Battles

@AuntGlow i think it stems from never being allowed to feel what came naturally when i was growing up. I was forced to feel things i wasn't feeling in order for others to get what they wanted.

This would have been indescribably painful to grapple with at such a young age @MissGremlin. I can imagine this part of you needs so much love, support, and encouragement when she is feeling vulnerable. I wonder if we could work on some ways to provide that space for her?

And to go through an experience like this with mum would have felt incredibly confusing and traumatising too. This sounds so complex and it would have been a lot for your nervous system to hold and process. I appreciate you sharing this with me, thank you for trusting me with your story.

I hope you know that you didn't deserve to be treated this way. 💛

@AuntGlow that's just one of many instances. Then even when it came to ex partners I went through the same kind of thing, having to act happy even if i was hurting cos I'd just been subjected to abuse but knowing that if I didn't put on a show I'd be further abused. I struggle with emotions now and often don't know what to feel and if what I'm feeling is appropriate for the situation.

It's honestly been a lifelong thing and it scares me that so much damage has been done that I'll never be able to allow myself to feel things like happiness or joy without then feeling like i need to punish myself for doing so.

Like even now I'm sitting here and re-playing everything from today out in my head, thinking did I act right, did I laugh the wrong way or say something that wasn't ok. Then I have that part that says 'you did it again, you allowed yourself to smile and be happy' 'you're not allowed to do that, you can't feel anything but pain and suffering'.

It's incredibly hard to sit with and it's sending me spiralling and I'm shaking (I'm safe). I'm trying to focus on my music.

Maybe gently remind yourself that neuroplasticity is a thing @MissGremlin and that even though these reactions were part of what your nervous system needed to do to survive, it doesn't mean that you are condemned to feel this way forever.

What music are you listening to?

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

@Jynx i do try, that's why today i really tried to feel that joy in the moments that there was laughter. But it's always after the fact that I struggle with the guilt and overthinking.

I've just switched over to watching true blood.

How's things going for you sweet?

@MissGremlin mm almost like your body is bracing itself for 'the other foot to drop'? Definitely a common theme for folks navigating complex/childhood trauma.

You ever looked into stuff like re-parenting or IFS? Being able to be our own soothing presence, being the person or parent that we needed when we were younger, and stuff like that, can be super helpful.

Love me some vampire comfort shows hehehe

I'm going okay, made like a hurricane in the kitchen making savoury muffins for the first time today. I love the mindfulness of cooking, but the mess? Not so much 😅

@Jynx yes exactly!

I have looked into the re-parenting thing and tried but it's things I struggle with for many other reasons too. It's something that without support to address the many other complex issues is not possible.

Who would have thought vampire shows could be so comforting 😂.

Ooohhhh yummy, how did they turn out. I love cooking/baking but the cleaning up sucks. Though Casper is good at helping clean up 😂.

Aye definitely harder to do solo @MissGremlin and especially when there's a lot of intersecting complexities.

I know right!! Fantasy has always been my go-to escape. Buffy, Charmed, and like, a sleuth of kid's cartoons haha.

Most of em turned out delicious! I left some in the oven a teensy bit too long so they're still good, just a bit dark 😅

Aww Casper the friendly vacuum!! Teehee

Hope you have a restful slumber hun, and dream of vampires (in a cool way and not a nightmare way of course, hehe) 💜

@Jynx still working so hard to try to get support to hopefully get through this.

Yes i think there's really something soothing about fantasy. I love kids movies, especially ones with adult humour.

Haha my oven likes to overcook things on the edges but even then they are still delicious 😋.

Caspers nickname should be hoover 😂. Though he never picks up food that's dropped accidentally.

Hope you have a good night sweet ❤️. Dreaming of vampires would be nice compared to my strange and scary nightmares 😂.

Stopping by to say hey @MissGremlin, I do hope you are getting a bit of sleep tonight and that Casper is snoring away beside you.😴

I do have to share a laugh with you, so I was reading a few posts behind for context and I saw your link to @Jynx of the duck song, I had one ear phone in and the moment that duck was squeezed miss Indi woke from dead sleep looking at me ears straight up 😂. She loves a squeaky toy clearly 😂 😂 did make me laugh, I just pat her back to sleep 😂. Thanks for the laugh and the tunes 🎵🫶