New and Lost

Hi @MyLifesJourney

Thank you for sharing with such honesty, it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable.

This is a safe space where you can connect with others who may relate to aspects of your struggle. You are not alone, there will always be someone here to listen, validate your experience, and offer encouragement.

In the darkest times, when we feel lost and alone, reaching out is so important. I want to acknowledge your bravery and strength in doing so.

You mentioned that you're using and feel like a failure or a fraud. Please know that addiction does not define you, it is a disease, and substance use can cloud our thoughts, making it easy to be hard on ourselves.

Do you have an AOD counsellor or support group you can lean on?

I understand your concerns about your career, so I'd like to suggest reaching out to:

National Alcohol and Other Drug hotline: 1800250015 (24/7 Mon-Fri)

They can provide guidance specific to your state or territory. This is a free and confidential service.

I also found Turning Point to be a great resource for online alcohol and drug counselling. It's free, confidential, and avaliable 24/7

https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/

https://www.turningpoint.org.au/treatment/clients/phone-online-services

Recovery can be a long and challenging journey, but support is available, and reaching out is a powerful first step.

You said you don't know what to do - keep reaching out, seek support, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. We are here for you.

Sending you strength

Kindly Alisse

Hi there @MyLifesJourney , How are you?

I'm sorry you are feeling slightly lost. I hope you find the support and connection here on the forums helpful as you navigate some of life's challenges.

What are things you enjoy doing that can help keep you going?

Thank you @Alisse, I don’t have an AOD support.

Mostly, I just want to die. I’m sorry for saying it but I do. I don’t want to keep living this life. I am in constant physical and emotional pain and I can’t bear the horrors of this world any more. I’m scared of my thoughts. I’m scared to do anything to stop myself from thinking like this and to help me stop using because of what I’ll lose. Everything. I’d be involuntarily committed. I would lose any life insurance or income protection insurance because if you’ve even talked to a fckin psychologist once, regardless if it was the one and only time, you’re penalised by either an increase in your premiums or they won’t take on your policy at all. There’s no way out of that black hole. I would lose my career, livelihood, home… E.Ver.y.thing. And then what? What keeps me taking one more breath? Nothing. I fkng hate myself. I hate this world.

I don’t know how I am. I’ve really been trying to do things I enjoy and I have been doing them. During those moments, I felt good and at peace. I even smiled but that feeling goes pretty quickly and I’m back to wishing death. I had a health scare during the week. I hope it isn’t just a scare and I can leave this place. 😞

Hey @MyLifesJourney, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with the community!

It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment and you are demonstrating your resilience by reaching out to your peers here on the Forums. It is hard to be vulnerable and talk about what we go through when we don't know people.

I can relate to how you are feelig finacially about your mental health as I have been through a similar situation. I received two years of income protection insurance and then a total and permanent disability payment when I stopped work and went on the DSP. I was not expected to recover and return to work so it made sense to apply for the payments.

I did recover enough to work, which is a long story and I have been studying for 8 years to create a new pathway into employment. And I found working as a peer support worker as a meaningful and purposeful way to use my lived experience. So just saying don't discount yourself just yet and there is hope for everyone when faced with a sitation like yours or mine.

It would be great to hear more from you about your situation if you would like to share with the community!

Take care

RiverSeal

Hey @MyLifesJourney, it can be really beneficial to reach out for a little extra support when we feel overwhelmed with thoughts like these. I encourage you to contact crisis supports to talk about what you are going through. I will list some numbers here for you:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Lifeline Chat

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 or Beyond Blue Webchat

1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732, www.1800respect.org.au

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or Online Counselling

Kids Helpline (up to ages 25): 1800 55 1800, http://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/phone-counselling

If in immediate danger: 000 www.triplezero.gov.au/triple-zero/How-to-Call-000

Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings with the communtiy!

RiverSeal

I don't feel resiliant @RiverSeal. I feel like I've broken into pieces.

Your story feels familiar to me. It's almost as though you were writing mine. I've also been working for the last 8 years to pave a new future but I don't know if I have it in me to get over the finish line even though I'm only months away from it. I feel like I'm failing in every aspect. I think I'm even setting myself for a fall just so I can be justified in ending my own life.

