When did you start feeling in control with your life?

Hey @Blackcloud ,

Honestly speaking, I was in my my mid thirties when I seriously regained control of my life. I never thought it possible @YungWu , but it happened.

And yes, I haven't gone back since.

There's hope.

I'm in my 40s and it still hasn't happened yet. 😞

I think we have to be very careful with terminology here, because IME, people who are in control of their own lives invariably can only say this because they are in control of other peoples' lives as well.

So I think it leaves those of us with consciences in a huge predicament: if the cost of "having control of our own lives" is to become a tyrant, can we live with that?

Ideally, I think what most of us want is to have next to zero control over our own lives, but to be able to trust that the natural currants of our own lives will carry us precisely where we want to go, without us needing to exert any/much influence.

This is an ideal format for society, because even if a person becomes too debilitated to be able to control their life in any conventional sense, they can still trust in their environment/community to take them more or less in the right direction where they want to go.

Aye @chibam I think you've raised a good point. To me, control is an illusion. We cannot ever account for all potential unknown factors. Trying to control everything has been the number one short cut to my life spirallling OUT of control, almost every time. The ONLY thing I truly have control over is how I respond to the world, and even that is often dictated by my history and my habits. But yeah, surrendering to and trusting in the unknown has actually done me wonders... 😊

@Blackcloud

@Blackcloud I really liked the way you started to unpack the question, especially, discussing some limits to what it is possible to control.

I Get the feeling there is a lot to deal with, with your mother and setting up independent living and boundaries for yourself.

That in itself is 3 separate issues.

I don’t think about controlling my life, as I think that is unrealistic and not even totally desirable.

There are things we have some control over, paying our bills when we can, choosing to work or study when we can. Having friendships or relationships may become possible, if enter our orbit, and we click etc etc. There are a lot of variables.

Personally I am not fond of the concept of 100% being overused. I am nerdy enough to have done stats in another time and I care about the meaning of words and numbers. Back in the day in the science I did, we often talked about plus or minus 10 %. I try to leave wriggle room for human beings and the inevitable spanners that get thrown in whatever works are happening… in life.

It’s great to feel satisfied by a job well done but that and the consequences are usually far more complex than a simple number.

I have ticked a lot of boxes and crossed many items from lists I have made, but never really thought about being in control. Being organised and settling on some good habits and values can help a lot in life.

Eg I had a group of older people in my lounge, singing, this afternoon. I was loosely in control of myself, played piano and sang a bit, cracked jokes, asserted myself, made leadership calls, taught techniques in voice, and decided the order of things but I couldn’t control all that was said and done and didn’t want to. The positive energy in the room was not due to a tight sense of control, but that people felt free to join in and express themselves. I was stretched to the max but it was a good stretch.

For all those people there were things they had “under control “ Eg., getting there on time, and heaps that was not Eg., health. I just don’t find it the best way to think about life. Life would be boring if it was all about control. We need the novel and unexpected and most times things will happen whether we like it or not.

Sometimes life feels chaotic and I get that is hard and people often find different practices and beliefs to help anchor them during a storm.

---

@Jynx wrote:

But yeah, surrendering to and trusting in the unknown has actually done me wonders... 😊

---

IMHO, @Jynx , the goal isn't to trust in the unknown, it's to be able to trust in the trustworthy. And it's about us, as a society, recognizing that if a person isn't in an environment where they regard the people around them as being trustworthy, then that is a huge problem, and we need to be doing everything we can to relocate that person into an environment where they are surrounded by people they regard as being trustworthy.

What do I mean by 'trustworthy'? Common values. A mutual agreement on how to define right and wrong, desirable and undesirable. An ability to trust that, whenever I am deprived of the ability to make a decision about my own life, the person who that decision then reverts to will be inclined to make the exact same decision I would've made, because we are of common values.

I'm not sure if we're talking about the same thing or not, but when I hear people talking about "trusting in the unknown" and/or "accepting that we have no control", it sounds like they've just given up hope of ever ending up anywhere worthwhile; given up on the prospect or even the idea of a state of life that is actually worthwhile.

That's not what I'm talking about at all. I'm talking about building multiple environments where life is, by design, worthwhile (multiple environments because there are multiple codes of values that people might adhere to), and then sending people to go live within whichever environment is naturally theirs.

@chibam just letting you know I've seen your post, but I'm about to log off and I wanna give it proper time and attention - I'll be back around next week 😋

Hi @Blackcloud

Thank you for sharing such an important and relatable challenge, the feeling of wanting to be in control of your own life. This is something so many people struggle with, and I really appreciate you raising it here.

From what you've shared, it sounds like a big part of this struggle is connected to your relationship with your mother, especially around your independence and autonomy.

Our relationships with our mothers can be deeply complex and ever-evolving. In the beginning, a mother holds so much responsibility and control, quite literally over our survival. As we grow, the natural and healthy progression is toward greater independence. Ideally, our mothers support and encourage that growing autonomy as we mature. Unfortunately, as many of us know, that isn’t always how things unfold. I know this personally from my own difficult relationship with my mother.

Now, as a mother myself, I can see more clearly how hard it can be to loosen that grip and allow our children to step fully into their own lives. It requires mothers to shift into a new role, one of support rather than control, of curiosity rather than judgment. But if a mother hasn’t found a strong sense of self, or if the relationship is enmeshed, making that shift can be very difficult.

For me, it’s been a long journey. My mother was very controlling for much of my life, and I often felt like I had to justify my choices and who I was. It’s taken until I’m 56 years old to fully reclaim my own life and stop feeling accountable to her. And yes, there was resistance, that’s a natural part of change, but with consistent boundaries and clear, compassionate communication, our relationship has started to shift into something healthier.

On a personal level, I can now say I feel more in control of my life than ever before. After seven years of separation, I finalised a property settlement and divorce from a domestically violent marriage. Gaining safety, financial independence, and the ability to make my own decisions has been truly empowering, and it’s allowed me to step into my own life more fully.

I share all of this to say: I see you, and I believe in your capacity to create healthy boundaries in your relationship with your mother. You deserve a relationship that allows you to thrive, one that respects your autonomy while still holding space for connection. I hope you find strength in knowing you are not alone on this path.

Kindly,
Alisse