Battles

That’s funny. If they make me breathe slowly I choke on not having enough air! My heart rate is usually pretty high as well. @MissGremlin that’s why I only count to 4 as I can’t do any longer. 4 in, hold for 4, 4 out, hold for 4 and repeat. It’s the only one I can do.

It’s a massive decision but she is in the right place for it. She is in private so that makes things so much easier than public. They are willing to help. Plus her psych is amazing with her and her Pdoc so she will have on going support as well.

That sounds hard. I’ve never married and I’m not interested in it.

You only just come out of a manic. I hope it’s not as bad as last time. Recognising it is helpful but I don’t know how to lessen it. Just self care, routine, eating properly and sleep hygiene. But all that is hard. Especially when currently in freeze.

@Captain24 haha that's exactly the same for me 😂. Even when I'm rested my breathing is faster cos of my heart rate.

That's good that she'll have ongoing support and it sounds like it's the right decision for her.

I regret it but at least I'm no longer in that relationship though that person is the father of my son but he no longer sees him. I'm not sure if it's allowed to be said on here (please delete it if it's not allowed) but he's convicted child sex offender so not someone I should have ever got involved with but at the time I was leaving one evil for another. I was young and naive and he was coercive, what I'd do to go back in time and change things.

Yes i was in the manic that was horrible and felt like it went on forever. I prefer the shut-down in alot of ways. Il the fact that I've only had an hours sleep but yet I'm not tired is scary in itself, I have no motivation though so I'm still in between states.

That sounds like a really rough time @MissGremlin. But since he was an offender her knew how to groom you which would have led to the relationship. Plus if you were leaving evil then maybe he seemed like a good person. I’m glad your son has nothing to do with him. That’s a good thing. We all have regrets and wish things could be changed but it’s really hard that they can’t. So many things I would love to go back to and re-do. That would take a lot of healing to come through. I really appreciate that you shared that with me and I’m glad you could trust me with that.

Definitely shut-down is better. I will agree with that. It’s also hard and confusing to be mixed. I think it makes things harder. I’m lucky I’m hoping my mixed is gone. I really hope that if you do go there that it’s not for long. You did get a lot of sleep yesterday so just hope that it’s that. Sometimes I only get 2 or 3 hours sleep before I start my first day shift and manage to function really well. I’m hoping that that is what is happening for you.

@Captain24 it was really tough but at the time he seemed like a better person than the person I was with which is the father of my daughter. But if I'd never moved in with him then I wouldn't have lost my daughter, but then I wouldn't have my son either if the relationship had never happened. Hindsight is sometimes a frustrating thing cos if we had have known then what we know now then we would have made different decisions. When my son turns 18 in 8 days we know he's going to come to abuse as and try to get to him, cos he believes that we (my mother and i) have stopped him from seeing him but it's my son that made the choice to not have access with him after he abused him and the courts agreed that access was to be stopped. Unfortunately I still get abused by him and his parents when I go to the shops sometimes which is also why I have such anxiety over going there (I'm safe).

I do feel safe talking to you and the others that are in this thread. I just worry sometimes about being too much or people getting triggered by what I say.

Yes the mixed can be so confusing, being between states is exhausting and scary. I'm hoping that I can sleep tonight and don't go into a manic but I guess we'll see what happens.

Yes you would have your son now so something good did come out of it but it’s hard that you lost your daughter in the process. Hindsight is a hard thing. I’m sorry that he abused your son and that you have the fear of the next few days. I hate that him and his parents are still so abusive to you. That’s just wrong, I can see why you have so much anxiety about going out. Hopefully your son has the strength to stand up to him. Or hopefully he doesn’t even try. If the courts said no contact then that was even your decision it was the courts.

Don’t ever worry about triggering me or being too much. Be yourself and talk about what you want or need to. I am here. I know I get too much at times as well but you have been there for me and I’ll be there for you.

I hope you sleep and this is just a temporary phase. I don’t want to see you go through what you were going through not long ago. It is exhausting and it’s an exhaustion that can’t be described. It’s all consuming.

I’ve been sitting here doing my diamond art and I have a pretty big list to do tomorrow. In all honesty it will take me all morning. So I was thinking I may do some today, like the sheets and doona cover change and washing. That will help with tomorrow and make it less of a day. Sunday will be big with all the cooking and stuff but in the afternoon there is nothing. I’ll see how I go after my lunch of prawns that I’m looking forward to. That’s a big thing for me to come to though!

@Captain24 i lost my daughter when she was 6 months old and my son 4 hours after he was born 😞. The courts were the ones that put him in the situation in the first place by allowing the perpetrator to have unsupervised access with him. It's another system that's so messed up and often puts children in harms way rather than protecting them.

Thankyou sweet. Know that you have never been and will never be too much for me.

I'm really struggling today, the lack of sleep is affecting my thinking and reasoning. I just want to find that baseline where things are ok for a while but I don't know if it even exists for me (I'm safe).

How's things going for you at the moment sweet, did you get some things done? I'm so glad to hear you say that you are looking forward to the lunch of prawns. I know how hard it's been for you to find anything that's given you joy lately.

Oh that’s terrible @MissGremlin. I’m so sorry that that happened. You didn’t even get anytime with them. I can’t believe that they gave him access under his circumstances. The system is messed up. It’s really bad what happens to some people and innocent children.

I get the really tired. That baseline is so hard to find. I do have one but can’t seem to manage it very long. I wish we could both be there and stay there. I know that’s wishful thinking king as this is life long but even a year or two.

My bedlinen is changed and washing and drying. I’ve had a shower and washed my hair oh, and shaved my legs as my track pants were pulling in the long hairs! 😂. I’m about to dry my hair.

It was nice to have something nice. My prawns were good and I have some for lunch tomorrow too. I’m also looking forward to dinner. It’s the first Good Friday dinner I have had with mum and dad for a couple of years. It’s worked out that Easter has fallen on my work days.

@Captain24 it's something that I'll never get over. Anyway think it's time to close off that subject for the moment. But thankyou being here to listen to that part of my story and for being supportive.

Yes it would be so nice to just have a period where things are ok. I don't expect perfect but feeling like this every single day is frustrating and exhausting.

Wow, you've done incredible sweet, I'm so proud of you for getting all those things done. Haha oh I can relate to the hairs getting pulled, but then I also hate the itchiness of when the hair grows back 😂. I just had the thought of maybe I should have a shower, then my brain went nope that's not happening.

I love that whole last paragraph. It honestly makes me smile to hear that you have something to look forward to. Having prawns leftover is such a bonus and being able to have good Friday dinner with your mum and dad sounds really special.

I want to get to the stage where I’m content. I don’t need to be happy all the time as that’s not realistic. I want to be able to deal with the goods and bad days with ease not spiral into something else. That’s my wish anyway @MissGremlin

Showers are hard. I’ve done well for the last 4 days. But it hasn’t been easy. Today was easier as I like to have clean hair when I change my sheets. Just something I doing. It was annoying me! I’ll be right for another week now!

We don’t have anything fancy it’s just these salmon croquettes that she only makes Good Friday. I’m looking forward to the meal not the company! 😜. But I guess it has been a positive day with food. I’m glad I made you smile.

Thank you for having the courage to share @MissGremlin . We hear how hard it must've been for you, and continues to be.

We're here for each other