How to get a loved one to seek help for paranoid delusions?

Hi there @Lattepowered , how are you and your loved one going?

Thinking of you.

Hi @tyme thank you for checking in on me, that's very kind of you to think of me. I hope you're having a nice weekend.

I'm doing OK thanks, having a nice weekend overall because my husband isn't talking too much about his delusions, so I can almost pretend to myself that things are 'normal'. I think that's what is probably doing my head in most about this whole situation: when he's his 'normal' self everything is great and I can't imagine our marriage breaking down. But when he's in delusional mode (and it's so random and unpredictable when his brain shifts gears into that mode of high anxiety) I just get really impatient with it, overwhelmed etc and I wish I could hit the 'eject' button to not have to deal with it.

I guess currently I'm in limbo, really. Things are OK, but there's definitely an illness that's not going away.

Thank you for your thoughts on the CAT team too. I'm not sure if I will be able to get up the courage to involve them just yet, but I will think about it. I can imagine having community orders would be pretty confronting (but possibly quite necessary for some people).

That's quite interesting @Lattepowered in that is sometimes goes into this 'delusion mode' and then he's totally okay the next.

I wonder if you can speak to someone about this? I wonder if it is stress related or something else? Alcohol? Drugs? Is he taking his meds as directed?

I'm not a clinician so I really don't know, but from you posted, he gets these obsessive thoughts and won't stop talking about these delusions, and then other times, he's okay?

I hear the dilemma you are in. As you said, when he is well, there's not even the slightest thought of leaving him. The last thing we'd want is for you to make a choice you may regret later (for yourself or your kids).

I really hope you will be able to reach out to someone who can give you some answers.

That's right @tyme he can be totally fine - then boom, he wants to start talking obsessively and in a panic about 'the plot against him' etc. And if I let him, he'd talk for hours. Instead, I try to shut him down because it stresses me out, particularly if the kids are in earshot.

I've come to realise the illness makes no sense at all. We can be having a fun, relaxing day, then he'll ask me if I noticed the helicopter following him, or the stranger taking photos of him. It could just be a passing comment (rather than a full delusional rant) but it's enough to really bring me down, because it's like an insidious cancer creeping into what should be happy, carefree outings with the kids. Like, is nothing sacred?!!

He doesn't drink or do drugs, he's super clean living. Sadly, he isn't taking any medication to manage it (aside from a few days of anti psychotics when he was sectioned, which he promptly stopped when discharged).

You're so right, I don't want to make a decision I regret. But that's what's making it so hard to take action, because I'm almost dealing with 2 different versions of him. Like, I couldn't imagine calling CAT on the 'normal' him, or leaving him etc. But I can't stand the delusional version. Argh.

So really, it sounds like maybe meds is what he needs. This may have to form part of the ultimatium. If I were in your shoes, I reckon I'd let him know I was so exhausted by his delusional talking and that I couldn't continue unless he takes action to do something about it.

In a way, if people take meds, they can learn strategies such as giving the voices 'air time', but they can't do that if they are actively having those voices and not aware they are voices.

I can see how tired and worn down you are from this.

Please don't think I'm telling you what to do. You do what feels right. We will support you all the way. @Lattepowered

Thank you @tyme I really appreciate you workshopping this with me. I feel like I'm flying blind otherwise, stuck in a maze etc etc. Worn down is totally how I feel.

I think if things do deteriorate again to the point they were at last year, where he wanted to talk about the delusions every day, was about to quit his job due to colleagues 'stalking' him etc, I'd give a stronger ultimatum that he gets help.

I left twice last year - but only for a few days, because he promised he'd see a doctor, counsellor etc (he never did). I guess the lesson for me is that if I do hit my limit and leave again, I need to take a tougher line on him getting help.

In the meantime, I guess I just keep trying to communicate to him that I find the delusions exhausting.

I guess this is where boundaries come in. Boundaries you set to protect you and your family.

The sad thing is, he is not well. When we consider it, if someone had a physical illness, we may not be so quick to let them go.

But yes, I think an ultimatum may be you cannot continue with him until he gets help.

And with CAT, unless he is unsafe, there's little they can do about it.

Take care, and we'll keep in touch. @Lattepowered

Hi @Panda11 thank you so much for your message and kind words, it means a lot to me to feel less alone. Sorry it took me a few days to reply, I've always got the kiddos bouncing around!

I'm so sorry your son is unwell, that must be incredibly stressful for you. You mentioned it has triggered a breakdown in the past, I can completely understand how you'd reach that point. I think it's very hard for people who don't have personal experience of a loved one with delusions to understand just how exhausting it is. Some days I feel like my husband's illness has actually consumed my entire identity, because all I do outside of parenting is worry about him. You are right, if something doesn't change the kids will eventually be affected, that is my worst fear. Right now I think they've been in a bubble because I refuse to discuss the delusions around them (we never argue in front of them), but this will probably get harder to do as they get older and more aware.

How long has your son had delusions for? Has he ever accepted or sought out professional support? Would you ever consider 'imposing' help ie via calling the CAT team, or does that feels like too big or scary a step? It's so hard, working out what to do, or if you can even do anything. That's good that at least you are on good terms with your son, so you may be able to eventually nudge him towards getting help. I wonder if his girlfriend believes the delusions, or if she's just keeping the peace by agreeing with him? I feel like it may be helpful to connect with her more, if you can (of course without making him paranoid you are going behind his back).

You are quite right I need to speak openly with my husband about how badly the delusions are affecting me. I did express this to him yesterday actually, and will continue to. I've just been in a pattern of saying nothing when the delusions flare up, because to challenge them makes him argumentative/exasperated that 'I dont believe him', and that is in itself exhausting.

How is everything going for you @Lattepowered ?

Hi @tyme, thanks so much for thinking of me, it means a lot.

I'm feeling a bit down today, to be honest. My husband had been doing fairly well since the start of the year (asides from the 1am panic attack about the imaginary hit men) in the sense that he hasn't been constantly trying to convince me that his fears are real, like he was doing all the time last year.

Last night he had a relapse back to his old ways. He was going on and on about how he's under surveillance, his colleagues are monitoring him, my mum's involved etc I tried to shut him down and say I didn't want to hear about it but it just blew up into an exhausting circular argument where he was annoyed at me for not believing him. I was probably a bit snappy because I just wanted to get the baby to sleep at that point (it was 10pm), and I fell back into my old patterns of threatening to leave with the kids if he didn't stop with the delusional talk. I just find my bandwidth for hearing all the nonsense is very low. He even accused me of not caring and being 'in on' the plot to have him imprisoned too.

I feel annoyed at myself for not having the strength to take any decisive action, whether it's to leave for my own well-being, or call the CAT team, but as you know both of those options feel daunting and like a betrayal. Ugh