How to get a loved one to seek help for paranoid delusions?

Hey hun, it sounds EXHAUSTING! Please don't blame yourself for being at your wits' end. It sounds like you've endured a lot.

CAT probably couldn't do much unless he wasn't safe, but if you called psychiatric triage which is linked to your local hospital, they may have been able to give you some suggestions.

When he is well, I wonder if you can develop a 'system' with him so that when you present him with a note (just say), then it means he needs to stop talking about it? Have a think about a system that may work for you. It can be a card system "I want a break" or that you stay with one of the kids for the night.

Just something to think about. Also, it may be worth speaking to your GP about it because clearly this is affecting you and your own mental health.

Please hang in there.

We recognise this is not easy - at all. @Lattepowered

Sorry it is difficult at the moment @Lattepowered

be kind to yourself as you juggle baby, unwell partner and your own needs.

I know well the feeling of saving my breath in order to get the essentials done

glad there is some support on here for you but

real life needs are complex

just sending regards so you feel less alone

gently bently

apple

Thank you @tyme I think I'm quite snappy when the delusional talk starts because I just want it to stop, but also I've had 18 months of being the person he vents to, and on some occasions I've literally been stuck in a car or in bed feeding the baby, unable to physically get away, so it's triggering for me now.

I think you're right, I'm at the stage where I need to chat to mental health triage/CAT to understand what they could do, if anything. I'm a bit terrified that I'll lose control of the process and they'll just show up at my door and take him away, so I'll call them confidentially.

Yes, I need to see a GP too. Could definitely benefit from talk therapy.

That's an excellent suggestion about setting up a 'time out' system when he's not delusional. I'll broach the topic with him when the timing is right.

My husband's latest thing is that he wants me to go see a defamation lawyer with him. Apparently they can run checks to see if there is, in fact, a legal or police case against someone. He says this is the evidence he needs. What are your thoughts? Last night I flat out refused, because we don't have the money to waste on fictitious legal stuff! He spent thousands last year on security cameras, professional bug sweeps of our home etc. But now I'm thinking it could serve as a 'reality testing' experiment for him, proving there is no case against him. I'm also conscious that it could just feed the delusions further, or be a total waste of money. What do you reckon I should do?

Seriously, if you have money coming out of your ears, go and see the lawyer... but I'm guessing that with children, that's not the case - and maybe..just maybe, it'll be an expensive exercise? @Lattepowered

I hope you will be able to talk to a professional about what's been going on for you. You need the support just as much as he does...

I 'feel' your exhaustion....

Hugs.

Hi @Appleblossom thank you for your messages and support. Sorry it's taken me this long to reply properly, I've been juggling the kids so it's hard to catch a moment sometimes.

I am on the same page as you about viewing mental illness through a trauma lens rather than pathologising people. And trying to understand the context, the whole person etc. I haven't involved CAT to this point (and am still scared to) because I am desperately hoping my husband will choose to get help. That way he could heal on his terms, even via a more holistic path etc - however he keeps showing zero intention of seeking help, so I'm feeling despair. Whenever I suggest we seek help he just ramps up the whole 'this is real! You'll see!' rant.

It feels like the illness is a constant undercurrent. For instance even on a nice family day out with the kids he'll notice the helicopter or marine patrol boat 'following' him. At home, we have security cameras but he still sets up little traps to spring potential intruders. While these things might seem small, I find them very stressful.

Can I ask, when you lived with a spouse with delusions, did it affect your daily life and sense of normalcy, like I'm experiencing? How did you cope? I feel like I'm constantly worrying, even in the middle of the night. Did you ever reach a point where the kids realised something was wrong with their dad? That's my greatest stress, trying to keep the kids from hearing their dad talk about weird things like stalkers, people taking photos of him etc. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle against this illness if he won't do anything about it, and it's going to slowly drag the whole family under.

Hi @MeerkatMonsta thanks for your message and helpful advice. Sorry for my slow reply, for some reason I only just saw your post, probably because the kids are always distracting me lol

I'm sorry to hear you've struggled with delusions. It is so, so tough. I would not wish delusions on anyone. They are genuine psychological torture, for the sufferer and their loved ones.

You are 100% right he is in psychosis. He has been for nearly 2 years. Persistent paranoid delusions and also auditory hallucinations in that he is constantly hearing people/strangers say negative/conspiratorial stuff about him that they haven't said.

I agree with you, a private psychiatrist would be much more preferable than a psych ward. He was sectioned to a public psych ward once a year ago, but it achieved nothing as he never got talk therapy or stuck to any meds.

I've got him a referral in the past to a good private psychiatrist, but the problem is that he is pretty manic about his delusions. He won't even consider they might not be real. He currently believes there is a 'hit out' on his life and he's going to be killed when he goes away for a work trip in a few weeks. Of course, he won't be, he'll return home just fine. But I am betting the 'proof negative' won't sink in, instead he'll just move on to the next delusion.

Do you have any thoughts on how I can convince him to seek help? I'm tried begging, pleading, crying, even walking out with the kids which was incredibly painful. He will always diffuse the crisis by agreeing to see a doctor, but he cancels every time. I've told him it's really stressing me out (I can't sleep, getting health issues etc) but it's like a thought addiction that he can't stop.

