Here we are still awake and unable to sleep. Thoughts are heavy so here's my way of trying to get things out of my head. Please know that I'm safe for now, tucked up in bed with Casper.
I stand in a darkness that nothing can breach,
no light slips inside, no truth I can reach.
Hope never visits, faith never stays,
just endless, exhausting and suffocating days.
The night feels eternal, it's breath on my skin,
every thought feels heavy, like it's pulling me in.
I reach for a star, but my fingers grasp air,
like the world kept moving and forgot I was there.
I can’t trust myself. I can’t trust the world.
Every thought is sharp, every fear is curled.
I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of pain,
nothing will change. Only fear will remain.
I don’t want to be brave, I don’t want to be whole.
I’m tired of acting like I’m still in control.
Each day weighs more than the one before,
like dragging myself across a cold, hard floor.
I’ve lost my faith in relief ever showing,
lost belief in the words people offer unknowing.
People say “hold on,” but they don’t understand,
not knowing how hard it is just to stand.
Ahead lies something I will not name,
It is here, it is steady, it is not a game.
It lives in my thoughts, it refuses release,
a weight in my chest that will never cease.
I’ve lost the belief things were ever repairable,
each thought stands as proof this was always inevitable.
The light feels unreal, like something I knew,
something that mattered but then slipped out of view.
The dark has a gravity, pulling me down,
like drowning on land where no one’s around.
It fills every corner, it seeps through my skin,
a war with no victor, no way I can win.
Fear grips my throat if I think too far ahead,
when silence is louder than words left unsaid.
I’m trapped between terror and wishing it done,
between staying alive and the urge to run.
But today here i stand, I've made my choice,
the screaming inside comes from my own voice.
There's no possible way that I can stay,
to face the light of yet another damn day.
