tips-to-fall-asleep-fast

Although hopefully you're already with the sandman

-Sunset Sunrise

Thankyou @SunsetSunrise, I shall have a read through. I've barely had any sleep but my right eye is so sore and trying to look at my screen is hard, the pain from it is actually making me cry as everytime my eye moves it hurts.

I'm aware this post is sensitive in nature so please put in trigger warnings where necessary.

I'm so sick of not being able to sleep. I've tried so many things to get to sleep including things i haven't tried before but here i am still stuck awake. I've been crying thinking about certain events that have shaped my life to what it is today, the past has made me what I am today but I don't like the person i am because of my past.

I was triggered earlier tonight after talking to someone in a group chat, it brought up so many painful memories, things I'd buried deep within but now it's all come flooding back. It's more than just a simple flashback, it's a full body experience, one I'll never be able to forget no matter how much I want to. I honestly never thought I'd be back in this darkness, not after I worked so hard to get out of it and overcame it even after multiple attempts. It's been almost 2 years now that things have been bad again and progressively getting worse but the past few days have been different, there's a heaviness I've never felt before, a complete lack of energy, a sense of just not feeling myself, a longing to be at peace and knowing what it entails to get to that peace. The biggest eye opener tonight was talking to a crisis service, them asking me how specific thoughts made me feel my response 'they are a relief, I've accepted that it's what has to happen and it's ok, I'm at peace with it', I've never let those words actually come out before even when it's been on my mind. The question is how do I come back from that point, how do I bring myself out of that state of mind knowing it's something I want so much.

This isn't a battle I can fight alone, I've tried but I've only dug myself deeper into the hole that's slowly swallowing me. I need support from proper services, but at the moment I can't seem to get that no matter how hard I try to. My next doctors appointment isn't until the 5th May which right now feels like an eternity away, I don't talk to my counsellor for almost another 2 weeks. In the meantime I'm hanging by a thread, one that's rapidly fraying, but I'm hoping it's strong enough to hold me until either of those appointments comes.

I'm exhausted in ways that a simple sleep can't fix, there's emotions that feel so heavy like it's crushing me inside, the panic is enough to completely take my breath away while I sit frozen in fear completely unable to move. Never in my life have I felt things like this, with this intensity.

Tonight I lay here with tears in my eyes just hoping that a service, any service is willing to help me, to guide me through the darkness, walk the journey with me until I can find the light again. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I want to feel different, I just don't know what different feels like when I've felt like this for so long.

I needed to get this out, my mind has been racing a million miles an hour and it's terrifying to sit with everything feeling so heavy while I lay here alone.

I'm safe and I'm laying in bed with Casper, just hoping to be able to sleep soon.

Tonight sounds like it's been really hard for you @MissGremlin, especially when it's been impacting your ability to fall asleep. I hear how heavy these thoughts and feelings have been for you, and it must be understandably scary to notice it getting worse for you. I want to acknowledge the amount of courage and proactiveness it takes to reach out to a crisis service and seek professional support when in this headspace. With your next doctor's appointment and counsellor session being in a couple weeks, I really do encourage you to reach out to a professional sooner such as another helpline for some mental health support. This could be with Lifeline or Suicide Call Back Service for example, and if you ever start to feel unsafe, to call 000. I'll also send you an email soon to check in.

calicocats 🐈

So it's 4.40am and I haven't slept at all. The tears didn't stop flowing for hours, everything got far too heavy to carry and there was no holding them back.

Not sure if this needs a trigger warning so if it does please put one in.

Yesterday when I went to the shops I was SA, it's left me so shaken to say the least. All I wanted was an easy day, I already had so much anxiety of having to go out after not being able to get out of bed for 2 days. When I woke up in the morning I was doing ok or at least trying to see any positives, the second I tried to leave the house it all went wrong. 7 times I had to jump-start my car just to get to all the places I needed to, throw in the incident that happened and it truly broke me.

I've tried to sleep, I've tried to just rest, I've tried to keep distracted. But still I'm lying here awake, feeling so defeated and as though I could just fall into a million pieces that couldn't be put back together again.

I'm safe and I'm snuggled up with Casper, I'm just feeling so low and alone.

I'm sorry I don't have encouraging words for you this morning @MissGremlin as I'm dealing with pretty emotional issues at the moment. I can relate to feeling so low and alone this morning. I've already had a cry and feel on the verge of tears. I can't discuss it on SANE but have written a few poems on my thread. I didn't tag anyone though. I'm glad you're safe. I hope our day improves @MissGremlin ! 💚

Hello sweet @heartathome, it's completely ok. I was reading your thread before but didn't have the words to reply, I'm sorry. But I'm thinking of you sweetheart and sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️.