Battles

Hello @midmat25, I don't have any supports other than my gp and a counsellor that's not qualified to help me (though she's doing her best to find me the right help). Problem is what do you do when you've tried every possible service and not one of them can/will help. I'm left to try to fight alone, to manage everything alone, then just get told 'you're so strong'. No, no I'm not strong, I have no choice, I'm a mess, I've fallen apart (I'm safe).

Anyway I'm up for the day and I'm about to have a cuppa.

I’m sorry you are going manic again @MissGremlin. It’s just never ending and I get it. I have support and medication and can’t stop it. I really don’t know how you are doing it without either of those. I wish for you that it would all settle. Have you ever found the middle ground?

Bipolar is shit.

@Captain24 it really is just never ending. I'm not sure i ever have found middle ground, though I think that's hard with BPD aswell. For me I live with SI everyday, it's just the intensity that varies. I've never actually recognised the manic state or the shut-down within myself before but this time my doctor picked up on the manic when I talked to him several weeks ago, then there was the massive crash which in a way I preferred. But to be coming out of that and heading straight back into a manic is scary and I'm just not sure i have it in me to go through it again (I'm safe).

How are you doing this morning sweet?

I’m learning to recognise the signs. Sometimes I need a little help though. I didn’t recognise the bipolar crash until it was pointed out. I get the generalised depression as well so sometimes I miss those signs. But it’s taken a lot of self awareness to get to this. @MissGremlin

Im feeling a little different today. I’m not sure what it is though. I’m exhausted but not tired. I have managed a few things off my list already today. But also it could be the ADHD last minute thing. I have to do everything today as I can’t do anything at all for the next few days. I’ve even had to organise mum to do some shopping for me on Friday. So today is a have to be done day.

@Captain24 I'm very self aware of how I'm feeling so I've been able to pick up on when things are starting to shift. But yes at times it's hard to recognise things yourself.

I can understand that exhaustion, like it's more mental and emotional but not a physical exhaustion? You've done well to get things done off your list, i know it's going to be hard not being able to do anything for a while. Glad that you have been able to organise mum doing some shopping on Friday for you too.

Stopping will be hard but that’s all I've done pretty much for the last couple of weeks. @MissGremlin. It’s going to make for long days. Plus the pain on top of it. I think there will be a lot of sleeping. I have things to do if I’m up for it like my diamond art and stuff. But I don’t know.

What are your plans for today?

@Captain24 i hear you sweet, it's tough when you physically can't do anything. Allowing your body to rest and recover though is important so I'm hoping that you are able to do that. I'm glad you have things to do if you are up for it and I'm always happy to chat to you aswell ☺️.

My plans for the day are simply trying to get through the day (I'm safe). I have a migraine and feel pretty blah, there's things I need to do but I just can't at the moment. I'm laying on my lounge and Casper is in front of me.

If that’s all you can do then that’s ok. @MissGremlin. Things to do can wait. I’m sorry about the migraine. Do you have anything for it? I know medications are an issue for you though.

@Captain24 it's bin day so I need to take the bins out, clean the bird out and pick up Caspers business. But it's too much right now, I'm fighting back tears at the moment even just thinking about having to do it (I'm safe). I took pain relief earlier but it hasn't helped, unfortunately only sleep will make it go away.

Bin day is hard. I struggle with it. Even just putting the bins out. I throw the bags of rubbish in the garage and then I have to get them all to the bin. It’s not an easy task bin day @MissGremlin don’t beat yourself up about it. There is something about it that’s hard.

I hope you can get some sleep this afternoon to lessen it. Maybe that’s where your focus needs to be first.

Im tired now and struggling to keep going. I just want to go back to bed but I still have stuff to do. It feels like an impossible task.