The circumstances that led me to here have been a culmination of a lifetime of saddness and emotional pain which I struggle to deal with, with the most recent I guess being my marriage. It wasn't the end of the marriage that unravelled me though. I was happy to see the end of it, but what hurt me was the way in which the ex betrayed my trust and weaponised my most intimate secrets, which I shared with them as someone I trusted, and broadcast that information to anyone who would listen, just so that they could assassinate me and take from me the only thing that was important to me - my relationships with people. That was the start of this spiral. People who I loved turned their backs on me and I couldn't even defend myself. I couldn't do that to someone but I can't help but think - maybe I deserved it? Maybe I am a c**t? I don't know. I'm not half the parent I used to be. I wrecked my children's lives by pulling the rug out from under their feet along with everything that they thought was true about their family life, and now I can't even show up for them to fix what I did to them. I just want to be alone.

I have morphed into someone I don't recognise anymore. I use because I don't want to feel what I'm feeling. I can't bear to be in my own skin.

Hey @MyLifesJourney, yes, our lives have some similarities, and I can relate to how you are feeling.

I also had a breakup, which was an indicator that my mental health was declining, and I did not cope well. How I think about it now is very different to what I went through at the time. And I have changed a lot, particularly with how I interact with people and who I spend my time with. I learned a lot, but it would have been better if it never happened at all.

I'm curious what do you think you have learned from your situation, and how can you apply that in your life now?

Take care

RiverSeal

Hi @MyLifesJourney

I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain right now. It sounds like things feel really overwhelming, and I want you to know that you’re not alone in this. Even when it’s hard to believe, there is hope, things can change, and you deserve support through this.

Many of us here have faced deep struggles, including times when it felt impossible to imagine a way forward. But healing happens, step by step, and you don’t have to figure it all out alone.

I hear your concerns about reaching out for professional help, especially with the fear of consequences from insurance and other systems. It’s so unfair that the people who need support the most are often put in impossible situations. You shouldn’t have to choose between survival and security, and I truly hope that changes.

There are support services you can access anonymously:

Lifeline 13 11 14

National AOD Hotline 1800250015

Counselling Online, AOD Turning Point, in each state and territory.

@RiverSeal shared a list of services that specialise in supporting people in crisis, and I encourage you to reach out when you feel ready. You don’t have to carry all of this alone.

I also hear how much the end of your marriage has affected you. Losing someone you once loved, especially when the relationship ends in painful ways, is a deep kind of grief. It’s not just the loss of the person but the dreams, hopes, and moments that were once shared. That kind of pain is real, and it makes sense that you're feeling this way.

I’ve been through a difficult divorce myself. My marriage involved domestic violence, substance use, and coercive control. Even though I left for my safety and my children’s, I still felt sadness, not for the harm, but for the love that once existed and for the person they could have been. Letting go, even when we know it’s necessary, is never easy.

Losing my old support system was hard, but in time, I built new connections with people who truly lifted me up. I’ve been sober for six years now, and while the journey wasn’t easy, I can say with honesty that I’ve never been happier or more at peace. Healing isn’t instant, but every small step forward matters.

Your story isn’t over. This is a painful chapter, but it’s not the end, it’s the beginning of something new. Even if you can’t see it yet, there is a future where you feel stronger, where you have people around you who support and believe in you. I know it’s not easy, but I also know that you are capable of getting through this.

Recovery is a powerful act of reclaiming yourself, and I believe in you. No matter what today feels like, please hold onto the possibility that things can get better. You are not alone, and you are worth fighting for.

You can do this,
Kindly Alisse

I wanted to thank you for caring @Alisse and @RiverSeal and for taking the time to share your own experiences and knowledge with me.

I wish I could say things have improved but they haven’t. I’m navigating physical pain which has worsened over the past 6 months. I’m so tired. I’m so exhausted. I feel so alone.

On a positive note - I watched a doco about ravens which warmed my heart. And I’m blogging (kind of).