Can I ask how you got to the point where you were open to seeking help? And what approaches or therapies helped you? I really appreciate your thoughts as someone with lived experience. I hope you are doing well and are out of the thick of this dreadful condition.

Dear @Lattepowered

no need to apologise about how long it takes to respond

I know what its like to be juggling all the responsibilities in your position

It is great you realise a more situational and progressive understanding about mental illness is appropriate … rather than the simplistic biomedical model

it will probably help in the long run… no matter what happens short and medium term…

I wouldn’t try and reason with someone with paranoia about helicopters being for their personal surveillance …but my best … is vaguely acknowledge the increase in surveillance technology while it not being personal… kind of acknowledging his concern but not escalating the fear… ?

I am semi retired and do have time

the answers to your questions are complicated

yes I have experienced the … you’ll see… it’s real… and the concern with helicopters etc…

I unpack it in the sense… that paranoia is an experience of fear… fear is a heightened state … has he been involves in situations where he knew criminals?

the concept of “ideas of reference “ is not well handled in the mainstream mental health system… I prefer both philosophy and science in understanding these things

the problem is it takes time and many conditions to be met to establish a real sense of safety

it Takes time for people to process or understand their heightened states…sometimes years or decades or never… my ex husband has not

I have now encountered more so called normal people of varying functionality who talk about conspiracy theories…it’s not my style… I worked in government and seen behind some of the scenes….political realities are also complicated … yet these are difficult complicated times we live in…

Love your children as best you can. Find ways to support your husband within your reasonable capacity

encourage healing activities

… that suit your family

I also come from the position of both my parents being diagnosed with schizophrenia and reflecting on their individual lives and the DSM

I remember my mother pointing out so called odd behaviour in my father… however he did die young and his hardships were never acknowledged… I was 10, too young to argue or think anything but do not respect that about my mother now…she couldn’t love me ever but always blamed others for our family circumstances…love is not easy

I try not to be delusional and over idealise or demonise anyone… but it is tricky and human beings have a tendencies…

Warm regards apple

@Lattepowered

I never had a normal…. So couldn’t directly answer that question

each person and family are unique

you can’t totally control the family environment or… what they will see or hear and how they may understand it in different stages of their lives

sometimes it is best if the truth will out

i twisted myself into a pretzel for both my mum and my husband

boundaries are really hard and only part of the solution

hooe it has helped to talk with different people

Hi @Appleblossom hope you are well.

I can totally relate to what you said about twisting yourself into a pretzel for your unwell loved one. That is me now. Over the past two years, I've put myself in really embarrassing and uncomfortable circumstances, to try and placate my husband's delusions. For example we went to the local police station several times to ask if he was under surveillance (he of course wasn't). Now the latest thing is I'm being pressured to come and see a defamation lawyer with him.

I find the slightest mention of his delusions sends me into a stress/panic spiral now. Did you get this too, when you lived with your paranoid spouse? How did you protect your own energy and peace of mind? I find boundaries are pretty much impossible. They might respect them for a few days or even weeks, but the delusions always come through.

Can I ask, did you ever get to the stage where you tried to force help on your husband, ie calling CATT or an ambulance? The problem is my spouse is overall high functioning and can easily mask, so calling an ambulance feels a bit extreme. I'd much prefer him to choose to seek help, but that's just not going to happen I'm realising.

I hope you have moved on from 'pretzel' life, and now get to enjoy a peaceful life on your own terms x

@Lattepowered

I had 3 under 7 years of age too.

Don't be too hard on yourself about being indecisive. It's about you and your kids futures. It needs considered thought.

I left when the oldest was 16 and the youngest 9. I have now been single for 23 years and it took a while for me to recover, never completely, but to the point my son said I was looking younger.

I have done things like you said to placate your husband's delusion but never called the CAT team on him. We had Protective Services involvement from the beginning as he used me to get custody... Long story.

Boundaries are tricky within family and spousal relationships and even more so with blended families.

I even bought a book and studied boundaries recently but I also found the author, a supposed expert, a bit immature and petty. However I am slowly learning to put challenges up in relationships and not be too much a people pleaser. I have more established boundaries now as an older person with my own front door. I did try and put physical boundaries in for my children and got them all their own bedroom.

Our situation was very complex so don't compare yours to mine. You said you had many good years together. You are obviously stressed and need support as a mother of not to be caring for a psychotic individual, so I guess keeping a firm request that he does follow through with getting help or you both do counselling together. My ex had many prior hospitalisations and a psychiatrist when I met him. He also had a degree in psychology but as a psychologist later explained to me. It's one thing to use a psychology degree for the benefit of clients in professional work and another to use the insights to take advantage, which is what my ex did.

I wouldn't want to encourage anyone to leave a marriage. I took and take commitments seriously. I hope you find a decent path and maybe a range of opinions and possibilities. The little one is young.

Hope you are getting decent sleep.

I hope my story is helpful but we are all different.

Take care

Apple