I'm lost and it kills me inside

@Gremlin24 I feel you, mate. I said last year to my psychologist that I don't think I have the energy and will to go through years of intensive therapy treatments without having a guarantee that I will heal and will know and like the person who comes out on the other end. I told her that maybe I have to accept that this is who I am, accept the fact, and live my life the best way I can.

I started seeking help at about the age of 20, and I am now 45. I knew something was wrong with my mind, body and soul, and I needed to understand why. But because of the dissociation, I presented as a high-functioning adult, and even after telling them the horrors of my past, they just said, you don't need help. They would go on to say that people who have lived a life as you have usually abused alcohol and drugs, have obvious behavioural issues and struggle to maintain a stable living environment, or they are in prison, or they are no longer with us.

In 2018, several life events brought me to my knees and broke me. These triggered everything that my mind and body had been storing, and I finally found a psychologist who knew precisely what was going on for me and started working on getting me the help I needed. Unfortunately, she said she wasn't qualified enough to provide the required treatment, and she didn't let me leave her office until she found someone who could and referred me to them.

After this happened, and now that I had some answers, I started researching and finding everything I could to educate myself to understand why I am the way I am and try to improve my life and specific behaviours. I will never stop educating myself.

During that time, I made the tough decision to separate from my wife and vowed to be single until I knew I could be someone who could love and provide the basic wants and needs that a person deserves from their significant other.

@tyme I wouldn't want to be a part of a world where music didn't exist and not one where Celine Dion didn't exist!

@Paralyzed i guess healing is a long process but even then I think there's still going to be things that pop up in the future that can make things come back to haunt us. I've never been able to get intense therapy that I probably need, I did see a psychologist but was told that I was a lost cause and I've never been able to speak to another one since.

It's horrible some of the things we can be told when seeking help, even when i reach out to crisis services now i often get met with "how are you still here". I get told that I have an inner strength, I don't see that I see it as just luck and that I'm only here cos I failed at my attempts.

I'm glad you were able to find a psychologist that helped to a degree and then made sure you weren't left without support when she couldn't provide you the level of support you needed.

I find that educating ourselves is so helpful, being able to understand why we are the way we are and why we do the things we do etc. It helps to allow us to try and manage our mental health issues and recognise what we need when things are going bad.

I have vowed to remain single for different reasons, I've been in so many abusive relationships that I'm just done with them. Also that hatred for myself is part of it cos I figure that if i can't love myself how can I expect someone else to love me.

@Paralyzed just listened to a read lyrics of Paralyzed. So distressing for you. One line stood out..."Im in a box, but I'm the one who locked me in" ??

That's such a great one-liner @Dizzy4 !!

@Dizzy4

yeah, that line gets me!

I can sing that song, word for word and keep up with my boy NF, haha

I have so many memories of me alone with that song; the intensity is like nothing else. When the song builds and then drops, at times, I tense every single muscle in my body and scream those lyrics as loud as I can.

When the song gets to the verse, 'I'm paralyzed, I'm scared to live, but I'm scared to die......I get into the zone, and it's just me, NF, the song, and a therapy session.

P.S. I just finished watching a movie on Netflix with Amy Schumer called Kinda Pregnant. I LMFAO from the first few minutes until the credits started rolling. The universe has worked its magic today. I got the laugh I needed, the cry and met some amazing human beings.

Thank you 🤗

@Paralyzed Hooray for the universe. Im so happy youre happy. Ive had a laugh and a cry today too... something positive to get us to sleep tonight👏👏

@Former-Member
When we chat, I feel like I'm talking to myself. I relate to you so much.
I have heard some horror stories about psychologists and how they treat and speak to their patients. I encourage people to report psychs, especially when they do something like what you experienced.

I met with a new psychologist in 2018 when shit hit the fan, and after the initial appointment, I walked out of the office and felt worse than I did before I got there. I shook it off on the drive home and decided to give them a second chance, but it ended the same way as the first session. I left, drove home and drafted an email to her. I was very direct and honest with her about what happened during the sessions and informed her that we were not a good fit and that I would not be returning.
There are too many textbook psychologists in the field, and that's the extent of their knowledge and experience. I feel strongly about this: How will they help someone like me?

I would love to spend some time with Gabor Matè. That man is brilliant.

Why are you still here? Why am I still here? It's a question I ask all the time. The universe keeps us here for a reason, and I believe we have a purpose to fulfill. We might not realise it, but we do impact this world. I want to tell you right now that you have helped me immensely over the past 24 hours, or however long it's been, and you've made a tough day just that little bit easier to get through.

It was like sitting on the edge of a ledge at the highest point of a skyscraper. You have come along and supported me in my time of need. You are one reason I stood up, climbed to safety, and made it through the day. Now, tomorrow is a new day.

I am also grateful to everyone who helped me off that ledge today. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to help a stranger constantly suffering in silence. The world is a better place because you exist.

@Dizzy4 @tyme @boomerangbabe92 (apologies if I haven't linked everyone to the post, but you know who you are)

I am signing off for the day. I must be up early tomorrow to make my 9:30 a.m. psych appointment. When I get the chance, I will log in and let you know how it went.

Be kind to yourself. Take care and stay safe.

@Paralyzed you nailed it with the psychologist situation, too many of them just follow the books and if you don't fit that then they aren't willing to help. You did so well standing up for yourself with that psychologist and I'm proud of you for that. I never reported him as i was just too hurt that he chose to side with the person that was abusing me at the time.

I'm so glad I was able to help you today, and that's what these forums are all about. Thankyou for your kind words, it really means alot. I'm struggling myself but one way I help myself is by helping others. I know all too well what it's like to not have anyone to talk to and feel so alone so I make sure that anyone I cross paths with doesn't have to feel that way.

I wish you well with your appointment tomorrow and I look forward to chatting with you again.

Take it easy and I hope you have a good night 😊.