Battles

Thanks @Jynx ❤️.

Just wanted to say thanks for everything, sorry I've been such hard work.

Not something you need to apologise for @MissGremlin it is always work worth doing, so doesn't feel hard at all. The reward is getting to see the ways this community comes together during the hard times!!

But thanks for saying anyway.

How's the internal feelings going, still a bit hectic?

@Jynx just hate feeling like a burden on everyone especially at the moment.

You know i had a great chat today to LL like i really made a connection with the guy I was talking to. He was with me when this car almost crashed into me which was pretty scary.

TW: Suicide

I keep getting told that I have an inner strength that I'm not aware of, that I'm resilient and a fighter and that I should be proud of that. Unfortunately my brain is only in that mindset of self hatred, so believing that I'm a mistake, a failure, a burden and just hating everything about myself.

@MissGremlin aww sounds like just what you needed when you needed it most!! I'm glad to hear you had that experience hun, even though the actual circumstances were of the not fun variety.

Mm hard when our brains are being so mean hey. How did the poster go, with all the nice things the community had to say about ya?

@Jynx it was an interesting phone call. Started out pretty dark, then was lighter for a bit, then got incredibly intense. But I'm really glad that he was on the phone with me in that moment cos otherwise I'm not sure how it would have ended. Cos I was driving at the time it was pretty scary and I don't remember all of what happened cos i was dissociating at the time, but the fact that this guy stuck with me really made all the difference.

I gotta add the words to the picture still, but i hate my writing so trying to work out how to do it. Will pop it up over the next couple of days hopefully.

Brain is just a mess and I'm concerned that I'm not able to shake these thoughts and that they are more intense now. But I'm trying to reach out when it's getting unbearable, mostly I'm just trying to keep myself distracted.

@MissGremlin Love when fate lines up just right like that!! Glad you're okay hun.

Oh oh you could make a stencil?! Like trace over some pretty lettering on the screen then cut those out and you could colour with texta or maybe paint if you have it?

You got this hun, I know you do 😊

@Jynx oohh a good idea, I shall see what i can do tomorrow if I feel up to it.

Trying to do some colouring but brain is working against me.

Thanks ❤️

@Jynx i just had a moment of anger and frustration and lashed out at myself. Now I'm trying really hard to calm myself down. Breathing is out of control and brain is swirling around like crazy.

@MissGremlin bring it back to breath if you can hun. What's done is done, let's just focus on what's next eh?

You at the point where reaching out to LL again might be the ticket? Sitting beside you 💜

@Jynx was actually chatting to a service at the time not a crisis one but let them know what had happened and that i needed help to calm down. We started talking about peer support work and some other things and it brought my mind out of that state. Funny that same person was the one that called an ambulance on me last time, like a week or so ago 😂.

All is ok for the moment, back into my state of the dark thoughts but at least calmer.

Lately when I'm finding myself angry and frustrated at myself I'm dissociating which isn't something I've experienced before. Like even now I'm going in and out of moments, like I'll be typing and then sort of go to another place for a bit but then come back to my phone and have to try and piece together what's happened.